Divorce Advice for “It Is Killing Me Inside”

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

From a woman seeking divorce advice:

My ex owes a lot of people money, including me (over $50,000). We divorced in 2009 and he tried to take the children away from me just because I wanted to move back to my home town. I originally would have done anything for him to have him come home with us but within weeks of us separating, he hooked up with someone in the neighborhood, flaunting this girl around my children. I was humiliated and shocked. I was taken in an ambulance to the hospital when I found out this news. I could not believe anyone could treat anyone else so poorly. My self-esteem was devastated for years.

On top of this, he has constantly flaunted his wealth in my face by taking the children on expensive holidays with his various girlfriends and refusing to pay according to our order while I’ve struggled to get back on my feet. He has refused to follow our financial agreement and has made my life very difficult so emotionally I do not trust anyone.

This past weekend he got remarried without so much as letting me know that he was engaged or letting my preteen children know! I was shocked and they were shocked. His total disrespect makes me angry and hurt and I wonder, ‘What did I ever do to deserve this person in my life?’ Although I am hurting, I am trying to be brave for my kids, but it is killing me inside.


I’m so sorry about your ex. I am sorry that he owes you money he refuses to pay. I’m sorry that he humiliated you. I’m sorry that he flaunts his wealth and that you are struggling financially. And, I’m sorry that he got remarried without telling you or your kids.

But, now that I have validated your feelings, I have to give you some tough love. The one I am feeling sorry for right now is YOU. You divorced in 2009. Do you realize that it is 2015?! It is six years later and you are letting him control how you feel.

Here’s the thing. It is very very weird when your ex gets remarried. Even if you think you are over it, it is very hard. It’s sad. It makes you feel very lonely and alone (even if you are in a relationship.) It truly signifies the end of you and him. I get it. I really really do. But you have to let him go. I bet you have heard that from all of your friends and family. Please listen to them and me.

It is killing you inside because you are letting it. Why six years later have you not moved on? What do want your life to be? What do you want to do professionally? Are you enjoying your children and watching them grow up? are you even enjoying life? Have you ever looked at the ocean and just sat there admiring its beauty? Have you ever been on a ski lift and looked at a snow covered mountain? This world is so huge. It has countless things (and people) in it that can make you happy or miserable. The choice is yours, and you are choosing misery. Why?? What are you waiting for? When are you going to say “forget him. I’m focusing on my life?”

Because of your kids, you will always be dealing with your ex and that isn’t easy. But, a new rule for yourself should be: if you drop off the kids at his place and he is rude, or you notice a new BMW in the driveway, or his new pretty wife at the door, yes, it might burn for a few minutes. But the key is, let it go the minute you drive away and forget about it. Think you can do that? I hope so because you sound like a good person who just got wrapped up in self-pity land.

I hope you don’t think I’m too harsh, and again I want to validate that what he did stinks. From your story, it sounds like he’s a real jerk. But, he gave you two great kids!! Can’t you focus on them? And more importantly, your NEW, better life??

If you continue this way, it will eventually kill you, because you will become bitter, angry and no one will want to be around you. But it’s not too late. Wrap up your pity party and move into happy mode. It’s all waiting for you, yours for the taking.

Big hugs and best wishes.

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    Divorced Girl Smiling welcome video
    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at: DivorcedGirlSmiling.com

    5 Responses to “Divorce Advice for “It Is Killing Me Inside””

    1. Lori

      Yes you must let go I don’t know how to do it,but for me it is my self esteem lack of it trying to feel good about myself so I can move on,6 years is along time,it is hard but you have to let go for yourself no one else

    2. Doug, Chicago

      A wise person once said to me “we cling to our stories, no matter how painful and humiliating, rather than risk changing what we know and experiencing something new.” That phrase “we cling to our stories” was an epiphany for me. It unveiled a truth that I was perseverating on a narrative that was preserved only in my own head and that I was completely free to leave all those negative feelings behind (not doing so was a choice that I needed to acknowledge). Divorce creates a lost and lonely feeling but the wonderful truth is that there is a HUGE community of like minded people who are walking (or have walked) the same path. Join them. Follow their example. How would it feel to be at peace in your mind, to surrender to your circumstances, to accept your situation? It might feel pretty good to stop accepting the negative energies that are killing you. Find peace, surrender and acceptance of this moment and begin to nurse your self esteem by gentle movement in a new direction. Your whole life is ahead of you. You have the power to choose inner peace. Don’t give that power away. You have survived a terrible experience that knocked you down. Now you have the chance to stand back up and slowly start to move again. Be kind to yourself and you will have the all the support you need.

    3. Tamara

      To all you women who have been putting up with your gambling husband.
      Leave the marriage
      To all you women who have been putting up with your drunken husband
      Leave the marriage
      To all you women who have been putting up with your cheating husband
      Leave the marriage
      To all you women who have been putting up with a porn addict husband
      Leave the marriage
      To all you women who have been putting up with a sexually useless man
      Leave the marriage
      To all you women who have been putting up with the emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, lies, social isolation, manipulation, greed, abuse of power, and drug abuse…. Just leave!
      Are you that worthless that he deserves you?
      Are you sure it’s about the kids?
      Who is going to take care of the kids when you are clinically insane because of him?
      When is life going to be about you?
      Are you scared of angering god?
      You are not angering god. You are getting justice.
      God is justice.
      Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me.
      Get your life back! Get a divorce!

    4. Josh

      Good post Jakie,

      I think one of the reasons people don’t do anything is because of fear. Fear off rejection, fear of not find another person to be with, fear of what the people would say about it.

      I know is difficult, and to act after spending a life with a person that supposed to be with you for the rest of your life, but I also think that if you are struggling you need to think for a moment and do what is best for you.


    5. Rosy Mayfield

      That really is a very painful sounding divorce story. It makes me feel that I got out of my marriage very easily, although I can’t say it wasn’t difficult.
      I recently discovered a really wonderful guide book that I think could really be a huge help to anyone going through these tough and confusing times.
      Divorce Demystified by Henry Gornbein.

      I’m a big fan of this book and I especially liked the attention given to the social media aspect that can often play a big role these days.
      Weell worth taking a moment to read up on some fo the reviews and check out the authors website.


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