Children and Divorce: 7 Considerations

When it comes to children and divorce, it’s so important to put them first. It’s something you’ve probably heard so many times, but it really is true. It’s not easy, but with some patience, guidance, and love, yes love, it can be achieved.

I want to share 7 important considerations as you progress through your divorce process.

I’m a divorce mediator who is highly competent guiding you toward equitable financial agreements.  I have a CPA, a strong knowledge of marital assets, marital income, corporate benefits, small business valuations, spousal support and child support, but my passion is in helping you create a comprehensive parenting plan that results in the healthiest outcome for you and your children.   

I am divorced myself, and I have seen first-hand how children and families are impacted in a divorce.  This is my why I do what I do, so I can help you have the healthiest outcome for you and your children. 

Your children are your most valuable assets.  They are who you love most and who will bring you the most happiness throughout your life.  Considering how your children experience your divorce is one of the most important things you can do.  If you work with a divorce mediator like myself, you will have the opportunity to create your parenting plan together, in a supportive and amicable process, where you will create commitments toward a healthy co-parenting relationship that will greatly benefit your children. 

Here are 7 considerations when it comes to children and divorce. I have learned these things during my own divorce, and in helping hundreds of couples navigate their own divorces:

1. You Have Come To Terms With Your Divorce, Your Children Have Not. 

You and your spouse have had a long time to accept and understand that you are divorcing.  Your children, however, will soon be hearing about your divorce for the first time.  It is important to give your children time to understand, be upset, scared, grieve and understand.  They are likely months, if not years, behind where you are emotionally.  Give them time to go through their emotions, accept that they will be following the same long emotional journey that you experienced over the past months or years.  Don’t rush introducing a significant partner to them, they will not understand and they will likely feel anger at the parent who they believe is dating too soon.  If needed, give them professional support to help them with their emotions.  

2. You Are On Stage As The Parents You Want Your Children To Believe You Will Be. 

Every couple who is divorcing tells their children that they both love them and will still be their parents.  If your actions and interactions as parents before and after you inform your children about your divorce don’t line up with this statement, they will not believe you.  Take advantage of the time before informing your children to be communicative, supportive and respectful of your spouse before you inform your children of your divorce.  When informing your children, do it together with your spouse with a common message.  Support each other.  After you inform your children, act as the parents you want your children to have after your divorce.  Your children are smart and if they don’t see the healthy parenting behaviors you insist will be there after the divorce, they will not believe your words.  This in turn will create more anxiety for them, as well as create lack of trust in their parents.

3. They Do Not Want To Hurt Either Parent, So Don’t Put Them In The Middle.

No child wants to talk badly or hear anything negative about either parent.  If you put your children in the middle of conflict, you are asking them to take sides.  They don’t want to do that.  Don’t put them in the middle.  Adults should handle adult conversations, parents should continue to be healthy parents for their children.

4. Your Children’s Friends & Social Life Are Important To Them.

Staying in district allows your children to maintain their friendships and social life, a stability that is important to them during a divorce.  Respect their needs to retain these friendships by supporting them during your parenting time, even if that means they are not with you, but with their friends.  Prioritize their time with their friends.  You can host a gathering or party for their friends.  Understand they need their support system and will respect you more if you give them this room during your parenting time.

5. Follow Your Children’s Passions, Not Yours.  

Listen to your children, understand what drives them and support their passions.  They will cherish you more and you may find that their passions become your passions.  Parents sometimes mistakenly spend their parenting time doing what the parents enjoy.  Flip the script.  Support what your children enjoy.  This will build stronger relationships for you with your children, and will help them grow and pursue their own interests and value their time with you more.

6. Opposite Sex & Same Sex Parents Matter To Children.

Your children’s opposite sex parent will be the standard they use to measure future romantic partners.  Their same sex parent will be the man or woman they strive to be.  What does this mean?  You both are critical to your children’s development.  Build each other up to your children.  Highlight each other’s good traits.  Give your children things to respect, admire and strive to be.  If you instead complain about your spouse, you are lowering the bar for your children. 

7. Co-Parent, Don’t Parallel Parent.

The best thing you can give your children after divorce is the continuity of their belief that they have “parents” and not a “mom and dad” who don’t communicate.  Children benefit from having a parental unit working together for them.  Not doing so provides a gap between a child’s parents that sometimes allows the child to engage in unhealthy activities, hang out with the wrong friends, etc.  But when you are aligned and work together you have a better chance of guiding your children together toward a healthier path for them.  Share the highlights of your time with the children with their other parent, so they can engage in discussion with the children and show them that their parents are united.  Collaborate often and use them term “Let me ask dad (or mom)”, so your children know you are on the same page and working together for them.  

The bottom line is this…your children are also going through a change.  Be the best parent you can be to support them going through something that is very impactful to them.  Remember that this is YOUR divorce, it is not your children’s divorce, but they will take the journey with you.  It is your job as their parent to be the best parent for your children. 

I am a divorce mediator who is passionate about helping couples provide a healthier outcome for their children during and after divorce.  If you are considering divorce, I offer extended free consultations and I am happy to help you understand what an equitable financial outcome may look like.  More importantly, I will help you make commitments together to be the best co-parents you can be for your children.  This is more important than any financial decision you will make.  I am passionate about helping your family have the healthiest outcome possible.

You can learn more about me at michaelsmediation.com or you can call me directly at (224) 544-9990.  Working with a divorce mediator like myself can save you tens of thousands of dollars, more than a year in finalizing your divorce, and set you both up to have a healthier outcome for you and your children.

Like this article? Check out “How and When To Tell The Kids About the Divorce”