“I Do” ing It Again

 

                A couple of years ago, my friend “Lexie” met this guy named “Pete” who was recently divorced with a couple of young kids. They went out on about three dates, and Lexie decided it wasn’t right, so she ended it. “Nice guy,” she said, “He just wasn’t for me.”

 

 

A couple months later (I’m not kidding about this) she gets a text from Pete saying that he is engaged. I’m pretty sure he had been divorced less than 6 months, separated from his ex-wife under a year.

 

 

Let me explain that I am by no means judging Pete. There is no bigger romantic than me, and I love, love, love the idea of marriage. When it’s the right time.  That said, I’m constantly amazed by how many divorced or recently divorced people not only rush into serious relationships, but they rush into marriage, and then, they always have these really short engagements, and they get married weeks after their engagement, like they just want to do it already. I don’t get it.

 

 

Slow down, people! What’s the rush? I’ve read so many divorce books that say it takes YEARS to heal from a divorce. I’m talking 5 years (in my opinion.) So, why would you want to get married to someone else before you’ve fully dealt with what happened to you?  There are still times that I think about my failed marriage and come to new revelations about what happened, how I might have been at fault, what I could have done better. And my marriage ended almost 6 years ago!

 

 

Again, I’m not judging anyone for wanting to get married again, because I know that feeling of being so in love at the beginning of a relationship that you can barely breathe, and all you want to do is spend time with the person. Having kids and different schedules and living in different houses makes getting together challenging. I know that from personal experience. There have been stretches of times when I haven’t seen my boyfriend for two weeks, because our schedules didn’t allow for it. So, trust me, those are the times I say to myself, ‘Maybe marriage is a good idea.’

 

 

But, if you really sit down and think about it, you better be pretty darn sure this is “the one” AGAIN because the last thing anyone wants is another divorce. And sadly enough, the divorce rate of second marriages is significantly higher than first marriages.

 

 

The thing is, everyone wants to end up “happily ever after” and I completely get that. I do, too! But does happily ever after really mean another wedding?

 

 

Let me continue with the Pete story. So, about three months after he told my friend he was engaged, she began getting texts from him late at night, some of the texts at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. The texts would read, “Hey, Lex, miss you!” or “Just drove by your house and was thinking of you.” Lexie actually thought maybe he broke off the engagement, but then found out from someone that he was married. That’s when she knew he wasn’t happy. I mean, really. You’re married and you’re texting old girlfriends? How happy can you be?

 

 

Fast forward to two years later, which was last week. Lexie gets a text from Pete that he is single again. Big surprise there. Sorry, not trying to be a biatch. But, the truth of the matter is, Pete’s marriage ended because Pete had no business getting married. He barely knew the girl, he has two young kids who are undoubtedly still trying to cope with their parents divorce, and he himself needs to heal from the first divorce, still.

 

 

There is a book called Crazy Time, which is sort of the Bible for newly divorced people. In the book, (which I believe was written in the 80’s) it says that often times, people get remarried and then get divorced again, and that is when they start really healing from the first divorce. I believe that. You can’t heal if your mind is clouded by a new relationship.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong. I was never one of those people to tell newly divorced people they shouldn’t date. They should! When I was getting divorced, I hated when people would say to me, “You need some time alone. You don’t want to date anyone right now. Just be by yourself and figure things out.”

 

 

I felt like saying, “How do YOU know what I want? (since you are married and have never gone through this,)” and “Why should I be by myself? Am I being punished for getting divorced, so I’m restricted from dating?”

 

 

When people are getting divorced they are feeling lonely and isolated and afraid, and in my opinion, they should date as much as they want. Big difference between dating and committing AGAIN to spending the rest of your life with someone.

 

 

I feel sorry for Pete, but I feel even worse for his kids. The silver lining is, Pete and the girl didn’t have any kids together. Talk about complicating things even more!

 

 

I might sound really judgmental in this blog, and if that’s the case, I apologize because I do realize that every situation is different. I’m just stating that in the majority of cases, if done too soon, getting married a second time ends up being a mistake. ANOTHER mistake, which any divorced person can tell you is not something he or she wants to make.

