Dating and Facebook: My Advice is RUN From Guy Who Wants Privacy

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

Dating and Facebook are two words that together can certainly cause some problems. For example, I just heard about a guy who won’t “like” any of his girlfriend’s pictures because he’s afraid his ex-wife will get upset. Then there’s a couple who just ended a long term relationship and the girl doesn’t want to post any pics of her and her new boyfriend because she doesn’t want to hurt the old guy. I also know a woman whose boyfriend of over a year won’t let her post pics because he doesn’t want his kids to see. Then there was a woman who broke up with a guy because he was tagged in a photo kissing another woman on someone else’s page. I could go on and on.


With all the benefits of Facebook comes a lot of relationship issues, and my rule of thumb is, if you post something on Facebook, you have to be OK with it to the extent that if it was on national television, you wouldn’t care about ANYONE, (not one single person) knowing what you posted. If that’s OK, then it’s all good.


But, what if you were dating someone, and the guy (or girl) told you he/she wanted complete privacy when it came to social media and his/her texts? In other words, he/she didn’t want to “friend” you, or have you be a part of his/her Facebook account? He/she also locked their phone and didn’t want you reading any of their texts? The reason: “I just have a strong need for privacy.”


This is the situation that one of my readers is in, and she’s finding herself asking, “Am I being oversensitive or over trusting??”


My answer to this question is based upon how long the two have been together, since there is a big difference between dating someone for a month and wanting to stay private as opposed to 6 months or a year.


However, I have to be honest and say that I have a real problem with guy/girl who wants to “stay private” in social media because it implies that he/she is dating other people. Now, if you know that in the relationship and you are OK with it, then there’s no issue. But, it doesn’t sound like the case with my reader, and to put it bluntly, I think she can do better. I think she deserves better.


I think the message this guy is sending her is, “I don’t want to be your Facebook friend because I don’t want you to see what I’m doing. I also don’t want you to see my texts because I’m hiding something. I’m either involved with other women, or I don’t want you to see what I post because it’s inappropriate or it might be offensive to you.”


Would I want to date this guy??? Hell no.


I believe that the biggest part of a healthy relationship is trust. I think that if you want a truly authentic, meaningful relationship that you should be able to hand your *ucking cell phone over to your partner and say, “I’m an open book. Read whatever you’d like about me, go on my social media pages and have fun because I’m not hiding anything from you.”


I’m not judging anyone who doesn’t agree with me, but I know that for myself, that’s what I want, that’s what I feel I deserve, and that’s what would make me happy. And, I’d be happy to do that for someone, as well. No secret Facebook or texting life. All that does is cheapen the relationship.


Don’t get me wrong. I get a lot of joy out of Facebook and seeing people’s vacations, kids, inspirational quotes and funny jokes. It’s a great office day break and a nice way to stay in touch with others. But, Facebook can cause friction and hurt in friendships and in romantic relationships. I guess you have to take the good with the bad. The choice is yours. But if a guy I was dating didn’t even want to be my Facebook friend, I think I would RUN (not walk) away from him. It’s really kind of mean, if you think about it, and who wants to date someone who’s mean?
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    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at:

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