In my day-to-day life, I deal with people going through a divorce, who are perhaps at their lowest point in life. I feel their shock, sadness, hopelessness, fear, and stress. The worst possible things I could do when talking to these women are: judge them, not listen to them, not validate them, and the worst one, make them feel worse than before they talked to me! Right?! So, I want to tell you what happened to me, and what I learned about the pain someone can cause by having a lack of compassion.
I needed to have a consultation with a physician about some medical issues I’m having as a woman about to turn 60. I think you can guess what I’m talking about: Menopause. I asked some friends for a referral and one of my friends gave me the name of a doctor in my town. My friend went to her for similar issues and the doctor’s office is literally 4 minutes from my house Perfect, right?
During the time I set up the appointment to the time I went to see this doctor, I read the BEST book called, “The New Menopause” by Dr. Mary Claire Haver, two- time NY Times best-selling author, Board Certified OB/Gyn, medical nutritionist, and a menopause specialist (obviously.) The book was recommended by two friends, both who said it changed their lives.
So, coming off this book, I was so excited to hear what the doctor had to say. Try to remember, talking about menopause and your body and the physical symptoms that are happening to you can feel uncomfortable and embarrassing. But if you are seeing a physician, you have to be honest, transparent, and really vulnerable if you want to get the help you need. It’s kind of the same if you are divorcing woman seeing a therapist or divorce coach. You have to tell the whole story and really put your vulnerability on the table if you want to get the true benefit of the professional’s services.
Lack of compassion crushed me and brought me to tears
From the minute this doctor walked into the office, I felt uncomfortable, rushed, and like I was just another North Shore unhappy, wealthy woman looking for some kind of pill to make her life better. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not a North Shore unhappy, wealthy woman.
Her first and only open-ended question was, “Why are you here?”
I answered her question and then told her I just finished Dr. Mary Claire Haver’s book on menopause and she replied, “Let’s just say Mary Claire and I don’t see eye to eye on anything.” ‘Oh, does she know the celebrity doctor?’ I wondered. I’m sorry I didn’t ask. I highly doubt it. Also, why didn’t she offer any type of explanation as to why they are so different?
She then started asking me questions that required one-word answers. After about 10 of these questions, I elaborated on one of the questions and she cut me off by saying “This is going to go a lot smoother if you just answer the questions.” That was the first punch in the stomach.
Throughout the 5-6 minute visit, she had this mean smirk on her face and told me people come in here with a lot worse symptoms than what I was describing.
By the way, I am a cancer survivor who also has two hip replacements and a plate in my wrist. I have had a lot of shit happen to me medically, so I wasn’t going to let this woman tell me my symptoms don’t matter. Fuck her.
So I said, “Look, I am very appreciative that I am in good health. I don’t take that for granted.” (Like I even had to say that?!) But I found myself defending myself as to why I deserved to have a better quality of life!
She then explained some of my old test results that were concerning to me, and basically told me that things looked “fine” and that there was no need to do anything until the disease progresses and then I can go on medication to manage the symptoms. What?! Why not take action to slow down the progression?!
I then explained (again) that I am anti-pharmaceutical and more of a holistic supplement person-like Dr. Mary Claire Haver and also like my sister, who is a functional medicine physician. And that’s when she dropped the bomb.
“The way I practice medicine is different than what you need, so I don’t think you and I are a good fit.”
Yeah, no shit. Your personality with your lack of compassion, your inability to listen, your decision to judge me in the first 60 seconds of the appointment, and your willingness to practice medicine in the laziest way possible doesn’t sound like a good fit for me either.
What could she have said that showed even the slightest bit of compassion?
“I’m sorry you are having these symptoms, and I hear you, but I don’t think I’m the right fit for you. It sounds like you are looking for a functional medicine physician. I wish you all the best in getting help from someone who is a better fit for you.” That’s it. That would have been enough for me to not even write this article.
The point of this story is, no one should have to justify that they want a better life, and that includes why they are getting divorced. I have heard a lot of divorce stories where people said “I’m just not happy.” That would make anyone judge because a person might be thinking ‘Was it that bad? If there was no physical abuse, couldn’t you just work it out?’
No one knows what “I’m just not happy really means” except for the person who said it. And if this person said this to a therapist or a divorce coach who had a complete lack of compassion like Dr. Bitch did, she would be crushed. She would doubt herself, hate herself, and feel afraid to show any vulnerability again to a professional. Those thoughts are infuriating to me.
So, if you have an encounter like I did with any professional-whether it’s a divorce professional—therapist, divorce attorney, divorce coach, a physician, a financial person, anyone at all, and you feel a lack of compassion, or like they aren’t listening to you, or that they are judging you, get out of their office immediately and find someone new.
I will tell you, no professional is perfect, but I believe that every Divorced Girl Smiling trusted professional has compassion. That is among my top criteria in our vetting process.
Divorcing men and women are vulnerable. They are scared. They are broken. And I can’t think of anything sadder than if a professional beats them down even further. That’s how I felt at my doctor’s appointment; beaten down. But only for a couple of hours. Then I dried my tears and scheduled an appointment with someone else because I care about myself and I deserve to feel better. That’s the attitude I hope everyone going through a divorce has.
One other thing this experience taught me was to appreciate the people in our lives who do have and show compassion. Every one of my doctors, even those who aren’t into holistic medicine and who might have a different healthcare philosophy than I do, has shown compassion, and has been kind to me and done his or her best to show they care.
I think there are a lot more people on this earth like them than those who lack compassion. Thank God. It’s up to us to surround ourselves with people-not limited to professionals, who are healthy for our emotional wellbeing, who make us feel like they have our backs during tough times, and who make our lives better. You owe that to yourself.
Like this article? Check out “There are Men with No Money and There are Men with No Money!”
