Coparenting with someone who hurt you—emotionally, mentally, or even physically—is one of the most difficult challenges that can arise from divorce. It requires strength, restraint, and a deep commitment to your children’s well-being, even when your own heart is still healing.
As a partner at the nation’s largest family law firm, I’ve worked with countless parents who find themselves in this exact position. They feel betrayed, angry, or even afraid—but they still want to do what’s best for their kids. And the truth is: it’s possible. Co-parenting with someone who hurt you is hard, but it can be done with the right mindset, support, and boundaries.
Here are 6 tips to coparenting with someone who hurt you:
1. Shift Your Focus to the Children
Your former partner may no longer be someone you trust or even like—but they are still your child’s parent. Co-parenting isn’t about reconciling or forgiving; it’s about creating stability for your children. The more you can separate your personal pain from your parenting responsibilities, the more effectively you can protect your child’s emotional health.
Ask yourself: What do my children need from me right now? The answer is usually peace, consistency, and the freedom to love both parents without guilt.
2. Set Clear Boundaries
You are no longer in a romantic or marital relationship—and that changes everything. Establish clear, consistent boundaries for communication and interaction. Use written communication (email, text, or co-parenting apps) when possible to avoid emotional escalation. Stick to parenting topics only: schedules, school, health, activities.
Boundaries aren’t about punishment. They’re about self-preservation and ensuring that parenting remains the focus—not past wounds.
3. Use a Business-Like Mindset
I often advise clients to treat co-parenting like a business relationship. Be polite, direct, and emotionally neutral. If your co-parent was a difficult colleague, how would you communicate? Likely: respectfully, concisely, and with clear documentation. Apply the same approach here.
This mindset creates emotional distance, which is essential when past harm clouds present interactions.
4. Create a Detailed Parenting Plan
The more structured your parenting agreement, the less room there is for conflict. A comprehensive parenting plan should include specifics about time-sharing, decision-making, communication methods, transportation, holidays, and more.
Don’t leave anything vague. Clarity reduces tension and provides a roadmap that both parties are legally obligated to follow.
5. Don’t Be Afraid to Use Support Systems
You don’t have to do this alone. A skilled family law attorney can help you put the right legal protections in place. A therapist or divorce coach can help you work through the emotional pain so you don’t carry it into every parenting exchange.
When necessary, using a parenting coordinator or mediator. The legal system can also enforce boundaries where needed.
6. Remember: Healing Takes Time
You are allowed to be hurt. You are allowed to be angry. But don’t let that pain become the lens through which you parent. Your children deserve the healthiest version of you, and that healing will take time. Give yourself grace—but stay committed to showing up for your kids.
Final Thoughts
Co-parenting with someone who hurt you may feel impossible—but it isn’t. With the right legal guidance, emotional support, and firm boundaries, you can build a system that protects your peace and your children’s well-being.
Like this article? Check out “Your Guide to Child Support in Illinois”
