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Your Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend: Love Her, Hate Her or Indifferent?

Written by Jackie Pilossoph. Posted in divorce advice, relationship with ex, relationships after divorce

 

ex-husband's new girlfriend

I’ll never forget the first time I ever met my ex-husband’s new girlfriend. She was beautiful, blonde, much younger than me, and the worst one: NICE!

I felt sick. I felt old. I felt ugly. I felt depressed. I really wanted to hate her guts. The problem was, I just couldn’t. She was (is) so darn nice!

I haven’t seen that new movie, The Other Woman, with Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann, but just from watching the trailer and knowing the plot (a cheating guy’s wife and his girlfriend hit it off and become good friends) I have to believe that it’s common that women (as much as they try, and as much as it’s almost expected) just can’t despise their ex-husband’s new girlfriend.

If you think about it, it makes sense that the two of you would get along. It’s all about the same initial attractions/commonalities. So, if your ex liked certain things about you, it would make sense that he’d be attracted to those same qualities. And if you and the girl have similar qualities, it makes sense that you’d get along, right?

That’s why when I did a poll on my Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook page last week, asking women to describe their ex-husband’s new girlfriend in one word, I was SHOCKED at the responses I got.

 

4 positives:

 

Amazing, caring, sweet, thoughtful

 

18 negatives:

 

Pig, vapid, ruthless, disrespectful, butter face (which means nice body, ugly face—I had to look that one up), clueless, ignorant, 22, vicious, sloth, harmful, controlling, mouse wife, low-rent, android, yuck, whore, trash.

 

I wondered, ‘Why do all these women hate their ex-husband’s new girlfriend so much?’ 10 reasons dawned on me. Not saying any of these are the case with all the women who responded, just saying they are possibilities. So, here are 10 reasons you might despise your ex’s new girlfriend:

 

  1. You still have feelings for your ex./You’re not over him.
  2. Society makes us feel like it isn’t ok to like your ex’s new girlfriend.
  3. The girl really is horrible.
  4. Your ex husband puts distance between the two of you because HE doesn’t feel comfortable if you are friends or even nice to each other. In other words, if HE doesn’t like you, SHE can’t either.
  5. You think the girl hates you.
  6. The girl is the reason for the end of your marriage. In other words, he was cheating on you with her.
  7. The biggest reason: You’re just not over the divorce yet, and the feelings of resentment are just too raw.
  8. You are envious/jealous of the girl.
  9. The girl is trying to be your kids’ mom.
  10. You don’t feel like the girl respects you.

 

Here are the benefits of having a good relationship with your ex-husband’s new girlfriend:

 

  1. First and most important: Your kids will be happier. The children of divorce who are the most well-adjusted are the ones who bear the least conflict in their lives. Kids love it when they feel everyone is getting along and that their parents and parents’ spouses like each other. It relaxes them and takes so much pressure off of them.

 

  1. It makes life so much easier. It’s funny, when I see my ex’s new girlfriend, she acts kind of nervous around me. Granted, she’s probably thinking that whatever she says is going to end up in a blog post. So, I can understand that, I guess. But, I think she knows how much I really like her, and that makes things so much easier for both of us. She actually babysat for me once when I had to go to an event and my ex was out of town. My kids had a great time, and I never forgot that gesture. I have offered to pick up her child on numerous occasions. I think a mutually respectful relationship like that is such a win win for everyone.

 

Here’s the thing. Whether or not you like her, the woman is here to stay. If your ex moves in with her or marries her, she’s now in your family, spending a significant amount of time around your children. Isn’t it just easier and better for everyone if the two of you get along?

You don’t have to be best pals. And, don’t be naïve and say anything behind your ex’s back to her, because undoubtedly, her loyalty is with him, and you will get burned. But, to buy her a Christmas gift, or to offer to help her out is really, really good for your kids, and it’s good karma.

By the way, I did post something on my Facebook page the same day that read:

Describe your ex-wife’s new boyfriend or husband in one word.

