Think about the most valuable asset you have. If you’re getting divorced, you will probably own half of it. Divorce is a scary time, especially when it comes to your assets. Stock portfolios, annuities, 401Ks, pension plans, cryptocurrency, a second home, airline miles, art and other collectibles are some examples. Then there’s your house. I know you can’t split a house in half, but it’s possible that you will be selling it and taking away half of its value when the divorce is final. Or, you stay in the home, but you are still paying for half of it by giving up something else.
Moving on to the kids, your most important asset. You could consider your kids an asset in the respect that you might have to split your time seeing them, which is heartbreaking, especially at first. The love you have for them is undoubtedly more valuable than anything money can buy. Ironically, if you think about it, you could put your kids in the liabilities category because they are so darn expensive! Yet still, they are the most precious asset we have.
Getting divorced forces people to take a close look at their assets. This could mean valuations of the assets-what are they really worth? Or, appreciation of them. Maybe you are appreciating something a lot more than you used to. Perhaps you are insecure these days about losing something—even something that deep down inside you didn’t even want. For me it was the grandfather clock my ex always adored, the same clock that I had to hand wind every few days. It was chore I did begrudgingly because with a baby and a toddler, who the hell has time for that?!
Your most valuable asset
But there’s one asset in divorce that is perhaps your greatest gift, and I bet you don’t even realize it. TIME. Without time, you have nothing. You can forget about the Mercedes you’re trying to get in the divorce or the fact that you were awarded a ten-thousand-dollar necklace, or even that you’re not sure you’ll ever get over the combination heartbreak and fury you feel for your ex. Nothing matters without time.
People write to me and tell me they are getting divorced and that they have no idea what they’re supposed to do in life now. They say they have no identity. They also ask, “What man is going to want me now?” to which I have to laugh because these women are in their forties and fifties! I’d gladly give my ten-thousand-dollar necklace (if I had one) to be in my forties or fifties!!
What these women don’t realize is their greatest asset: THEY HAVE TIME. Until you are dead, you have time. You have time to reinvent yourself in a new career. You have time to have fun. You have time to spend with your kids. You have time find your passion. And yes, you have time to meet the love of your life.
If you are 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 or even older, if you are still waking up in the morning and walking to the toilet to pee, you have TIME.
I wish so much that I’d had this mindset when I was younger. I wasted so much time worrying about so many things that turned out not to matter at all. At 41 when I was getting divorced, I felt old and lost and unattractive. People! I was 41! I was still so young and I have to say, I looked pretty good. But I didn’t have the confidence and wisdom to see beyond feeling sorry for myself. I didn’t have the ability to recognize what I was capable of and what I deserved. It took me years to realize that gratitude for time changes everything.
Even those who aren’t in the best of health have time. Listen, the clock is ticking for all of us when it comes to how long we will be here, but that’s not because we’re older. The clock starts ticking the day you are born and only God knows how long you’ll be here.
You can spend your TIME reliving your marriage, remembering the fighting or the cheating or the betrayal or the bad behavior. You can spend your time worrying that you’re too old to date or go back to school or start a business. You can spend your time being jealous of others, looking at their lives and feeling bitter that you got screwed because your husband left you or you married the wrong person.
On the flipside, you can spend your TIME waking up every morning and saying, “Today is a gift. How am I going to use it?”
I’m not saying every day you’re going to wake up feeling like Cinderella (post the glass slipper fitting and marrying the prince) singing and having birds land on your hand. Life is hard, especially during divorce. It’s painful and stressful and there’s so much fear involved and guilt and regret. But if you view time as the gift it truly is, then you can’t help but feel an obligation to spend some of your day feeling gratitude, having some fun, laughing, noticing the beauty in nature, doing something meaningful, and loving the people who are most important to you. Remember, you are allowed to feel both sadness and joy the same day, or even in the same moment.
Assets are usually replaceable. You can lose money and then make it back. You can be wealthy at one point and then find out you have to go back to work. You can have less money and realize you’re just as happy. There are new cars and different homes, and what I think people learn as they get older is that most assets don’t matter as much as they thought they would, and that the only thing that truly matters is quality of life and being happy.
I can’t count the number of divorced women who tell me they would have a lot more money had they stayed married but don’t regret getting divorced even the slightest bit. Why? Because they have TIME. They have time to live their lives to the fullest with peace and acceptance and grace and passion and love.
The best advice I can give a newly separated person who doesn’t know how to be happy again: start looking at your watch because TIME is going by and you are cheating yourself every day you spend in the past, and every day you spend worrying about the future. As long as you have TIME, you have opportunity and hope and potential. Assets can’t buy any of those feelings. Assets can buy temporary happiness at best.
I’ve actually lost count of the number of wealthy women I’ve met who say they would give up all their money to find love. Loneliness is a struggle. It’s heartbreaking. It feels isolating and empty. Expensive jewelry, lavish trips, and designer clothing and handbags can’t help fill that hole. What can? TIME. Lean on your friend, time. Use your time to do new things, meet new people, engage in random acts of kindness that make your life feel meaningful, and pray. Faith plays a huge part in happiness and fulfillment.
In closing, the most valuable asset you have in divorce and beyond is time. Without it, nothing else matters. Time is your friend. You might not think that way when it comes to the aging process or to the grieving process in divorce. The pain sometimes feels like it’s never going to end. But time wants you to take advantage of it. Time wants you to pick yourself up and take advantage of this asset that isn’t going to last forever. The bottom line is, you deserve to be happy. Don’t wait another minute.
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