I’m a divorced mom, business owner, and writer who upon turning sixty, decided to celebrate my milestone birthday in Italy with the man I love. I actually can’t take credit. It was his idea and birthday gift to me; a one-week trip to Positano, Sorrento, and Capri–the most absolutely gorgeous parts of the world I’ve ever seen. Here are my thoughts on sixty, Italy and love.
Let me back up and start with 40. Turning 40 was a big deal for me. With two toddlers and a marriage I knew wasn’t going to last much longer, I felt tired, weary almost. I didn’t feel like celebrating. Turning 50 was actually wonderful. I didn’t see what the big deal was because I didn’t feel old, at all. Physically, I felt great, unless you count the hip replacement I was in desperate need of, but even that wasn’t a huge deal. I was also struggling a bit financially and felt frustrated by my lack of professional success. But despite all that, the blessings were abundant: two healthy children, and the fact that six months earlier, I had begun dating the love of my life (who is still the love of my life). Those things far outweighed any negative thoughts one might have about turning the big 5-0.
I have to say that my fifties were probably my best, most enjoyable, and most successful years of my life so far. Despite some health setbacks, an ex-husband who truly gave me a run for my money, and the life mistakes we all make, what made the decade so amazing was having the privilege of raising my kids, building a successful, meaningful business, and being in the kind of love I didn’t even know existed.
As I began to edge up to 60, I started to feel a bit nervous, almost fearful, in a way. People would say “It’s just a number.” They would say, “You are only as old as you feel.” I do think those things are true, and that feeling good is so much more important that looking good. But let’s be honest, looking good is important!
There’s a lot of things that start getting taken away from you in the looks department. Let’s start with wrinkles and lines and eye bags and dark circles that become more prominent. Then there’s hair thinning. What?! That’s something I never even knew was a thing. And then of course, there are body changes. Jeans that used to fit are now in a pile in the back of my closet and every year I go up a dress size. That’s been hard for me. It feels frustrating and disappointing to eat super healthy and work out every day for months and see zero changes in your body. I truly want to feel grateful for my health and for all that I have, and that makes me feel guilty feeling angry about my new physical appearance.
I do believe that feeling good is more important than looks. Feeling good is the key to being able to live and enjoy a happy life. I cannot count the number of friends I have who have health issues and cancer and surgeries, myself included. People say, “Everyone’s going to get something,” and sadly, it’s true. But as I’ve gotten older and more mature, I think I’ve learned to handle these kinds of things with courage and grace. I can remember after my second hip surgery, walking around the block using a walker and having my ex-husband’s much younger second wife (now ex-wife) driving by and seeing me. At the time, I felt humiliated and angry, but as I got stronger and better, I found gratitude and even thought it was funny. It’s not easy to do, but try to be appreciative for what you have, and not focus on what is wrong with your body. Because, when it comes to your physique, I bet there’s a lot more working than not working.
My advice to anyone is that it’s never too late to start taking care of your body to try to have the best quality of life you can. It starts with small changes in eating and in moving your body, not just for the purpose of looking better, but more importantly feeling better. Additionally, cognitive exercise is very, very important in maintaining healthy brain function. Your brain is a muscle that needs to work out just like weight-lifting works out your arms and legs and cardio works your heart. Exercising your brain means reading and writing and doing Soduku and crossword puzzles. It means finding passion in work or a hobby or having a mission in which you feel like you’re making a difference. It means staying social and doing interesting things and of course, it means traveling.
Italy
Let me start with the absolutely stunning and charming town of Positano. It’s angelic. It’s calming. The locals there are happy, carefree, and I want to say simple, but I don’t want that to sound condescending because I mean it as a compliment. Also, they are all gorgeous. I honestly didn’t see on person who wasn’t attractive. To me, they felt like people of faith and gratitude, who were all about love and family. I think anyone born there is blessed.
As far as ambiance, to be able to sit on an outdoor patio overlooking the mountains and the sea and drinking wine and eating pasta and bread and fresh basil and gelato for every meal was beyond enjoyable. To walk into little shops selling clothing, knick-knacks, ceramics, and other pieces of the town’s culture was both interesting and endearing. To walk on cobblestone sidewalks holding hands with someone you love so much, while the bright sun shines on your faces was heartwarming. It’s the epitome of feeling joy and gratitude.
Onto Sorrento, where two main themes emerged pretty quickly: tomatoes and family. We did a cooking class at a villa owned by a local third generation family. The two grand-daughters of the founder were our cooking instructors, who showed us how to make cucumber and tomato salad, gnocchi, cheese-stuffed meatballs, and tiramisu. Then there was the son-in-law of the founder, an adorable 82 year-old man who made wine in their vineyard. He gave us a wine tasting and told us lots of stories. I would recommend anyone going to Italy not leave without doing a cooking class.
The bomb for me was the island of Capri. This was absolutely stunning. We took a day trip there on a ferry and spent the afternoon shopping at high-end boutiques and having lunch at a remote hotel on a rooftop that overlooked the mountains and the sea. I cannot even express the breathtaking beauty I experienced that day. Shopping bags in hand, standing on the ferry on the way back to Sorrento, I vowed that I will come back and stay in Capri longer.
