Remember when you were a kid and you’d be out somewhere and you were excited and playful, and your mom would say “sit still?” Well, her advice might be more useful to you now than ever, especially if you are going through a divorce. Let me explain.
The other day, I was sitting at my computer running my business (like I always do) and a string of not-so-great emails left me feeling negative and anxious.
I tried to soothe my pain by talking to my spouse about it, and as wonderful and smart as he is, it didn’t really help much. It’s like trying to talk about your divorce with your married friends. You know they care, but they just don’t understand.
My next move was genius. I decided to call one of my mentors; a man I trust so much, who I knew I could confide in, and who would have good advice for me. He, as always, made time for me and I told him about the three situations that were bothering me. His response was what prompted me to write this article.
Sit Still
My friend and mentor, who happens to be a person of faith quoted the bible.
“In sitting still and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and confidence shall be your strength.”
Even if you have never read the bible and rarely step foot into a church or a synagogue, you are going to love this scripture, what it means, and how I interpreted it.
Let me back up and say that like me, we all have those days. You feel like you are working so hard, and doing everything you are supposed to be doing, and you get these roadblocks and obstacles that can feel frustrating, disappointing, and maddening. You might encounter people who make you feel like they want to make your life miserable, or take you down.
Yes, I’m talking about your ex. When he agreed to something in mediation and now he changed his mind, or when you realize he took a large sum of money out of your joint bank account, or when his family just stops talking to you, or when you get a call from your attorney that he filed a motion for sole custody. When you are doing everything you are supposed to in the divorce and he doesn’t seem to be playing by the rules. Or, even when you are seeing a therapist and a divorce coach, and things seem good, until you find yourself in your bed crying uncontrollably because you still can’t believe you are getting divorced. I could go on and on.
Divorce, and life, in general is always going to bring us good things and adversity. It’s inevitable. But here’s the difference between the two. Most people (and this is not a criticism) don’t dwell on the happy things. We don’t stop and think every time something good happens. We don’t spend a lot of time thinking about the fact that we have healthy children or food on the table, or the fact that we know deep down our future is going to be better after the divorce. Dwelling on those things is called gratitude, which is a huge buzz word and the thing that countless thought leaders tell us to practice for the purpose of achieving calmness and happiness.
Instead, we dwell on our problems. Your ex has a new girlfriend already. You’re afraid to even look at your attorney’s fees this month. You have put four resumes out there and no one has responded. You absolutely hate the dating apps. You can’t meet anyone. All your friends are happily married and you ended up divorced. Sound familiar?
Here is what my friend and mentor meant when he quoted the scripture.
When you sit still (sit in stillness), you are achieving the following benefits:
1. Presence.
Living in the past is toxic and depressing. Living in the future is stressful and can cause fear of the unknown. The only thing that creates peace and calmness is living in the present. Focusing on what’s happening right now. What do you need? How are you feeling? What are you enjoying RIGHT NOW? It could be a delicious cup of coffee, or in my case, all the good emails I received that day: a divorced woman thanking me and telling me how much I helped her or a confirmation email from the salon where I was going the next day to get my hair done. Why didn’t those emails get as much attention as the ones that made me uncomfortable?
2. The realization that you can’t control anyone or anything, only you.
In my first job out of college, my boss said something to me that I will never forget: You can only control how hard you work, and how ethically you work. The rest is completely out of your control so there’s no reason to even worry about it. The same applies to anything in life, including divorce and of course, your ex. Let him be the one to try to cheat you out of money. Let him be the one who treats you badly in front of the kids. Let him be the one who feels like the two of you are at war. That mindset that you can’t control other people and /or situations is sitting in stillness.
3. Inner peace.
Inner peace comes from knowing you did (or are doing) everything you can to achieve happiness. Inner peace comes from self-love and presenting yourself to the world in a way that you are proud of, and that gives back. Everything else is useless noise.
4. Strength through confidence.
If you sit in stillness, you are proving to yourself that you are confident in your actions. That confidence then provides strength. Let the other people have their chaos and their drama. You, in stillness, possess grace.
5. Security through God.
I recently sat next to a pastor on a flight. We talked the whole time, and it might possibly have been the most enjoyable flight I have ever had. The pastor said that if a person accepts God into their life, and trusts in God, that his or her sins are forgiven, and that the person experiences a fundamental mindset shift in which they gain acceptance, better relationships, a deeper sense of love for themselves and for others, and a more meaningful life purpose.
Pray for those people
When I asked my mentor/friend about the people who had wronged me, who had disrespected me, and who were trying to hurt me, his response was “pray for those people.” He told me to release my anger and resentment, and instead pray for their spiritual wellbeing, for their ability to experience truth, and for them to turn to God.
Next time something bad happens, sit still. That’s all you have to do.
Anything that is upsetting or that angers or hurts you and causes you to feel panicked or upset, instead of taking action immediately or working yourself up into a rage of anger or tears or hopelessness, just sit still. In other words, you don’t have to do anything. Don’t get me wrong, you still have the right to feel the feelings, but the alternative to acting on them or having them put you in a bad place is to just sit in stillness and relish in the benefits of what that means.
Have the confidence to know that you can calm yourself down, that you don’t have control of what just happened, but you do have control over how this person (or this problem) is going to affect you, and how you are going to handle it. Combined with God’s presence, you might not realize it, but it’s all going to work out just fine.
Like this article? Check out “The Biggest, Most Important Asset You Have in Your Divorce”
