Is It Just Sex or Do You Love Him?

is it just sex

By Jackie Pilossoph, Founder, Divorced Girl Smiling, the place to find trusted, vetted divorce professionals, a podcast, website and mobile app.

There’s love and there’s great sex. Then there is love and great sex. Sometimes sex can cloud your judgement and you have to ask yourself, “Is it just sex or do I love this guy?”

So, is it just sex? Here are 5 signs that yes, it is just sex:

1. The wandering eye.

You’re out with your girlfriends and you’re looking around for eligible guys. “What about so and so?” your friend asks you, regarding the guy you are seeing. “What about him?” you respond, “We’re not married.” You flirt with other guys and you are open to dating other people, almost as if you think that will help you get out of the situation, when the truth probably is that you don’t know how to get out of it. You are acting single, even though you are sleeping with someone.

2. Not taking him to events.

Your BFF. is getting married. You don’t ask him to go with you to the wedding for two reasons: one, the bride’s gorgeous, wealthy and available cousin is flying in from New York and you want to be seated next to him, and two, you know the guy who is just sex will probably say no anyhow.


Alyssa Dineen -
Online Dating Coach and Stylist


3. You don’t date.

He doesn’t take you to the movies, he doesn’t take you out for dinner. Instead, he texts you an hour before he’s leaving work. The text says, “What u up to 2nite?” You drop all your plans, he comes over, you spend the entire night in bed, and the next day, you remember it as a date, when in reality, it was a hook up.

4. Family and kids.

He’s not interested in going to the community pool or miniature golfing with you and your kids. He has no interest in meeting your sister and you for lunch. His parents are in town and he doesn’t ask you to go out for dinner with them. Know why? Because he doesn’t want to take things any further than your Tempur-Pedic mattress. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy, but wake up! (no pun intended.)


Juli Walton, Divorce Therapist, North Shore Reach


5. You drink a lot with him.

Whenever he’s around, you drink. You drink wine, you drink beer. You’ve never actually hooked up with him sober. He has, but not you.



I’m not saying that it’s just sex is always a bad thing. In fact, I think there are times in life when this kind of a relationship works for a woman, like right after a divorce, or after the break -up of a long term relationship. The downside, in my opinion to sex-based hook-uppy relationships is that they play tricks on a woman’s self-esteem.

Sure, we can kid ourselves that we are using the guy just as much as he is using us, and we can tell ourselves and our girlfriends that sex is all we want, but haven’t we all believed since birth that our Prince Charming is out there and he’s going to love every part of us? That he’s going to take the time to get to know every inch? That he truly cares about us?

We want a guy to take us to a concert he knows we love, or who calls us in the middle of a work day just to say hi, or who comes over with chicken soup when we are ill. It’s just sex relationships don’t do that. Yes, they make our bodies feel amazing, and they make us feel sexy and beautiful, but it doesn’t last long because when we find ourselves alone on a Saturday night, or when he doesn’t text us for four days straight, it hurts, no matter if we want to admit it or not.

The most important thing is to know what you have. You will have fun if you are honest with yourself, and you are okay with accepting what the guy is willing to give. But be true to yourself. If you want more, have the guts to find it with someone who wants what you want, who wants a girl to cherish, and who wants more than just sex.

Here are five signs your relationship is more than just sex:

1. Money.

Both of you have made it clear to each other that if either of you went broke, the other would happily support the poor one until he or she got back on their feet.


Cherie Morris, J.D. - Divorce Coach and
Founder, Dear Divorce Coach


2. His eyes.

I truly believe you can see love in someone’s eyes. It’s actually very easy, in fact.

3. Best friends.

The two of you are truly best friends. You would do ANYTHING he needed and vice versa. When you have bad news, you call him first (or right after your sister.) When you have good news, you call him first (or definitely after your sister.)

4. Family.

You love him even more when he’s around your family. You can tell they love him.

5. Butterflies.

You still get shivers when he walks into the room and you truly want to rip his clothes off. Yet, at the same time, you want to get into your sweatpants, watch a movie and eat popcorn with him. He’s EVERYTHING to you.

Like this article? Check out, “There are No Buts in a Healthy Romantic Relationship”

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    Jackie Pilossoph

    Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

    Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at:

    5 Responses to “Is It Just Sex or Do You Love Him?”

    1. Graham Jackson

      Oh. You’ll know if it’s great love and great sex. You’ll just know!
      And if you lose it. Nothing, but nothing will be the same again.

    2. Nancy Kay

      I’ve learned to to slow down a bit in the beginning of dating someone new to find out how this guy handles challenges and communicates with me on an on-going basis. Does he put me first? Is he too competitive with me? Spend enough time with me? Handle anger and frustration with scaring me? Those are all essential things I need to know before signing up my heart for potential heartbreak later on.

    3. Michelle

      This was EXACTLY what I needed right now. I have been in a fwb relationship for 3 years but some changes in my life this past year have made me fall victim to my female genetics. I want more from him but I realize, especially after reading this, that I have been fooling myself and it isn’t going to happen. The sex is amazing and with my eyes wide open I will enjoy it for what it is while I otherwise figure out what it is I do want.
      Thank you!

    4. William Hughes

      What simp of a man would want to wife up another mans leftovers? That is the same as paying twenty thousand dollars to drive a car that someone has driven for nothing.


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