Marriage is one of life’s most rewarding partnerships, but even the strongest relationships can face challenges. As a divorce attorney , I’ve seen firsthand how certain patterns and mistakes can erode even the most loving marriages over time. The good news? Many of these pitfalls are preventable with awareness and effort.
If you want to strengthen your relationship or avoid common missteps, here are 10 characteristics of unhealthy relationships, and practical tips to keep your marriage healthy and resilient.
1. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
It’s natural to want to keep the peace, but sweeping problems under the rug only allows resentment to grow. Whether it’s finances, intimacy, or parenting, facing tough topics head-on with honesty and respect is essential. Open communication is the foundation of a strong marriage.
2. Blaming and Criticizing Each Other
When things go wrong, it’s easy to point fingers. However, constant blame and criticism can create defensiveness and distance. Instead, focus on your own feelings and needs using “I” statements, and work together to find solutions. Examples of these statements are: “I feel disrespected/unloved/lonely etc. when” (“I don’t hear from you for long periods of time;” “you take-out your phone when I am trying to discuss something with you;” “you prioritize gaming/golfing/spending time with your girlfriends over spending quality time together.”
3. Expecting Perfection or Trying to Change Your Spouse
No one is perfect. Expecting your partner to meet every expectation or hoping they’ll change fundamental traits leads to disappointment. Embrace each other’s imperfections and support personal growth, but don’t try to mold your spouse into someone they’re not.
4. Neglecting Emotional and Physical Intimacy
Life gets busy, but letting emotional or physical distance grow can turn partners into roommates. Make time for affection, shared activities, and meaningful conversation to keep your connection strong. Often, doing the little things that your spouse likes, increases emotional intimacy; maybe, it’s a quick shoulder rub, or hand holding; perhaps, it’s bringing fresh coffee to your spouse in bed. What little things make your partner feel appreciated and loved?
5. Poor Communication
Assuming your spouse can read your mind can cause misunderstandings. The same is true if you fail to actively listen to your spouse. Practice clear, honest dialogue, and listen to understand-not just to respond.
6. Not Setting Healthy Boundaries
It’s important to maintain healthy boundaries with friends, family, and even each other. Expecting your spouse to fulfill all your social and emotional needs can be overwhelming. Encourage individual interests and friendships outside the marriage.
7. Letting Work, Kids, or Other Priorities Take Over
While careers and children are important, consistently putting them ahead of your marriage can lead to disconnection. Prioritize your relationship by scheduling regular time together and checking in with each other. There will be inevitable scheduling conflicts. Make sure that your marriage is not always the lowest priority. Let your actions show that that you value your marriage.
8. Financial Mismanagement
Money issues are a leading cause of marital stress. Avoiding financial discussions or having mismatched financial goals can create tension. Be proactive about budgeting, saving, and setting shared financial priorities. Sometimes, couples will have a joint account, and have agreements concerning: who will deposit how much of each paycheck into that account; and, what the funds in that account will be used for (such as paying rent or mortgage expenses, utility bills, HOA fees, etc.) The spouses can, also, have individual accounts, and spend those funds as they desire. A willingness to work for solutions, rather than demean your spouse’s money management system, is much more productive (the latter is, actually, destructive).
9. Holding onto Past Grievances
Bringing up old arguments or refusing to forgive past mistakes prevents healing. Learn to let go, forgive, make amends (when necessary and practical), and focus on moving forward together.
10. Undermining Each Other
Disagreeing about important issues-especially parenting-in front of children or others can weaken trust and respect. Present a united front and discuss disagreements privately. This means figuratively biting your tongue until that private conversation can occur (and, remember what we discussed in Point 2, above).
Final Thoughts
Every marriage faces challenges, but being aware of these common mistakes can help you avoid unnecessary heartache. If you find yourself struggling, don’t hesitate to seek support-whether from a counselor, trusted advisor, or legal professional.
At Heiman Law Firm, we’re committed to supporting Texas families, whether you’re navigating difficulties, or simply want to strengthen your relationship. If you have questions about family law, or need guidance, contact us today.
