Get comfortable being uncomfortable. That is one of the most valuable nuggets I’ve heard, and one that gave me the courage and inspired me to love myself and get out of a toxic marriage. Here is my story.
I was so excited to be in my first real committed relationship at the age of 23. I’ve always been a very focused individual. I knew at a young age, that I was meant to have a big business of some kind and I was on a finite timeline, which…. technically we all are. But I had a lot to accomplish in a short, hopefully 90+ year span. I knew after college I would find a woman, who would be the love of my life, I would get married and have my two kids by the time I was 25. Everything was planned out. Until it wasn’t.
While I did land a great job making great money, and I did buy my first house at 21, the rest of the dynamics changed when I realized a wife was not in my future but a husband definitely was. In pursuit of my timeline and after a few short-lived relationships, I met the man that seemed like a proper choice. Even though the red flags showed themselves early, I was committed to sticking to my timeline and giving this a good shot.
He ‘loved’ me like my parents loved me, which was conditional. I didn’t know the difference at the time because it’s what I was used to. In order to receive love, you have to prove yourself. You have to go the extra step. As my dad used to say, “don’t tell me you love me, show me,” which was odd advice to a 6-year-old. But my motto became, ‘I’ll show you how much I’m worth being loved’.
I moved into his small condo to ‘save money’, which is what I was telling myself was the reason to cohabitate. Shortly after, we started looking at homes and discussed buying one together. At that time, I owned two insurance agencies, one of which was struggling a bit as I was making some drastic changes in staffing and buying a home financially would be challenging for me.
After finding a great realtor who showed us a fixer-upper single-family home in an up-and-coming neighborhood in Miami, we had a discussion around purchasing it. I shared that I was tight financially because of the work I was doing on my second agency and he said, “I’m either buying this with you or without you”. What I heard him say in my head was – “if you don’t buy this with me, I will buy it without you and our relationship is done”. They call that a red flag. Given I wanted him to still love and want me, I made the financial sacrifices with my business and somehow saved the money we needed to buy the home.
Growing up, I was always taught, everyone’s paycheck goes into the family pot, which is used to pay the bills, food and clothing. At the age of 14, I started working at a drycleaner and that helped pay for things that I needed which was helpful given that our family was having some financial restraints at the time. My mom’s mentality was what she earned stayed in her account and dad was responsible for everything. I remember a huge fight my parents had one night when dad needed to pay the IRS over $10,000 and he knew my mother had the money saved. She refused to give him the funds and instead, went and had a facelift. So, my lessons on money were definitely warped.
Not wanting to repeat my parent’s mistakes, when our new home needed renovations, I expected we would both chip in and figure out the finances together. However, my business was still struggling and when I wanted to wait on the renovations, he took out a ledger and started writing the amounts that he put in for the renovations and the amounts I put in. To me, that was very demeaning. Whether I put in more money or he did, to me, it was a 50/50%.
There would be times in our near future where I would make more then he does and of course, I would pay more of the bills. His process of noting who owed what felt wrong and emasculating but it also made me work harder and forced me to take money out of my business to make sure I was being responsible at home. Turns out, none of that mattered because as time went on, he was always questioning my love and commitment to him.
Then came the jealousy. He thought I was cheating on him with my best friend at the time, which was a complete fallacy. So, he immediately called the realtor and insisted we list the house. After the house sold, he realized I wasn’t cheating and we purchased our second, less expensive townhome. However, the jealousy continued. As my business began to flourish, he wanted more things, a bigger house, more art, nicer furniture, etc. If I truly loved him, I would buy him these things, which I did. We sold the townhome and bought a much larger home in a well-established neighborhood called Miami Shores.
He was incredibly talented as a designer painter. Managing a paint store allowed him to learn about the newest design trends and finishes. He taught himself how to replicate wood graining using paints, he became an expert at venetian stucco applications, faux finishes and wallpaper hanging. He was so good at it; the paint store he managed hired him to train other painters. Yet, he would always come home exhausted and hated his job. I would always try to convince him to open his own paint company knowing he would have a large client following given his reputation and talent but he would throw it back at me that I wasn’t making enough to support both of us and he would never be able to quit his job.