 I got no responses. I wonder what that means. Divorced Girl Smiling has about a 70/30 ratio of female to male readers, so clearly there were men who read it. Maybe when it comes to an ex, men are a little less willing to share their thoughts publicly?

The bottom line is, whether you are a man or a woman whose ex is getting remarried, it is in your best interest to have a good relationship with the person whether they are a butter face or pretty face, low-rent or classy, or 22 or 52.

You can’t control how the new girlfriend will act towards you, but I find that it’s the first wife who takes the lead on this. If you treat her as the enemy, she will do the same. If you are kind, she will be too. In some instances, the girlfriend will be a nightmare, which is probably her insecurity when it comes to you. That’s HER problem. And, I would STILL be kind!

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling is a blog dedicated to helping men and women see divorce in a hopeful, inspirational way, with a little humor added to keep them smiling!

Comments (6)

  • Liv

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    Wow. I’m surprised none of the men answered. But I agree, you’re best to accept it and move on. Great advice!

    Reply

  • Tam

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    I’m in the situation that exes GF is totally someone I’d be friends with. Only problem is that they had a relationship b4 he asked me for divorce. I’m trying to let the past be the past for all the reasons you stated, mostly for my DD. Actually completely for my DD. If we didn’t have a child I’d tell them both to take a leap off a tall cliff. But I have a beautiful little girl that deserves all the happiness the world has to offer, so I suck it up and play nice. I hope that as time passes it will heal me and I won’t always think about the fact that he cheated on me with her. In the mean time I’m following the old adage, fake it till you make it!

    Reply

  • edie

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    I like your suggestion to be first in being friendly, My ex’s wife is barely warm back to me – cautious, it’s more the word. I can only imagine what things my ex has told her!

    I think if I continue to send out the olive leaf, I will relax more around both and hopefully so will she.

    Reply

  • Ansley West

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    I was the new girlfriend. Though he had been divorced for years, I was the first serious woman to come into his life. His ex-wife had a steady boyfriend for a long time. She was very welcoming to me and we have always been friends. It definitely makes everything easier and I admire her honesty, kindness and ability to accept me.

    Reply

  • "Doug" - Chicago

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    I can’t speak for men generally, but when I saw the request for male responses on Facebook I refrained from speaking in that forum out of respect for my teenage son who sees my posts there and is struggling (understandably) with the reality of a new man in his mother’s house. What I will say here (as I say to him directly) is that I take no pleasure in any discord he might feel with the new BF who I have experienced as a well-mannered, soft-spoken gentlemen, not so different from me (a common pattern discussed in Jackie’s post). That said, my son’s resistance is natural and I respect and take seriously his views and concerns (he knows that while I advocate for a peaceful middle-way and don’t generally take sides – I always have him in mind). I like and trust the BF (as well as my ex’s judgment) and recently allowed my DD to participate on a summer trip he arranged for his own similar-aged daughters. If the BF is a lasting presence in my children’s lives, my only intention is to act with their best interests at heart.

    Reply

  • Kate

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    My ex married a younger woman about 6 months after our divorce, they were living together 4 months after he moved out. I met her briefly a few months before he left and all I remember is mousy, stuck up, bad hair and she was involved at the time with a married man who had just dumped her. She was a piece of work. I wouldn’t know her if I ran into her at the gym.

    But your blog said relationship with you ex. And I would love to hear why you think that when my now ex wanted a divorce after 30 years of marriage, working together and being best friends, – who said he wasn’t happy, that he would always be there for me and loved me, but didn’t want to live with me. That now after a year and he is with someone that he blames me for all sorts of stuff, calls up and yells at me because he told his GF that he still loved me (I am sure she didn’t handle that well), can barely be in the same room with me. WTF! I am the hurt party. I said I will always love you but go and be happy. Why am I the git in the room now?

    Its so not fair! So all you men out there – tell me what is going on? I just want to be his best friend again. We had so many great times and I miss his bad puns.

    Reply

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