Should this guy get back together with his ex-wife? Read what he has to say, followed by my advice and then you decide.
I am dealing with an issue that is causing me pain regarding my ex wife. We have remained friends (we have kids) and have had more than a few discussions about getting back together. But I’m struggling with her staggering amount of promiscuity. I am no saint by any means, but I have chosen to be selective with who I’ve slept with since my divorce. Meanwhile, she’s lived with two different men, openly told me about a third who she only dated because of how long he could last in bed and there are nights I try to call my kids and she’s out with some guy (not her boyfriend). I’m hurt emotionally on many levels, but the two biggest are the following: 1. If she wants to get back together, why is she acting like a catholic rabbit? 2. Why was she so unwilling to have sex in our marriage? It was one of the reasons we divorced. I’m in a tremendous amount of pain.
This guy sounds like he is really thinking things through and ready to give his marriage another try. I think that is commendable. The problem is, however, that based on this email, his ex-wife is no where near ready to do so.
If two people are considering getting back together, both should have no interest in sleeping with other people, dating, or even going out and partying with others. In order for it to actually happen and work out, people who want to get back together have to want it. Really badly. It has to be a priority. It has to be their number one priority. This ex-wife is not showing me that at all.
I also have concerns about her behavior. I’m not going to judge her for sleeping around and dating someone just for sex, but I will say again, that this is someone who clearly does not want to be in a committed relationship (or doesn’t have the capability.)
Also, I have an issue with her living with two different men. This has most likely affected their children. I can’t even imagine the confusion they are feeling, and the message she is sending them about love and relationships is horrific. And also, isn’t it hard for her ex to have respect for her?
The bottom line is, this woman has to grow up. By that I mean, she is acting in a very selfish way, not only to her ex-husband, (who sincerely wants to try to make their marriage work again) but to her kids.
To answer this guy’s questions, my answer to #1 (If she wants to get back together, why is she acting like a Catholic rabbit?) is, she doesn’t. Either she is stalling, or she can’t control her sexual habits. She is not in a healthy place that will foster a successful reconciliation. I think she could use some help, meaning therapy, and I think the kids need their father right now.
My answer to #2 (Why was she so unwilling to have sex in our marriage?) is, my guess is that there were emotional issues in the marriage that made her not want to be intimate. When married couples tell me they never have sex anymore, it is usually because there are other issues in the marriage that cause resentment, and when there is resentment, there is deep-seeded anger, and no one wants someone touching them if they are angry and resentful towards that person.
I’m not saying this guy did anything that was that bad to her. I have no idea what happened. But for some reason, there was resentment on her part, and the two probably either fought a lot or never talked about it.
I feel awful for this guy, who really seems to want to make things right for his family. But honestly, he is better off staying split up from his ex-wife. On the bright side, who’s to say he can’t meet a wonderful woman who like him wants monogamy and commitment? That would be a much healthier scenario, both for him and his kids. I wish him the best!
Like this post? Check out my blog, “Resentment: The Root of All Causes of Divorce.”