Turning 60: The actual day
It was the night before my actual birthday. Typical of our trip, we had dinner reservations and needed to get dressed up. For some reason, that day, I wasn’t happy about what I was seeing in the mirror as I got ready. (Yes, I had eaten pasta every night for 5 nights so far, which could have had something to do with my larger-than-usual stomach) but it was more than that. I was surrounded by young, beautiful people wearing outfits that showed their stomachs and they were all perfect. I would realize later that it wasn’t their stomachs that were upsetting me. It was their youth, and all the time and energy they had left.
I also have to mention that this trip, despite how in love with it I was, was by far THE WORST hair trip of my life. Imagine your hair in Florida and multiply it by ten. I kid you not, my hair was a huge frizzball the entire trip. The solution: next time I go there, I will be bringing a wig. You think I’m kidding but I’m not.
So, between my hair and my stomach, I was suddenly in a terrible mood. I felt angry and frustrated and I didn’t want to be old. In fact, I didn’t want to turn 60 the next day. Fuck that! As I sat at the dinner table, tears welled in my eyes and I began to cry.
“I hate that I’m 60,” I said to John, who was probably sitting there wondering why he decided to travel to Italy with a psycho. But after I let myself feel the pain–the fear and sadness of realizing that most of my life is over, gratitude showed up and started taking it’s place. I think the waiter who brought us wine and a fennel olive dip helped.
I started thinking that I don’t have any unresolved regrets. I am in very good health and have a life I love. My frizzy hair is who I am. That’s what God gave me. He has given me a magical, wonderful life and it’s not even over. If the frizzy hair comes with it, that’s part of the deal. From that moment on, I embraced it all: age, fat and frizz! (I’m not saying I’m fat, just fatter than I used to be.)
Love
This is the part of the trip that means everything. To be blessed to be able to spend a week in an idyllic place with someone you care for and adore and enjoy being with so deeply is a true gift.
Love at 60 has never been better. Yes, romantic love, but I’m also talking about love of children, family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers. Older people love more deeply. I know that for myself, I appreciate relationships more. I am more thoughtful and caring. I’m not too busy to go out of my way to help someone if I know it will make a difference. In fact, I look for ways to make someone else’s day even the slightest bit better, if I can.
I’m more patient. I’m more open-minded. I’m more respectful and understanding. I’m less judgmental. I like myself more. I like who I am, the way I live my life, the decisions I make. I set boundaries when I need to because I respect myself. I also realize the very very important need to understand that you can’t control other people.
On my birthday, I got countless texts, emails and Facebook messages from friends, acquaintances, business colleagues, and of course, family. It meant the world to me. The funny thing is, they were doing what I said that I do in the paragraphs above: they were going out of their way to make someone feel special. If everyone engaged in these kinds of thoughtful acts more, the world just keep getting better and better.
Divorce
I got divorced 18 years ago, and it was so traumatic and painful for me, to the point that I made a career out of it. I hear from so many older people who are carrying around a lot of pain and who have such a hard time letting go of anger, resentment, sadness and the past.
The narrative of Divorced Girl Smiling is that I went from a brokenhearted divorced mom of two toddlers to someone who found the courage and strength to reinvent myself at an older age, to raise my two beautiful children, to thrive in business, and to fall deeply in love.
While that is a true story, I’m not going to lie and say that the pain of divorce is gone. It is with me like the little scar I have a quarter of an inch from my left eye, from when I had an accident at age 3 and almost lost my eye. The scar is barely visible, but sometimes – not very often, when I look in the mirror 57 years later, I still notice it. The same holds true for my divorce. That scar—the one that still feels wronged and heartbroken by the way I was treated in marriage, in divorce, and after, will completely go away.
That doesn’t mean I cry about the divorce still, or that I feel anger for my ex or that it defines me. It’s just a little bit of pain that will always remain in my heart. And who knows? Maybe I choose to keep that tiny reminder for the purpose of highlighting the blessed life and love I have now. Scars are badges of honor, courage and grace. No one ever got through life without a scar, did they?
Loneliness
I’m not sure there are many things in life that are as painful and empty as the feelings of loneliness and being alone. Those feelings happen more often when people get older, either because a spouse passes away, or they are divorced and alone, or they’ve never been married. But being alone isn’t always a bad thing, and it’s certainly not a punishment. If you choose to look at being alone in a positive way, and realize that it’s only temporary, it can be an opportunity.
The best way to not feel lonely is to surround yourself with love. What I mean by that is set aside romantic love and think about how to feel loved by others (which in my opinion equates to feeling less lonely.)
That might mean getting a dog, which for me was one of the best life decisions I ever made. It might mean rekindling old friendships. For example, a couple years ago I reached out to my college roommate who I had not spoken to in 35 years. We now keep in touch and we got together when she was in town. It means the world to me! It might mean making amends with a friend or family member. It might mean turning to God and faith more. It might mean saying yes to more social events and meeting new people or getting into a new community through a sport or hobby. It might mean traveling. Or, it might mean learning how to enjoy and feel secure in spending time alone.
My birthday wish to you
Since it’s my birthday, I get to make a wish and here it is: I wish that the world would become less lonely, and that every person appreciates life, no matter how hard it punches you in the gut, at times. I wish that you find the strength to handle the adversity and the pain. I wish you all the courage you can muster, and that you utilize the grace you have in your core. Courage and grace are how you win back the privilege of staying happy and healthy, and of celebrating many more birthdays to come.
Here I come, Sixty!
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