Your Ex-Husband’s New Girlfriend: Love Her, Hate Her or Indifferent?By Jackie Pilossoph


I’ll never forget the first time I ever met my ex-husband’s new girlfriend. She was beautiful, blonde, much younger than me, and the worst one: NICE! I felt sick. I…..

I’ll never forget the first time I ever met my ex-husband’s new girlfriend. She was beautiful, blonde, much younger than me, and the worst one: NICE!

I felt sick. I felt old. I felt ugly. I felt depressed. I really wanted to hate her guts. The problem was, I just couldn’t. She was (is) so darn nice!

I haven’t seen that new movie, The Other Woman, with Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann, but just from watching the trailer and knowing the plot (a cheating guy’s wife and his girlfriend hit it off and become good friends) I have to believe that it’s common that women (as much as they try, and as much as it’s almost expected) just can’t despise their ex-husband’s new girlfriend.

If you think about it, it makes sense that the two of you would get along. It’s all about the same initial attractions/commonalities. So, if your ex liked certain things about you, it would make sense that he’d be attracted to those same qualities. And if you and the girl have similar qualities, it makes sense that you’d get along, right?

That’s why when I did a poll on my Divorced Girl Smiling Facebook page last week, asking women to describe their ex-husband’s new girlfriend in one word, I was SHOCKED at the responses I got.

4 positives:

Amazing, caring, sweet, thoughtful

18 negatives:

Pig, vapid, ruthless, disrespectful, butter face (which means nice body, ugly face—I had to look that one up), clueless, ignorant, 22, vicious, sloth, harmful, controlling, mouse wife, low-rent, android, yuck, whore, trash.


I wondered, ‘Why do all these women hate their ex-husband’s new girlfriend so much?’ 10 reasons dawned on me. Not saying any of these are the case with all the women who responded, just saying they are possibilities. So, here are 10 reasons you might despise your ex’s new girlfriend:


  1. You still have feelings for your ex./You’re not over him.
  2. Society makes us feel like it isn’t ok to like your ex’s new girlfriend.
  3. The girl really is horrible.
  4. Your ex husband puts distance between the two of you because HE doesn’t feel comfortable if you are friends or even nice to each other. In other words, if HE doesn’t like you, SHE can’t either.
  5. You think the girl hates you.
  6. The girl is the reason for the end of your marriage. In other words, he was cheating on you with her.
  7. The biggest reason: You’re just not over the divorce yet, and the feelings of resentment are just too raw.
  8. You are envious/jealous of the girl.
  9. The girl is trying to be your kids’ mom.
  10. You don’t feel like the girl respects you.


Here are the benefits of having a good relationship with your ex-husband’s new girlfriend:


  1. First and most important: Your kids will be happier. The children of divorce who are the most well-adjusted are the ones who bear the least conflict in their lives. Kids love it when they feel everyone is getting along and that their parents and parents’ spouses like each other. It relaxes them and takes so much pressure off of them.


  1. It makes life so much easier. It’s funny, when I see my ex’s new girlfriend, she acts kind of nervous around me. Granted, she’s probably thinking that whatever she says is going to end up in a blog post. So, I can understand that, I guess. But, I think she knows how much I really like her, and that makes things so much easier for both of us. She actually babysat for me once when I had to go to an event and my ex was out of town. My kids had a great time, and I never forgot that gesture. I have offered to pick up her child on numerous occasions. I think a mutually respectful relationship like that is such a win win for everyone.


Here’s the thing. Whether or not you like her, the woman is here to stay. If your ex moves in with her or marries her, she’s now in your family, spending a significant amount of time around your children. Isn’t it just easier and better for everyone if the two of you get along?

You don’t have to be best pals. And, don’t be naïve and say anything behind your ex’s back to her, because undoubtedly, her loyalty is with him, and you will get burned. But, to buy her a Christmas gift, or to offer to help her out is really, really good for your kids, and it’s good karma.

By the way, I did post something on my Facebook page the same day that read:

Describe your ex-wife’s new boyfriend or husband in one word.

 I got no responses. I wonder what that means. Divorced Girl Smiling has about a 70/30 ratio of female to male readers, so clearly there were men who read it. Maybe when it comes to an ex, men are a little less willing to share their thoughts publicly?

The bottom line is, whether you are a man or a woman whose ex is getting remarried, it is in your best interest to have a good relationship with the person whether they are a butter face or pretty face, low-rent or classy, or 22 or 52.

You can’t control how the new girlfriend will act towards you, but I find that it’s the first wife who takes the lead on this. If you treat her as the enemy, she will do the same. If you are kind, she will be too. In some instances, the girlfriend will be a nightmare, which is probably her insecurity when it comes to you. That’s HER problem. And, I would STILL be kind!



Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

10 Replies

Liv August 17, 2014Reply

Wow. I'm surprised none of the men answered. But I agree, you're best to accept it and move on. Great advice!

Tam August 17, 2014Reply

I'm in the situation that exes GF is totally someone I'd be friends with. Only problem is that they had a relationship b4 he asked me for divorce. I'm trying to let the past be the past for all the reasons you stated, mostly for my DD. Actually completely for my DD. If we didn't have a child I'd tell them both to take a leap off a tall cliff. But I have a beautiful little girl that deserves all the happiness the world has to offer, so I suck it up and play nice. I hope that as time passes it will heal me and I won't always think about the fact that he cheated on me with her. In the mean time I'm following the old adage, fake it till you make it!

