What To Say On A Date When Asked About Your Divorce

what to say on a date

By Jackie Pilossoph, Editor-in-chief, Divorced Girl Smiling, Love Essentially columnist and author

When it comes to what to say on a date, specifically answering the question “Why did you get divorced?” things can get complicated. I mean, undoubtedly, it will come up at some point. Right? I mean, can you blame someone for wanting to know?

 

As a person who has experienced these kinds of conversations on dates, (both the one who has asked the question and who has been asked) I can honestly say that when people ask “Why did you get divorced?” or “What happened in your marriage?” they know they aren’t getting the full story.

What I mean is, we are hearing  our date’s side of the story. Their former spouse isn’t on the date to offer their side of what happened in the divorce. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could hear the ex-spouse’s side? It would tell you a lot about your date, but that’s not going to happen.

So, if we ask our divorced dates why they got divorced, and we’re only getting one side of the story, why do we want to know? Because we want to hear what they have to say. We want to see if there’s bitterness in the answer. We want to see if things add up. We want to gauge the sincerity of the response. Because even from one side of the story, we can get the landscape of the person’s situation.

 

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Several years ago, when I was dating, I met a guy on Facebook who was newly separated. We decided to meet at a bar. I felt more comfortable with my friends around, so I made the evening a group get together.

 

The four of us talked a lot and eventually it was just he and I in a conversation. So, I asked him, “Why are you getting divorced?

 

His response was, “Well, my wife and I were going through a tough time and I did some things I probably shouldn’t have.”

 

I tried to hide the fact that my jaw was on the ground. This guy just admitted to cheating.  Boom. Deal breaker. What to say on a date? This guy clearly got it wrong. Immediately, I was done. From that moment on, I had no interest in ever going out with him again. I know that sounds judgmental, closed-minded and short sighted, but that’s how I felt. It was a complete turnoff, and what was sad was, he really did seem like a good person. Still, there was no turning back from that response.

Vestor

 

Since then, we have become friends, and have always stayed in touch.  A couple years ago, I decided to be honest with him and tell him without sugarcoating what I thought of his response to “Why did you get divorced?”

 

He then told me that he did not cheat on his wife, but rather that he flirted with some women, that it was inappropriate, and that he knew he handled things badly.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that at the bar?” I asked.

What to say on a date in response to questions about your divorce

The point of this story is, how you answer questions such as, “Why did you get divorced?” is very important in a new relationship.

In my friend’s case, he is a total sweetheart. He knows now that he shouldn’t have done what he did, and that flirting and talking to other women is not a good way to handle a rough patch in a marriage. That he instead should have reached out to his wife and said, “You aren’t giving me what I need emotionally. I want this to work. I don’t want to lose what we have. Can we get help? Can we try to make our marriage better?”

 

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If he’d have said those things to me at the bar, I’d have viewed him as he really is: a  good guy who made some mistakes, and actually, he didn’t’ even cheat. Maybe a tad bit of emotional cheating, but as a divorced woman, that wouldn’t stop me from dating him.

 

So, what do you say on a date when asked, “Why did you get divorced?” First, have this answer prepared. I’m not saying rehearse it and be non-genuine. I’m just saying, really think about what you want to tell men (or women) about what happened in your marriage. If you know what you want to say, things will come out more smoothly.

 

Secondly, answer honestly. If you did cheat, you owe it to the person to say so. You can always follow up with how you regret it and what you now know you should have done instead. I think you will find that most men and women are understanding and forgiving.

 

Sell your jewelry and/or wedding rings online.

 

Also, I want to add that you don’t have to go into tremendous details and air your dirty laundry about why you got divorced. Share as much as you feel comfortable sharing. But, make sure there is enough of an explanation so that the person knows who the real you is.

 

Lastly, don’t answer the question by talking about what an asshole or jerk or bitch your ex is. That just sounds classless and bitter. It’s unattractive and it shows the date that you clearly aren’t over the divorce and might not be in a good place to get into a relationship.

 

Whether it’s in the first five minutes of a first date, several dates down the road or somewhere in between, questions about your divorce will be asked, and what to say on a date on this topic is extremely important. How you answer this and other divorce questions could be a game changer in the relationship.

Like this article? Check out, “Dating After Divorce: What to Say, What To Wear and Other Tips”

 

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorce is a journey. Live it with grace, courage and gratitude. Peace and joy are on the way! Jackie Pilossoph is the creator and Editor-In-Chief of Divorced Girl Smiling. The author of the novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase, Pilossoph also writes the weekly dating and relationships advice column, “Love Essentially”, published in the Chicago Tribune Pioneer Press and the Chicago Tribune online. Additionally, she is a Huffington Post contributor. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University.

4 Responses to “What To Say On A Date When Asked About Your Divorce”

  1. Christie

    I got divorced because he cheated and left me! Plain and simple 🙁 However, a year later I’m on the mend, working with others to help them, and at least drink some wine and giggle in the process. Working to find my inner badass after she was burried in BS!

    Come and play with me!

    Christie

    Reply
  2. Vaz

    This hasn’t come up with me yet but hopefully I’ll go on a date at some point. I have no idea how to answer this question, my husband just out of the blue left me (& not for another women although he did start dating via match as soon as he left). As far as I’m concerned we had a solid, comfortable relationship, I really think he was just fed up I guess we were a little boring but that’s just normal life as far as I’m concerned. I feel like he just wanted to leave and experience something new as he never put any effort into improving things he just left. So what do I say in response to this question, I would not want to appear pathetic ‘he just left me’ I guess I’ll just need to say we drifted apart, things weren’t the same but I find that problematic too as though I didn’t value my marriage and didn’t try to make it work…..I would have done anything to have stopped it all coming to an end. I’m only 30, we were together since we were 16 so that in itself makes it harder….most 30 year olds are just getting married and that was me 2 years ago. Divorce would never have been an option I would ever have taken.

    Reply
  3. Shana

    What is a good answer when you have come from trauma but you are in counseling getting healthy?

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I’m not really sure what you are asking, but I think every answer is different, and it depends on the person you are out with and how comfortable you feel sharing with each person. Some people feel safe, while others don’t. Right? Whatever your answer is, I am thinking of you and praying for you. I’m glad you are getting the help you need and getting healthy. You deserve that. xo

      Reply

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