A couple things have happened to me lately in which people around me are stirring up drama. Let me explain, and then I’ll tell you why I think they are doing it, and why in your divorce, your ex might be doing it.
The first stirring up of drama has to do with our parking situation. So, we have three cars: mine, my boyfriend’s and my son’s. We have a 2-car garage. There are 4 parking spaces that are right across the street for people who have guests to use if they don’t want to park on the street. My son parks in one of those spots. There are ALWAYS spots available. I’ve never seen it full in all the time we’ve lived here.
So the other day, we get a nasty note from the association that he can’t park his car there, that it is only for “visitors.” So now, my son has to either park in the street (which I never like because of potential break-ins), or park behind one of our cars and we have to move cars around more than we want to. It’s not a big deal, it’s just an inconvenience. What bothered me so much was that someone decided after seeing the car there too often that he or she would stir up drama and rat us out. What I was wondering was, ‘Why?’
Does the person just feel like ‘it’s not fair?’ Is that person an avid rule follower? Or, perhaps the person is just angry and bitter, and wanted to do something to make someone’s life a little harder. Again, not that it’s impacting our lives so much, but I find the tattle tailing kind of icky, and I feel sorry for the person whose priorities include these small, insignificant acts for no other reason than to hurt someone else.
The other thing that happened this week was that I was walking around the track at my gym, and my mom called. She’s 86 and I had to talk louder than normal, simply because both of us are a little hard of hearing. LOL. By the way, I did have airpods in so I was the only one anyone could hear.
A couple minutes into the conversation, this woman who works at the gym comes to the track, flags me down and tells me that I am breaking the rules by being on the phone on the track. That it’s “distracting.” Keep in mind that the track surrounds basketball courts where people are shooting hoops and playing pickleball! So I would hardly call the area a “quiet” area.
No big deal that I had to call my mom back after I left, but again, the bothersome part was about the person who turned me in. That person felt the need to interrupt his or her run, jog or walk to walk to the front desk and complain about some lady who is on her phone. Again, why?
I think stirring up drama is all about unhappiness. It’s about the need to seek out negativity because as they say, “Misery loves company” and “hurt people hurt others.” I will admit, I was probably loud on the phone, but I was saying “Mom, I’m looking forward to spending Mother’s Day with you!” Is that such a bad noise that warrants getting the gym employee to reprimand me?
Stirring up drama is something that happens a lot in divorce. Here are some examples:
- You pretty much have a deal in place about your divorce but now, all of a sudden, your ex is backing out of it. He or she says they thought about it and just don’t feel comfortable with it. That could be because he/she just found out you are dating someone and you are happy. Or, they are realizing that after everything is signed, they will not be seeing or interacting with you and they aren’t ready to let go of that anger.
- Your ex decides not to pay child support this month. You are waiting for it and stressing out because you have to pay bills and your ex knows this. This is his or her plan.
- Your ex decides he or she wants to up the selling price of your home because it’s too low, even though the price was set by you two and your real estate agent. He/she is doing that because maybe they aren’t ready to part with the house.
- Your ex starts badmouthing you to the kids and trying to turn them against you. Actually, this is not just stirring up drama, it’s lying and it’s evil.
These are just a few examples. There are so many more ways ex’s stir up drama in the divorce. Here’s my two cents for why they do it: Your ex for whatever reason wants to hurt you. This could be his or her own unhappiness, it could be because they don’t know how to live without the drama, it could be about them changing their mind about the divorce and they don’t know how to deal with it, it could be because the person can’t stand seeing you happy, or many, many other reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with the drama stirrer. The drama is all stemming from pain and anger and resentment.
The problem is, stirring up drama and hence hurting you only makes the person feel worse!
I wonder how that guy who turned me in at the gym felt about himself after he did it. Do you think he felt really good about himself? Do you think he went on and had an amazing day? Probably not. His problems are still there, long after he ratted me out. How about the person who now sees the three of us moving cars every couple of mornings. If he or she is looking out the window and watching, do you think that person is saying, “I’m so glad I said something to the board.” I highly doubt it.
Just remember that stirring up drama can be a direct action to someone’s pain and suffering. It has nothing to do with you. When you understand that, I think it takes away your anger, which then turns to feeling sorry for your ex (which in my opinion is easier to deal with.)
Lastly, ask yourself if YOU might be stirring up drama. Hopefully you catch yourself and handle your pain in a more productive, better way that is going to make YOU feel better. Like seeing a divorce coach or a therapist, or taking small steps to change your life to make it more the way you want it to be. You have so much control over so many things in life and no control over others. Be wise enough to know the difference. That actually might be part of the serenity prayer, of which I am a huge fan.
Sometimes stirring up drama is necessary. Like if you see something that is truly hurting someone, or you truly don’t feel like your potential divorce agreement is fair. Everyone has the right to change his or her mind. But dig deep and ask yourself: is this stirring up drama for the purpose of sticking it to my ex? Or, do I need to bring this up because it’s truly important to me and my life? You know the answer.
Like this article? Check out “6 Things Every Divorced Woman Needs to Stop Doing”
