Want More Sex in Marriage? Take the Divorced Girl’s Advice!

more sex in marriage

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

I can’t count the number of women who complain that their husband or boyfriend wants sex all the time, and they’re just too tired or too busy to be interested. I bet if I asked any marriage therapist, he or she would tell me that one of the big marital issues they hear in couple’s therapy is that one of the people wants more sex in marriage.

It is very common to hear men complain that their wives or significant others don’t want to sleep with them. I’ve heard men actually joke about it in front of their wives or significant others!

This got me thinking that maybe I should enlighten men on what women are thinking, and how if you are willing to put in a little bit of effort, you can have more sex with us.


Juli Walton, Divorce Therapist, North Shore Reach


Let me start by saying, no woman wants to have sex with a man who is mean to her, who belittles her, who ignores her, or who doesn’t seem to care. Just sayin… So, if you have a fight, or you said something or did something mean to her, just apologize. That works! Just say, “I’m really sorry.”

With that said, here are my suggestions for those who want more sex in marriage:

1.    Date us. 

Most women make plans for she and her husband for the weekends. She has the calendar and schedules your family get-togethers and couple’s nights out. Take it upon yourself to plan a date. Tell your wife/girlfriend to leave Saturday night open. Then, look at Open Table or get a good restaurant recommendation from a friend and make a reservation. It doesn’t take that much effort, but we appreciate this kind of planning. It shows us that you care and are looking forward to being with us.

2.    Write us a nice note or a buy us a card.

“I just wanted to let you know how much I love and care for you. You are my best friend…” Women get very emotional (in a good way) about these kinds of thoughtful gestures.

3.    Flowers.

No explanation needed. If you want more sex in marriage, call your local florist.

 4.    Offer to watch the kids while we go do something fun.

If you have little kids or babies, your wife will appreciate this probably more than anything else. And she’ll remember when you guys go to bed at night.


Jan Leasure - Mortgage Lender and Certified Divorce Lending Professional


 5.    Give us a back rub or back scratch.

There is something about non-sexual touching that makes women feel closer and more connected to her guy. It makes us feel cherished and loved and pretty and yes, sexy.

6.    Watch a movie that we want to watch.

I have this picture in my head of a guy holding the remote and channel surfing while the woman has to sit there and watch whatever he decides to stop and watch. This probably includes ESPN, family Guy and possibly the history channel or the food channel (depending on the guy).

Wouldn’t it be nice to just say, “Honey, let’s watch one of your favorite movies tonight. “Sex and the City,” or a  Nancy Meyers movie is what you’ll probably get. But, you’ll also probably get sex!

 7.    Offer to do the dishes or laundry.

Women get tired. But, they just keep going. We don’t even think about not cleaning up or letting the laundry pile up. We just keep doing what needs to be done. One night after dinner, why not say, “Go sit down and relax, I’ll clean this up.” That is thoughtful. And thoughtful acts make us love our guy, thus we want him to touch us.

8.    Hold us.

Remember that scene in “When Harry Met Sally”  where Billy Crystal asks Meg Ryan, “How long do you like to be held after sex? All night, right? See, that’s your problem, somewhere between 15 minutes and all night is your problem.” And Meg Ryan responds, “I don’t have a problem.” Look, it is what it is. Women like to be held. A lot. Do what we like and we’ll do what you like. It’s pretty simple.



9.    Hold our hand in public.

There’s no bigger turn on for women then when we see that our guy isn’t afraid to be public about his feelings for us. This hasn’t changed since high school. Hold our hand in public, or put your arm around us and our heart jumps. We love it. It makes us feel like you are proud to be with us.


Joanne Litman - Eagle Strategies LLC - Financial Solutions for Women


10. Give us a compliment.

“You look really pretty right now.” “I like the way you’ve been wearing your hair.” “Those jeans make your body look really good.” If you give us compliments, it somewhat validates all our hard work at the gym and other efforts to look good. Men don’t realize this, but we do it for you! Sure, we do it for other people too, but you are included in that. So, a compliment makes us feel like you are looking and noticing us, and that you still care.

 11. Thank us.

Just turn to your woman and say, “I know you work really hard taking care of the kids. I just want to say thanks.” You don’t have to say it everyday, but say it from time to time. Don’t assume your wife knows that. Or “Thanks for being my girlfriend. I feel really lucky.” If that doesn’t get a girl to want to have sex with you, than I don’t know what else will!

Here’s another benefit. If you do these things to your woman, and then she starts sleeping with you more, she is also going to start doing nice things for you, too. I swear by this. No one is keeping score, but if you make the effort with kind acts and gestures, she will too.

Like this article? Check out, “9 Signs of a Healthy Romantic Relationship”

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    Divorced Girl Smiling welcome video
    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at: DivorcedGirlSmiling.com

    4 Responses to “Want More Sex in Marriage? Take the Divorced Girl’s Advice!”

    1. Michele

      Bottom line. Be nice!!! it really is that simple. Oh and make her feel beautiful…. and sexy. Guess what she does with all that sexyness? Gives it right back to who made her feel that way. Not sure why years of marriage counseling and the counselors didn’t break it down to those simple terms. Stop being so mean. It really is that simple. Oh and as smile every now and then would help.

    2. Sue

      This is so stereotyped, always assuming it’s the man who wants sex and his wife doesn’t. The main reason we divorced was because my ex husband was asexual and I wanted it more.

    3. John

      Thank you for the tips but I think the article starts off from the bias that women want sex less than men. Whilst this is often the case, sometimes doing all the nice things in the world won’t make her change her mind.

      My ex wife and I divorced primarily because of this reason. We essentially were incompatible. She was happy with once a month. I would have preferred more often. We argued a lot about it and in the end I left her. I have no regrets about it.

      As a man, we grow tired of the “points system” that many women mentally run. You get points for holding hands or for taking out the trash, taking her for a meal, buying her a gift, etc etc as your post says. However it gets tiring to have the woman in charge of giving out the points and plus if you do something wrong or say something wrong – you lose all your points and you have to start over.
      In the end, as a man, I got to feeling sad about why I should have to jump through hoops to have affection. I made relentless progress from trying and caring … Not trying and caring … Not trying and not caring … Sleeping in spare room…. Divorce.

      I think many couples should be upfront about it and how important it is. I think squabbles and breakups happen when two people just aren’t matched. My current girlfriend is wonderful and wants intimacy a lot more often and is more willing to initiate. Nothing is better to a guy where the woman actually initiates things and does things like she likes the idea. It’s my all about making the woman feel good so that she’ll do you the favor of making love. I think this post contains that hidden bias, probably as a result of the authors own experiences, and frankly as a man it’s pretty upsetting to be on the other end of that!


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