Last night, my friend K stopped over for a quick dinner. K was married for 27 years and has been divorced for 5. No big surprise that what we thought was going to be a quick 30 minute sharing of a salad turned into two and a half hours of drinking wine, talking, and laughing till we had tears in our eyes, the way only two really close friends can do. We got into a conversation about life after divorce, and what we, as two divorced women, miss and don’t miss about being married. We both started rattling things off, so of course, the writer decided to whip out my computer and start a list, which turned into this blog post.
Here is the combination of what K and I miss and don’t miss about being married:
What we miss:
Falling asleep with my leg wrapped around his
Having someone to zip my dress for me
Knowing you’re with someone who made a serious commitment to you in front of God.
Have someone to bounce off a bad day with the kids.
Having a date for every function
Family nights
Being called “Mrs. So and So.”
Having a designated driver if I drank too much
Sending out a family Christmas card
Traveling as a couple
Knowing certain things about him that no one else knew
Making love with the father of my children
His friends and family (with the exception of his mother)
His sense of humor and all the little things that only we would laugh at
The smell of his cologne
His foot rubs
Our own language
Feeling really secure, safe and loved
HIM
What we don’t miss:
Picking up tons of dry cleaning
Cooking food I don’t like to eat
Having to have sex on-demand
Feeling like I did everything, including changing every poopie diaper and waking up for every middle of the night feeding
Cleaning up after him constantly
His mail all over the counter
Having to buy his mother a Christmas gift
Having to watch what he wants every night or feeling guilty about watching what I want to watch
Bickering and arguments that usually turned into silent treatments
Having to hide tears
Having to hide shoes and other purchases
Not feeling loved or appreciated
Falling into the toilet bowl in the dark because the seat was up
Frequent obligatory get-togethers with in-laws
Arguing about finances
Endless kitchen counter crumbs
Him tapping his razor on the sink every morning
Feeling inadequate, being criticized all the time
Not feeling really secure, safe and loved
HIM
What do you miss and not miss about being married?
Share
Doug, Chicago
Jackie: Those are two extraordinary lists … List One: The transcendent experience of trust, respect and acceptance … the giddy feeling of having a true partner, a co-conspirator and a loving ally who provides a safe-zone for you to be vulnerable away from the battles of the outside world; List Two: The heart-brake of feeling the safe-zone weaken, break-down and give-way to those outside battles. Divorce is a difficult experience but your lists demonstrate an inspired level of maturity and appreciation for both the good and the bad of marriage … an advanced degree from the school of life that was hard-earned but prepared you well for your current adventures. Thank you for sharing it!
Maria
Why does it still feel so weird and sad?
My ex was a terrible husband yet I still have plenty of pain over this
I feel so stupid because I wanted to leave yet here I am like a lost soul.
Caroline
I really can’t say how much your blog has helped me. I thought that thinking that I missed so many things meant I “shouldn’t have” left, so I never let myself just feel sad about it. Nice to know I’m kinda normal 🙂
Page
This coming summer I will have been divorced for 4 years……I think he got married again and in fact, married to one of his former residents….how cliché. I have had one b/f but I can’t trust anyone and as of late, I have been thinking I could live the rest of this life solo…..On one hand I want that relationship but base on experience, it’s like I desire something that really doesn’t exist. I have a lot of dogs….lol….
Bisha
For the first time I am really smiling thinking of my divorce. I got divorced 7 years back and still couldn’t get over it. In fact I am divorced more longer being married.
Joe
No wonder you are divorce.