It’s hard to know what life after divorce for men and women looks like until you experience it. You might be reading this and either thinking about divorce or going through one, and you have no idea what life is going to be like.
This is a story that might give you a glimpse of suburban life after divorce for men and women:
One night I was headed to a suburban restaurant to meet a close friend for a quiet dinner. Since I hadn’t seen her in awhile, I was looking forward to catching up. I invited another friend of ours (a divorced dad) to join us.
When I entered the restaurant, I noticed that my friend’s sister was there (who I love.) I was happy, and I knew the evening would still be the same—lots of catching up and laughing. Enter our guy friend, who decided to bring some girl, who didn’t seem particularly friendly. It was awkward. Uncomfortable. I’m thinking, ‘I don’t get to go out that often and I really don’t want to deal with some girl who is going to be rude to me.’
Shortly after, an old friend of mine (who is also friends with our guy friend) walks in. Now I am ecstatic, because I love this girl and we lost touch awhile ago, something I really regret. She is with a friend who was instantly likable.
Then there’s this guy sitting at a table next to our big table eating dinner alone. I start talking to him. He is from London, lives in Boston but he’s here for work. He’s so sweet. Divorced. I tell him to join our table after his dinner. He seems unsure, but grateful for the invite.
Then a couple other guys walk in. One is friends with the original girl I was meeting there, and one is a friend of someone else there.
I then spot a woman I know a few tables over having dinner with her girlfriend. They join us.
This is key. What I began observing after several minutes was a connection. Everyone walked in knowing only one person (or none) and yet it didn’t seem awkward at all. People began having deeper conversations. Most were smiling and laughing at times. Everyone just seemed at ease with each other.
From the outside looking in, this was a bunch of divorced men and women, a lot who were meeting each other for the first time, but who seemed more like old friends. I heard someone joking about a colonoscopy, ex’s, dating stories, and more.
Why the instant connection? We all had something in common: DIVORCE. Every single person at the table (at least a dozen people) had gone through a divorce or was going through one, so there was an instant commonality and a comfort that didn’t take long to surface.
Here are the lessons I learned during the night:
1. Don’t be so quick to judge.
The girl I originally thought was rude was anything but! Turns out, she was nervous. After she let her guard down and relaxed, I have to say this girl is a sweetheart. She began the night insecure, which is understandable. I found out the next day she had just ended a very long term relationship. I was disappointed in myself for not being more open minded right off the bat. I feel like I made a new friend, which is gift I always enjoy receiving.
2. Let strangers in.
The English guy ended up being the life of the party. He was hilarious. When I left, he was still in there, socializing away! We did a nice thing inviting him into our circle. Living in a foreign country and traveling every week probably leaves little time for meeting people. Perhaps we gave him a much needed friend night out and helped him feel less lonely and alone.
3. Embrace the unforeseen.
What I thought was going to be a quiet dinner turned into a party. Things usually don’t turn out the way you intend and that can be a good thing sometimes!
4. Loneliness is hard, and socializing is the best thing you can do for yourself during divorce.
I don’t want to tell you that you have to go out drinking all the time. That’s not what I’m saying at all. But if you make plans with other people–whether it’s going to a bar or going for a walk or coffee or a museum or shopping, it’s a healthy way to feel less alone and isolated. A big part of depression is being alone too much. During divorce, you need that socialization!
The biggest thing I can share with newly separated men and woman is this. Make friends with other divorced people. Both male and female. Don’t worry so much about meeting someone romantically. Just having a group of friends to call and get together with anytime you want is really a gift. Focus on new friendships that are platonic. The dates and relationships will follow, as you will meet others through this group. But more importantly, you will be part of something—a group that will include you in all these really fun nights out. And anytime you feel like going out, you have someone to call.
We all love our married friends and our oldest friends, but having divorced friends–people who understand how you are feeling, offers so many benefits and will enrich your life.
People always tell me how difficult it is to meet someone. My advice: THIS is how you meet someone. AND, it’s how you develop new friendships, have fun and move on from your divorce.
Like this article? Check out 9 More Things I learned in Divorce”
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