Wondering how to attract the love of your life? More than dating strategies, dating apps, new outfits, beauty treatments, therapy or more, there is one thing you need. This one thing is more important than your physical appearance, age, past relationship experiences, current circumstances, online profile, how you dress, your career or financial success, what you say or anything else! PERIOD!
Most women and men assume there is something they should do, or actions they must take, to find the love of their life. They’re partially right. There are many things you can do to help increase the chances of finding the love of your life.
There’s plenty of information out there on what to do to meet someone, how to date, what to say, how to figure out if someone is right for you and more. But when it comes to attracting your amazing partner, there is something more critically important that will determine how long it will take to find that person and the type of person you actually find.
What most people don’t know is that all the dating strategies in the world, a perfect online dating profile and pictures, great clothes and make-up, reading books and taking courses; none of these will help very much if they don’t first focus on this …
And it will surprise you to hear this.
The essential ingredient is how you feel.
It’s how you’re feeling each day, moment by moment, your general or predominant mood.
What are the emotions you’re feeling throughout your day?
Are you generally in a happy place?
Are you waking up dreading the day or stressed out?
Or do you wake up looking forward to your day with curiosity and hope?
How much joy, delight, peace, love and gratitude are you feeling each day?
Do you feel angry, sad, frustrated, resentful, disappointed, hopeless or depressed?
Please understand. I’m not saying that you should be feeling a specific way or that you shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling. On the contrary, your feelings should be honored and listened to for the deeper wisdom and messages they give you. Your emotions are an invaluable guidance system for you in life and in your search for love!
What I’m suggesting is that you notice the thoughts you’re mostly thinking and the emotions you’re feeling each day. You can do this by:
1. Taking an inventory of what you’re thinking and feeling over several days or a week. Keep a notepad with you or cell phone to note your observations.
2. Rating the intensity of your thoughts/emotions from a 1 to a 10, with 1 being they have very little intensity (the emotion is barely noticeable) and 10 being that you’re feeling intensely bad or intensely good.
3. Figuring out how much of the day are you feeling this– 10%, 30%, 80%?
4. Asking yourself, how much pleasure, joy, fun, love, gratitude and peace you are feeling.
5. Thinking about how you can increase that feeling of well-being even 1 level up on the 1 to 10 scale. Can you listen to music you love, pet your fur baby, go for a walk, exercise, hug someone, take a nap, meditate, pray, read something inspiring or dance?
6. Testing out which activities, conditions or thoughts bring about increased positive emotions for you or increase the intensity of positive emotions. Is it cuddling your pet, hugging your child, singing, reading something uplifting? Name the things you’re appreciating in the present moment and write them in a journal.
Again, this is not about denying or not expressing your true feelings. This is more about focusing your attention on how you can increase the intensity of some of the positive emotions. How you can stretch out the amount of time you stay in a positive emotional state, especially the feelings of love and appreciation.
Take a few extra moments to linger outdoors a bit longer and soak in the sunshine on your face and the smell of fresh cut grass or falling snow. Or really feel how cozy and soft your bed is as you settle in for the night. Soak in that warm cup of coffee or tea and enjoy every last drop.
Notice and tune deeper into the pleasures in these moments. Tell yourself. “This feels really good. I feel really good. I’m so satisfied right now. I LOVE the people in my life. I love sunsets…”.
When it comes to knowing how to attract the love of your life, ask yourself these things:
1. Are you really wanting a life partner, but you notice mostly doubts come up and you’re feeling it isn’t possible for you to find your ideal match? Do the feelings of doubt outweigh the excitement or desire that you feel?
2. Do you spend more time thinking about the downsides of having a partner, the freedom you’ll give up, or the fears they will treat you in unwanted ways, or that you won’t be able to keep your boundaries in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you?
3. Do you mostly feel discouraged when you think about finding and attracting the love of your life? To test this out, ask yourself, from a 1 to a 10, how discouraged do I feel? Or do you mostly feel hopeful about finding your true love?
What I know is that women and men of all ages have found their soulmates when they weren’t looking their best, when their first dates didn’t go perfectly, when they weren’t doing anything in particular except feeling good and being their authentic selves in that moment. It is in those moments that they have their hearts open. They’re open to meeting others and interacting more with the people they encounter in their day-to-day life.
The key is to hold the vision of what you want in a partner and in your life in your mind’s eye without focusing on it too intently.
I completely understand it’s difficult to want something so much for so long and be discouraged when you’re not seeing evidence that it is going to happen for you.
But what happens to everyone who is looking for love, at one time or another, or most of the time, is their daily thoughts contradict what they want or desire.
They want love but they don’t want pain or rejection that might come along with it.
They want companionship but they don’t want to give up their freedom and independence.
They hold parts of themselves back or order to be accepted and loved because they fear rejection.
They want a relationship but they don’t want the undesirable circumstances they’ve experienced before.
Our unconscious beliefs and fears that were formed about relationships in our early life and previous romantic relationships are playing in the back of their minds at the same time while they’re trying to find love and this ends up sabotaging their best efforts to find love.
For example, you could be thinking of the perfect mate and the qualities you’re looking for and how you want to feel when you’re with that person, but if there’s an equally powerful feeling in you that you’re not worthy of that much love or that no one is going to choose you or that in some way you’re not good enough or you’re flawed, then those beliefs/fears will show up as impediments and will attract challenges that will sabotage the beautiful vision and desire you have for having a partner in your life.
These are the types of conversations I have with my clients. We identify the thoughts and fears that could be limiting their ability to feel greater joy, confidence, hope, excitement and belief in their success to attract love. I help them release those thoughts and fears so that their general stateof mind becomes more and more positive. The limiting thoughts and emotions decrease over time and are replaced by new empowering and exciting beliefs.
The combination of their vision of what they want and how they feel actually draw more compatible people to them, the opportunities to find love increases exponentially, and the floodgates of possibility open in their love search!
For every client I’ve helped, the key to finding true love is unlocked when they make this shift in their minds and hearts. Once they do, they start meeting people who are emotionally available and ready for a long-term committed relationship and who are looking for someone just like them. The whole dating process becomes easier, starts moving forward and then, the dating skills and strategies they use only improve their experience.
If finding the love of your life is your heart’s desire, then this shift is possible for you too!
Maria Spears, M.Ed., CPPC is a Dating and Love Coach who guides women through a powerful integrative process that is based on extensive training in human development, professional coaching, Progressive Energy Field TappingTM, neuro-linguistic programming, hypnosis, the law of attraction, and nearly 25 years of relationship and personal growth research, including coaching hundreds of women and men to overcome blocks to the love and the life they want.
Her process is based, in part, on the steps she took to overcome divorce and heartache from a lifetime of relationships with the wrong men. She teaches women to break free from old patterns, understand how a lack of knowledge and self-worth can lead to unhealthy relationships, and provide them with the tools to thrive in relationships and live as their authentic selves moving forward.
Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Relationship”