50/50 custody

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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

When I was going through my divorce 11 years ago, I had the feeling that most divorced couples were still doing the traditional custody arrangement, where Mom has the kids during the week, and Dad gets them one night a week and every other weekend. Especially in the case where Mom was a stay-at-home mom. I have a feeling that 50/50 custody splits started to become more common a few years after I got divorced.

 

These days  I hear about 50/50 custody arrangements all the time, and I have to be honest, I have mixed feelings about it. I think every divorce case is unique, and that different custody arrangements work for different couples depending on a few factors that include:

1. How much each parent works outside the home, the location of their job and what they do.
2. How much custody each parent wants and feels like they can handle.
3. The age of the kids.
4. The relationships of the kids with each parent.
5. The circumstances of the divorce.
6. Where each parent lives.
7. The personalities of each kid and under which custody arrangement they will thrive the most.

 

In other words, there are no right or wrong answers when it comes to custody arrangements. 50/50 custody can be great or awful, and the traditional every other weekend custody arrangement can be great or awful. That’s why choosing the right plan, FOR THE RIGHT REASONS is so crucial.

 

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Here are the right reasons for choosing a custody arrangement:

 

1. What’s best for the kids.
2. What the parents really want and think they can handle.
3. What the kids want.

 

Here are the wrong reasons for choosing a certain arrangement:

 

1. Child support will be less if I have the kids more. (or child support will be more if I have the kids more)
2. Anger/wanting to hurt the spouse by taking the kids.
3. Jealously of a new relationship/not wanting the kids to be around the new spouse.
4. Not wanting the kids to be around the new spouse (for legitimate reasons).
5. Feeling guilty because you feel like you should see your kids more than every other weekend.
6. Caring what others will think if you don’t have your kids 50/50.
7. Being scared to have the kids too much or not enough.
8. Because your family or friend or attorney suggests a custody arrangement they think is right for you.

 

Vestor

 

Here is an email I recently received from a reader struggling with this situation:

 

My soon-to-be-ex & I have two boys ages 14 & 10.  We are 8-months into our separation. We met with a mediator two weeks ago, agreed to parenting time, child support, etc. and now – only weeks away from signing on the dotted line – he changes his mind about our parenting time agreement, which of course alters the child support plan to his benefit.  After months of anticipating having my boys during the school week & every other weekend (about an 80/20 split), my STBE decided he wasn’t ok with that, and wanted 50/50 custody time – the whole “5 you, 5 me, 2 you, 2 me” fiasco that I 100% disagree with.  I think mid-week kid-swapping is a roadblock to their school success. What are the positives and negatives of 50/50 custody versus a traditional arrangement? And-how in the hell do you make the tears and guilt stop?! I keep thinking,  “I’d rather be back in my loveless marriage and faking it than living in this personal hell!!!   It’s too late for that, but I still think about it. 

 

My thoughts on this situation are as follows. I think mediation is a great way to get divorced, but no one should settle for something they don’t feel comfortable with just to get the divorce over with. Trust me, I’ve been here.

 

If this woman doesn’t feel good about the 50/50 custody, she needs to let her attorney know, and maybe even try talking with her ex husband. She should definitely not give into it. Maybe she could ask her husband if the reason is for the reduced child support. “Just be completely honest,” she could say. She could offer to let him pay less child support even though she has 80/20. That is an option if she can handle it financially.

 

To put myself in the husband’s shoes, maybe it isn’t about the money. Maybe he is panicking, because who wouldn’t panic if they were only going to see their kids all of a sudden once every other weekend?? I get it! So I understand both sides of this.

 

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I’m not a huge fan of kids going back and forth every week to each of their parent’s houses. It has never sat well with me, but maybe I’m old school. That said, if the situation is right, and if both parents really want it and can handle it, 50/50 custody can probably work. And, to address her school concern, if both parents are willing to co-parent (meaning communicate frequently with each other about structure and rules with the kids and being on the same page) then I don’t see a problem. In other words, if the TV is off at Mom’s house every day after school until 7pm, then it needs to be that way at Dad’s. If Dad requires an hour of reading every night before bed, Mom needs to do that, too.

 

Lastly, let me address this: “I’d rather be back in my loveless marriage and faking it than living in this personal hell!!!   It’s too late for that, but I still think about it.”

 

No!!!!!!!!! Please don’t panic. Your gut told you divorce was right. You would not have gone through with it if you didn’t know deep down it was the right decision. Don’t let the stress of the divorce process cloud your judgment. You will agree on divorce terms at some point and you will sign a decree, and then life will start to get better and better. But I will stress again, do not agree to a custody agreement you don’t feel comfortable to. I don’t like to promote litigation, but if it has to come to that to do what you feel is best for your children, then that’s what it will be.

