“I Feel Like I’ve Been Pushed Off a Cliff” says Divorced Woman

divorced woman

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

This is from a divorced woman:

I’ve been divorced for 3 years and I found out today my ex got engaged. He called to let me know, and I felt that physical pain, that stab in your heart. I pretended to be happy for him. I should be, anyway. We have no kids but we’ve always been in contact since our divorce in secret and now he is marrying someone else.

Subconsciously I always thought we’d end up together. We’ve been dating since I started high school, and you could say he was the only real relationship I’ve had. I’m closed off to other people. I don’t mean to be, but how is it that he gets the happy ending and I feel like I’ve been pushed off a cliff?

I wish I could give you a big hug. I’m so sorry you are sad. Without knowing the reason why you got divorced, it’s hard to give you advice, but I still have some things I want to say.

First, I know that “stab in your heart” feeling. It’s awful. I recently got out of a very long term relationship and I woke up this morning wondering if he could be waking up with someone else. It was a horrible feeling and I realized how wrong it was to even let myself go there. So, I’m sure if I found out he was engaged, I would be devastated.

That said, the difference between our situations is that I am recently broken up. Yours has been three years. I’m wondering why you are still feeling so attached. Has he led you on in some way? Did you ever tell him you still loved him? If not, are you feeling regret? Could you maybe know in your heart that even though you still love him, you never tried to get back together because deep down you knew it wasn’t right? If so, you should feel good about that.

Next, you say that you’ve been in contact since the divorce “in secret.” Why? Is the new fiancé the jealous type? Would she not let him speak to you? That is a huge red flag in their relationship if that is the case. Also, why doesn’t he have the guts to lay down the law with her and say, “I was once married to this woman. I will always care for her and want to remain friends with her. If you have a problem with that, you can get over it or hit the road?” That would make him a great, great guy, in my opinion.

Here’s the biggest thing I want to get across to you: YOU CAN HAVE A HAPPY ENDING TOO! It’s waiting for you!! Go get it! You say that you are closed off to people. I get that. I’ll tell you a funny story. I’ve been seeing this guy at my gym for years. I never thought anything of him. Good or bad. He’s just there a lot when I am. Last week, I went to the gym and saw him and thought, “Wow. He is really cute.” I found out he is single. Why have I never noticed him before? Because my brain was too focused on my relationship. It’s funny what we see when we open up our hearts and start to let go of the past. I have no idea what will happen with the guy at the gym, but it made me feel hopeful about the future. That is called healing.

In my opinion, your ex-husband did you a HUGE favor by getting engaged. Know why? Because he forced the door open for you. He “pushed you off the cliff!” That is a GOOD THING!! Do you know how big this world is and how many wonderful people are out there? Don’t feel sorry for yourself anymore. Please. Your life is about to get WAY better. But only if you let it. Your ex pushed you off the cliff. Now is the time to get up, dust yourself off, put on some pink lipstick, approach some boys and allow yourself to feel love again with someone. I want you to write to me when you fall in love with some guy and tell me how happy you are.

Good luck!! xoxo

Buy novels by Jackie Pilossoph



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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

One Response to ““I Feel Like I’ve Been Pushed Off a Cliff” says Divorced Woman”

  1. Kimberley

    I once felt like you closed off still in love with my ex and thought I would never find love again. One day I decided I was tired of feeling sorry for myself my ex had moved on and I decided it was time for me to try. I joined several online dating websites. At first I thought I was crazy but when my phone started blowing up with guys who wanted to meet me and were interested in me! I have to say it was a huge confidence boost. Some of them were seriously weird you have to weed out the good from the bad. But it seriously made me feel better to get out in the world and start meeting people again. I dated a few different guys I met online and had one really bizarre date. I didn’t fall in love with any of them. But I did realize there are a lot of interesting people out there you just have to put yourself out there. Once you do start putting yourself out there the loneliness will slowly start to fade away. Hang in there it gets better! I was once devastated and lonely and sad. I finally met someone and am in love and 110% happier than I ever was with my ex. I ended up falling in love with a guy I have known for over 20 years who used to annoy and get on my nerves. I never in a million years would have imagined us together. But one day something changed and I realized what an amazing person he was and gave him a chance and it is seriously the best thing I ever did. But sometimes I think you have to go through something really bad to open your eyes and see things in a different light. All of the people I know who have also been through a painful divorce have felt like you and all of them ended up meeting someone and are way happier things do get better!


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