While divorce falsely tries to make you feel that you are alone on a deserted island, you’re not. Many women have walked this path and you are about to benefit from some their hard-earned wisdom in the hopes that maybe you can learn from the painful missteps that divorced mothers have taken, so you can avoid them yourself.
I’ve worked with many mothers across many stages of divorce. And while the process can come in myriad shapes, sizes and emotions — each as unique as your own fingerprint — there are distinct commonalties that women navigating divorce with children share.
And in doing so, I’ve recognized themes, similar pitfalls and commonalities. Intuitive women share distinct qualities and desires — and dreams for their children and their future chapters.
In an effort to make you feel less isolated in your divorce (whether you are contemplating one or in the throes), here are 20 Regrets of Divorced Mothers:
Consider this the ‘ol hindsight is 20/20 wisdom, the info these divorced mothers wish they hadn’t learned the hard way — the list that can propel you to transform your divorce NOW while you are embarking upon this new journey or are in the midst of it.
Consider it to be sage advice from women who have walked in your shoes, stood where you stand, felt what you feel. You aren’t alone, mama.
So here it is…
20 Regrets of Divorced Mothers
1. I wish I had trusted myself more and known how to listen to my own intuition (taken fewer polls, not lost my voice, listened to my gut)
2. I wish I had known how to get my kids through this better (what to say / when to say it and what not to say and do)
3. I wish I had kept my kids out of the conflict (protected them, not used them as a sounding board or as a pawn against my ex or solicited them to my side)
4. I wish I had not taken the bait from my ex (and left this dysfunctional dance — no one knows your trigger points more than your spouse)
5. I wish I recognized what was mine to fix, change and control in the marriage and what wasn’t (that also includes soothing the person I’m leaving…no longer my job)
6. I wish I hadn’t allowed myself to be bullied, manipulated, gaslit or coerced by my ex (realizing that the unknown was not scarier than the known)
7. I wish I hadn’t wasted so much time, energy and money (drained my lifeforce and my bank account)
8. I wish I would’ve allowed myself to suffer less and be happier (seized more present moments — yes, even in the midst of divorce!)
9. I wish I had seen the opportunity to reframe my life sooner (understood that healing came with revealing old patterns and learning new ways)
10. I wish I would’ve taken control of the process (leaned into my own authority, become the CEO, played a more proactive role)
11. I wish I had known how to establish and enforce healthy boundaries (protected myself and my kids)
12. I wish I would’ve asked for help from a coach sooner to guide me (it would’ve mitigated the overwhelm, second-guessing and beating myself up)
13. I wish I had known how to soothe my nervous system when triggered (interrupted the spiral down and known how to recalibrate)
14. I wish I had recognized that my needs matter and I am worthy of so much more (that I hadn’t sacrificed myself to the extent I had)
15. I wish I hadn’t neglected my selfcare and wellbeing (recognized the condition I’m in impacts my decision-making and outcomes)
16. I wish I hadn’t worried so much (lost so much time riddled with anxiety, sleepless nights and fear)
17. I wish I believed in myself (trusted my resiliency and capability sooner)
18. I wish I had modeled a healthier relationship for my kids (demonstrated what love and conflict resolution can look like)
19. I wish I would’ve trusted that this wouldn’t destroy my kids’ lives (if I was OK, my kids would be OK)
20. I wish I would’ve gotten out of the marriage sooner (divorced faster, fought less, moved into this new life chapter sooner)
I bet you can relate to some of these, maybe all of them. If they trigger you that’s great news! It’s all valuable intel that can be used to help you formulate your plan today. And tomorrow. And the next day.
You don’t have to have all the answers, just the desire to divorce differently — to want to shift the experience and outcomes — to break old patterns, heal and allow yourself to become all that you dreamed.
These divorced women lived these stories. They spent too much, gave too much, fought too long and paid a price. But they also got to the other side of their divorces and learned so much about themselves in the process.
They showed up and leaned in. They declared that there was no way they were going backwards ever again. Many of them had previous failed attempts at leaving…but not this time.
This time, they crossed the finish line. They breathed. They no longer shoved their needs to the bottom of the laundry basket. They no longer denied the truth of what they saw, felt, knew. They freed themselves. They came alive. They continued to grow into beautiful new versions of themselves.
And you know who came alive alongside them? Their kids.
This is what they wanted to model for their children. This is how they wanted to remember themselves in this difficult chapter. This is how you divorce differently.
No one says it’s easy. It may be messy and it may feel hard, but it is harder to pretend, people please and continue to shove yourself into places you no longer fit. Just ask a butterfly.
Is it time to spread your wings, mama?