    Narelle January 18, 2015Reply

    Wow... Can I just say Well Done Tam ! I am not anywhere near where you are now and I've been separated for nearly 2 yrs ! My ex was not WITH the GF when we separated but I had seen her 'make a play' for him for 5 years (she also works for him)... the pain is incredible and I just cannot seem to get passed it. I truly would love to know how the hell you have been so strong !

edie August 17, 2014Reply

I like your suggestion to be first in being friendly, My ex's wife is barely warm back to me - cautious, it's more the word. I can only imagine what things my ex has told her! I think if I continue to send out the olive leaf, I will relax more around both and hopefully so will she.

Ansley West September 01, 2014Reply

I was the new girlfriend. Though he had been divorced for years, I was the first serious woman to come into his life. His ex-wife had a steady boyfriend for a long time. She was very welcoming to me and we have always been friends. It definitely makes everything easier and I admire her honesty, kindness and ability to accept me.

"Doug" - Chicago September 15, 2014Reply

I can't speak for men generally, but when I saw the request for male responses on Facebook I refrained from speaking in that forum out of respect for my teenage son who sees my posts there and is struggling (understandably) with the reality of a new man in his mother's house. What I will say here (as I say to him directly) is that I take no pleasure in any discord he might feel with the new BF who I have experienced as a well-mannered, soft-spoken gentlemen, not so different from me (a common pattern discussed in Jackie's post). That said, my son's resistance is natural and I respect and take seriously his views and concerns (he knows that while I advocate for a peaceful middle-way and don't generally take sides - I always have him in mind). I like and trust the BF (as well as my ex's judgment) and recently allowed my DD to participate on a summer trip he arranged for his own similar-aged daughters. If the BF is a lasting presence in my children's lives, my only intention is to act with their best interests at heart.

Kate September 16, 2014Reply

My ex married a younger woman about 6 months after our divorce, they were living together 4 months after he moved out. I met her briefly a few months before he left and all I remember is mousy, stuck up, bad hair and she was involved at the time with a married man who had just dumped her. She was a piece of work. I wouldn't know her if I ran into her at the gym. But your blog said relationship with you ex. And I would love to hear why you think that when my now ex wanted a divorce after 30 years of marriage, working together and being best friends, - who said he wasn't happy, that he would always be there for me and loved me, but didn't want to live with me. That now after a year and he is with someone that he blames me for all sorts of stuff, calls up and yells at me because he told his GF that he still loved me (I am sure she didn't handle that well), can barely be in the same room with me. WTF! I am the hurt party. I said I will always love you but go and be happy. Why am I the git in the room now? Its so not fair! So all you men out there - tell me what is going on? I just want to be his best friend again. We had so many great times and I miss his bad puns.

TxMom February 16, 2015Reply

I don't know...I have been having a REALLY hard time accepting her. She is 6 years younger than my ex and me, she invades my private time with my kids, she forces herself into situations...the hardest part for me to grasp is that they have only been together less than a year and are already planning on marrying. I have been with my fiancé for 4 years and am taking it slow because I want to make sure it's right and I don't out my kids through divorce again...she also doesn't want kids. How can a woman enter into a situation with kids and not want any of her own? To me, that is mind-boggling...

Shannon April 07, 2015Reply

I don't have an issue with my ex husbands fiance- the problem isn't with her in particular. We are FB friends and I want to help out in anyway I can, she is very young 21, and I have been in love and happy for 10+ years to my best friend. The only thing that gets on my nerves is seeing him happy and smiling in all of their pictures, seeing him playing with her son (not his) and wondering the whole time- where the hell was this fun, decent person when I needed him? He split on me and our son- I share him with his grandma, because he just didn't give a crap and didn't love him, support him, play with him, teach him or do any daddy type things with him ever. Now he is getting married and is being a father to someone else's child? I am happy for the 2 year old in question that he is getting his needs met, but there is still our son who isn't. Everyday- a barrage of cutesy stomach churning pictures of him with this girl, who is basically fresh out of being a child herself, who never finished high school because she got pregnant, is fully willing to walk into the barbaric mentality of stay close the stove, barefoot and "make me a sammich biatch" and pop out 15 more for me while I do as I please and take away each and every right you thought you had down to your access to a bank account, phone, family and friends,car, employment etc. I am educated, published, look damn good for 35, but apparently that wasn't what he needed not to abuse and humiliated our child and I on a daily basis. Seeing him happy is what gets me- my husband lust showers me with affirmations every day - because he loves me and to remind me that I am lovable because I basically have PTSD from surviving my ex husband. I know that he is psychologically/mentally/emotionally defective or something but I see them and I feel these feelings of - what a bastard, why couldn't he have been like this with us? I think I have A LOT of growing up to do, and I am trying. When ever I have an angry feeling about the situation I do or say something nice for her to counter it- but truly I want to tell this man off, I have been nice for far to long concerning him. I see the truth, he is prepping another victim, like a mental serial killer. But I'm not saying one thing, because if the girl can't figure out that a man that has been to prison (not while we were together) for stealing, abandoned his child and beat his wife isn't great marriage material- I guess she is kind of asking for what is coming, I mean common sense people. I didn't have the luxury of seeing what he had done to other people when I "fell in love" (not love- absolute co-dependance). I like the girl- I hate him, he doesn't deserve a second chance, he almost killed me twice, and to me, he doesn't deserve a 21 year old child with a child, she is too impressionable and sweet, he simply shouldn't have this opportunity to harm another young woman.

orchid April 21, 2015Reply

I saw the 2nd wife of a friend at a college reunion. I had only met her once before, at a reunion five years before. My friend's son - her stepson - had just graduated West Point. I asked what going to happen next, and she said that he was about to be activated to Afghanistan (this was when the war was really hot), and she then added that, "Both Mom and Stepmom are not very happy about that." I was concerned to hear the news - no one wants their friend's son to go to war. But it was also refreshing. Obviously, she had some kind of relationship with my friend's first wife, and also, she had legitimate concerns about her stepson. PS: The son came out of Afghanistan fine.

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