Filled with guilt of not ‘making enough’ I worked even harder and expanded my agencies, eventually owning four of them and working seven-days a week. Every day I would come home and he would be lying on the couch complaining. That went on for years until one day I said to him, “you’ve always managed to figure out how to pay your bills and the mortgage. Using me as an excuse for your misery won’t work anymore. If you want to open your own business, you’ll figure out how to make your half of the mortgage payment.” The next day he quit his job and opened up his business. Being the supportive spouse, I was all in and covered the bills until he could financially afford his half. On weekends he would have training seminars in our house and I was there, cleaning out the paint buckets, catering to his customers, being his assistant and whatever grunt work needed to be done.
His business began to flourish and he was soon making a six-figure salary. It was at that time, he decided he didn’t need me anymore and wanted to explore this new life of financial freedom on his own. He wanted to split up. I, of course relinquished and we sold the house once again. I was devastated. But I also believe that without discomfort, there’s never any personal growth.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable!
Newly single and ready for a change, I ended up selling my insurance agencies, which had now become very successful and dipped my toes into the real estate business. It was a scary venture being in a new industry with no residual income. It was also a fresh start. Within my first year, I was the top rooky and could now afford to buy my own home, a cute 1920’s with fantastic energy. My new transition was going well and about six months into my single life, I met a really nice guy and began to explore a healthy relationship until my ex called and asked me to go to dinner with him.
At our meal, he explained that he was diagnosed with prostate cancer and needed surgery. He was terrified and needed me back to help him on this journey. The ‘fixer’ inside of me dropped everything, including the healthy relationship and delved right back into the toxicity. There I was going to every doctor’s appointment, taking notes, asking questions, nursing him through the surgery. Through the radiation treatments, I was there by his side, catering to his every needs. The more I catered the more he needed, it was endless. Even as he fully recovered, he realized how to manipulate me further. He convinced me to sell my home and buy us a bigger home, while he rented his out. But in order for him to move-in, I needed to add him to the deed, which I did.
Here I am, a successful entrepreneur. I’m able to take failing businesses and build them back to success. I developed a successful career in real estate, mentor new agents and coach others to success and I my personal life is completely toxic.
Our relationship continued to decline. He started using Xanax, then cocaine and eventually alcohol. He manipulated our conversations to make me feel I was always wrong. If I said the sky was blue, he would insist it was red, you get the point. I had friends look me in the eye and tell me to ‘drop his ass’. And then one day, everything changed. I remember it like it was yesterday. It was 9:30am, I was finishing my breakfast and heading to an appointment. He was at the sink and was arguing about something. As I exited my front door a voice in my head very loudly said, “today is the day” and I immediately responded, “I know”.
When I got into my car the appointment called and canceled. I got out of the car, went back into the house, he was still standing by the sink and I said, “I’m done, like really done. When I come home tonight, we will discuss selling the home and ending this relationship.” I came home that evening with no emotion but I had a game plan. He was to move to the other side of the home and the house would be listed the next day. There was no longer a question in my head that I was done.
I would love to tell you it ended well but it didn’t. Attorneys got involved and with every offer we received, his attorney would reject it until there was nothing left. In fact, I had to owe the other realtor his commission in order to close on the transaction. $500,000 down the toilet. But what I walked away with was my freedom and my dignity, something money can’t buy.
I started from scratch, in a tiny apartment, during the worse recession this country has every had and a real estate market that was nearly dead. But within 5-years, a ton of therapy, lots of journaling, goal setting, a great business coach and perseverance, I was able to really focus on what I wanted in my new relationship, how I wanted to be loved unconditionally and my reticular activator was set into motion. I finally decided to get comfortable being uncomfortable. I also co-founded the NASDF, (National Association for Single and Divorced Families) a project that gives my life meaning, as I aim to help single and divorced families financially and emotionally.
Five years later, I found my soulmate and now husband of 15-years who loves me unconditionally. The mistakes of my past, the lessons I’ve learned and the choices I now make have created the lifestyle I now live. I also found a great business partner and together, we’ve launched a national association that helps people transition out of bad relationships, create a stronger foundation for themselves and their families and we help provide opportunities for a new life. It’s never an easy process but then again, major shifts in our lives never are.
Get comfortable being uncomfortable. Without being uncomfortable you can’t create significant changes in your life.