 

In closing, whatever custody arrangement a couple chooses to go with—50/50 or a more traditional arrangement, remember that it can always be modified—nothing is set in stone forever. That means, you can go back to court at any time to modify child custody arrangements. Also, as kids get older and things change, the custody schedule you put in place usually gets thrown into a drawer because what ends up happening is, the kids get older and they have their own plans, so they don’t really care or want to stay with either of you! Who they are staying with becomes about their plans and schedules and what they’ve got going on and what is the most convenient for everyone. In other words, I have found that custody arrangements are much less rigid as time goes by.

But for now, both parents should be completely honest about what they really want and need when it comes to parenting time. And lastly, parenting time is precious, so whatever time you do spend, make the most of it!

Like this post? Check out, “The Vindictive Ex: When Hate Comes Before The Children”

 

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

3 Responses to “50/50 Custody Versus Traditional Every Other Weekend Parenting Time”

  1. Zoe

    Actually, barring major dysfunction in the relationships, 50/50 or close to it is shown to be better for the kids. The “old school” approach where the mom gets primary custody and dad is only available every other weekend is not good for anyone – kids benefit from seeing both of their parents as much as possible. As a mother who shares 50/50 with my ex, I agree that it’s hard to be away from my kids – but I know having that time with their dad is essential. My fiancé also had 50/50 joint custody with his ex and multiple friends do as well. It’s a good trend.

    Reply
  2. Katie

    I’m in the final stages of divorce myself. My Ex and I have been physically separated for over 2 years. When we first separated, the kids primarily lived with me at my house, but their dad was around daily to care for them before and after school. The arrangement worked for about a year, but in all reality, I was a single parent with kids living in my house every single night. It was too much. This past year we have created our own non-traditional working arrangement that our kids (13 and 11) feel very comfortable with. They stay with their dad on Monday, Tuesday and Friday each week and with me the rest. I travel for work frequently so they just stay with dad when I travel. He works the occasional Friday night and I take the kids no questions asked when his work is involved. We each help with school car pools when the kids stay at the others’ house and will ride together to ball games and parent teach conferences. In the end, our kids’ number 1 concern when we were discussing divorce was that they wouldn’t see one of us for a week at a time. They get to see us each daily, which is truly the best thing for our kids. I wouldn’t change it for a moment, no matter how hard it was to get to this place or how hard it can be to see my ex daily. 80/20 is not something either of us ever considered. Our kids need us both in their lives equally.

    Reply
  3. Byron

    Certainly a topic that brings out the worst in parents. Let’s go back to a central consideration: “What’s best for the child(ren)?” Physical or emotional abuse is bad for children. A dysfunctional or unstable home situation is bad for children. Obviously, an infant would be a special circumstance. Barring the presence of any of those, why do we hold onto the notion that “every-other-weekend-parenting” is somehow the best for the children? Here’s why: Money, Control, and/or Revenge. All very selfish, but inherently adult, motives.

    My childrens’ mother fought hard for sole custody. It took a court-appointed advocate to highlight that she was not so much more superior as a parent, or I so much inferior, that the best interests of our children were served by spending most of their time with her – in fact recommending not only shared custody, but 50/50 shared custody. Her motives became clear midway through the divorce: An affair out-of-state (which failed before the divorce was final), and money (she spent more time jockeying for a larger payout than she did for custody).

    We switch on Fridays after school. I think it works pretty well, and the kids seem to transition much more smoothly than their friends who switch on Mondays or other days during the week. She hates it because it’s 50/50, but I find it far easier to give up a day here or there when she has family in town than I was during the separation when I let myself be talked into her having sole custody and I only had four days a month with the kids to begin with and wasn’t going to give any of them up. She won’t say so to me, but I’ve heard from mutual friends that she kind of likes having every other week off. Good for her. Being on equal footing regarding the kids, I think we’re more respectful of each other as well, and THAT is good for them.

    We’ll be in for a challenge should my job move me or she find a relationship that moves her. While I would never voluntarily sacrifice time with our children for a job, should that be a decision I were forced into, I would find it morally reprehensible that a my situation or decision could put into play a custody change where her time as a parent would be curtailed. If you change your circumstances, you shouldn’t expect the other parent to pay for it.

    50/50 isn’t for everyone, but I think it IS good for the kids more often than it isn’t, minus abuse or dysfunction. If you’re capable of viewing children as little people and not as possessions, I would even recommend it.

    Reply

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