Kids often have a lot of trouble coping with their parents’ divorce. This is partially because of the changes they have to deal with, but it can also be because of their troubled thoughts and worries related to the divorce. Here are some thoughts on divorce, kids and what they’re worried about. Knowing what they are thinking might help you help them cope.
Here are some of the most common things kids worry about for which they may need your help:
My parents are going to make me choose a favorite
Some kids think that they will have to choose a favorite parent. This isn’t ever an appropriate situation for a child, so it’s important to make it clear that both you and your ex are here for them, love them unconditionally, and that nothing is going to change in respect to them loving both of you. Something that is really helpful is, if possible, try to both be available for your kids’ important events, such as a soccer game or a school holiday party. It’s important for your child to see you together–in the same place and for the purpose of seeing them.
My parents don’t get along
Kids, by nature, get anxious during conflict. It scares them. It can make them feel insecure. It can make them feel sad. Your child might be worried that you and your ex will continue to fight constantly, either at pick ups or drop-offs, or at the child’s events. Instead of arguing in front of the kids and possibly ruining an important day for them, try to take the time to have difficult discussions in private. Coparenting coaching can be very effective in these situations.
The divorce is all my fault
Kids have a tendency to make things all about them. Because of that mindset, they might feel as if they are the cause of the divorce. Try to make sure that you make it clear that the divorce was based on adult matters and not on anything the kids did. You don’t have to go into specifics, and try to use age-appropriate concepts and words to give them a general idea of why you divorced. Even noting that you and mommy or daddy didn’t get along may make sense to a child.
If I’m good, maybe my parents will get back together
Kids, regardless of their ages, oftentimes hold onto hope that their parents will reconcile, and they often believe they have control over that. In other words, if they behave better, Mom and Dad might decide to get back together. It’s important to let your kids know that you and your ex are not getting back together, and that it has nothing to do with their behavior.
Divorce is never easy for kids, and it might be hard to imagine, but kids do very well in divorce if parents keep the lines of communication open with them, and if the couple minimizes conflict in front of them. When it comes divorce, kids benefit from addressing the kids’ worries together–as their parents. It shows the kids you are united, on the same team, and that you are putting their interests first. With strong coparenting skills, kids have such a better chance to grow up secure, healthy, and happy.
