When clients walk into my office for the first time, one of the most common emotions I see is anger. Divorce, by its very nature, is emotionally charged: there’s betrayal, resentment, disappointment, and fear about the future. While it’s a natural and valid response, anger in divorce can also be one of the most destructive forces in a case.
The Role of Anger in Divorce
The outcome of a divorce depends on many factors: the judge, your attorney, the law, and the relationship between you and your ex. But time and again, I’ve seen anger play a pivotal role in whether someone walks away with a fair and constructive settlement—or ends up with a worse outcome than they might have otherwise achieved.
When anger dominates the process, it can:
- Prevent rational decision-making.
- Lead to unnecessary litigation, which increases costs.
- Push clients to reject good settlement offers.
- Create lasting emotional damage for children and families.
I’ve represented clients who, because of unresolved anger, refused to settle even when a favorable agreement was on the table. In the end, the judge imposed a statutory ruling that left them worse off than if they had accepted the settlement. Later, many regretted letting anger drive their decisions.
The “Narcissist” Label
Another theme I hear often—probably from 90% of new clients—is: “My ex is a narcissist.” While narcissism is real, the label is often overused in divorce. In many cases, what’s really happening is that both spouses are hurt, angry, and acting in self-protective ways that can appear self-centered.
That doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid—it just means that reducing your spouse to a label may prevent you from addressing the real issues at hand. It’s more productive to focus on specific behaviors that affect your children, finances, or future, rather than getting stuck on a word that fuels anger but doesn’t move the process forward.
Anger in Mediation
Clients often ask: “Can mediation work if we’re both angry?” The answer is yes—with structure and support. As a certified mediator, I often separate spouses into different rooms (or virtual breakout rooms on Zoom). This allows each party to express concerns without escalating conflict.
Validating emotions—acknowledging the hurt without letting it dictate the outcome—can open the door to compromise. Mediation is often less costly and less damaging than litigation, but it requires a willingness to manage anger enough to engage productively.
Triggers for Anger in Divorce
Some of the most common sources of divorce anger include:
- A new significant other appearing too soon.
- Financial disputes and hidden money issues.
- Addictions (alcohol, drugs, pornography).
- Parenting disagreements, especially involving children and new partners.
These are real and painful issues, but allowing them to dominate your decisions can derail your long-term interests.
How to Begin Letting Go
Clients often ask: “How do I stop being angry?” The truth is, there’s no magic solution. But there are strategies that help:
- Therapy: Speaking with a professional can provide clarity and release.
- Physical outlets: Exercise, boxing, yoga, or running can reduce stress.
- Time: With distance, anger often softens.
- Reframing: Focus on love—for your children, yourself, and your future—rather than resentment toward your ex.
Remember: you have every right to be angry. But at some point, if you want a better outcome and a healthier future, you need to begin shifting your focus from anger to healing.
A Positive Example
I recently represented a woman who was extremely angry and emotional at the start of her case. Initially, she was unwilling to consider settlement. But with time, patience, and guidance, she learned to put her emotions in perspective and think about the long-term picture.
The result? We secured her a very favorable settlement—one that will serve her and her children well for years to come. By choosing not to let anger control her decisions, she created stability and opportunity for her family.
Final Thoughts
Divorce is one of life’s most difficult transitions, and anger is part of the journey. But unmanaged anger can cost you dearly—financially, legally, and emotionally. As your attorney, my role is not only to protect your rights, but also to help you navigate the process with clarity so that your decisions reflect your long-term best interests.
If you are facing divorce, remember: anger is natural, but it should never be the driver of your case. With the right support and guidance, you can move forward toward a future that is calmer, healthier, and more secure.