 

 

I wish people (both divorced and people who are engaged for the first time) would really take the time to sit down and think about what they are really doing by getting married. Are the things he does that bug you going to get better? NO WAY. Marry him and they will intensify big time. Are you okay with that? If so, great! But be honest with yourself.

 

 

I would imagine there are doubts in a second marriage, no matter what. You already made one mistake, so to feel nervous is normal. But overwhelming doubt shouldn’t be ignored. Again, be honest with yourself.

 

 

In closing,I will say this. There is no better feeling in the world than being in love, and feeling like FINALLY, after living your whole life well into your 40’s or 50’s, you’ve found the one. But is it necessary to rush into a marriage? If he or she is “the one,” than you’ve already lived happily ever after, whether you have a ring on your finger or not.

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

46 Responses to ““I Do” ing It Again”

  1. C. Wilder

    Wow that was very good. I am divorced 5 years and remarried a year ago……my new husband and I have some challenges…that are not easy…..we have had a rocky year yet we keep dating and trying on a daily basis…nothing is perfect. He and I are so alike and we overly analyze each other…

    Reply
  2. Fandango

    A relative (a guy) is getting married soon, after having been divorced a mere five months! The ink was barely dry on his divorce decree from his first wife of 7 years, and he met some woman on line halfway across the country from where he currently lives; she has two young kids. He barely knows this woman and yet he is going ahead and taking another plunge, probably without really thinking anything through. I predict disaster. There is more to the story and each little bit sounds iffier and iffier, and frankly, I agree that jumping into a second marriage before you have had time to sort out the first one, is a huge mistake. Again, I predict disaster on the horizon for this relative. Hope I’m wrong, but I just have a feeling this one is headed for disaster – like the first, wherein he took the plunge after knowing the woman a very short amount of time.

    Reply
  3. J

    My divorce has only been final 7 months. Just the other day, my ex husband tells me he’s moving in with his girlfriend of barely 4 months. And to boot, he said they could be engaged in 3-4 months. I’m baffled how he’s moved on so fast after being so devastated by the divorce. We. Have 2 young daughters together and I fear for the negative impact all this could have on them.

    Reply
  4. A

    my husband of 15 years and I separated just 6 months ago. For 4 of those months we discussed reconcilliation. Suddenly he met this woman and they are “serious” and planning a wedding after just a few months of dating. My children already call her children their step-siblings. Their relationship is very public on Facebook and other social media websites. He has already taken my children for weekend get aways with her, sharing the same condo. Our divorce petition wasn’t even filed until 2 weeks ago. She reached out to be my “friend” on Pinterest and I respectfully declined. Now I am being accused of being high conflict and narcissistic because I requested that she not text my son, post pictures of my children on her facebook page and that her 13 year old son not be allowed to share a bed with my 8 year old daughter. I have no idea how to process any of this. My husband and I can no longer communicate without me being accused of being hateful to her and jealous. 17 years together meant nothing apparently. I mean nothing as the mother of my 3 children.

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  5. kez

    I was married 5 years together for 12. My ex husband not only walked out on me and my two young kids aged 5 months & 2 years siting neglect because I ignored him whilst he let me bring up our kids alone but then moved his divorce lawyer into the matrimonial home 2 months after our absolute was granted! I’m sure there’s a conflict of interest there. So they were having an affair whilst we were getting divorced and that sickens me.

    Reply
  6. Anon

    My friend got divorced three weeks ago- her and her husband has been ‘separated’ but living in the same house for the last 6 weeks or so of their marriage, after several breakups and reconciliations. Divorce law is complicated here, but essentially the divorce was handled from start to finish in one day, and neither can legally get remarried for 3 months. A week before the divorce was put through, she was texting a guy she had just met- last week they moved in together, and today he announces on facebook that they are engaged. This is honestly the scariest thing to witness, as my friend no longer confides in me or any other friend, and is literally inseparable from her fiance. Immediately after her divorce, she stayed with me for a week, but her new man appeared to move in too, without asking if it was ok- when asked if perhaps he (or they) could stay at his house one or even a few nights a week, she moved out without saying goodbye, and our friendship has been minimal ever since.
    I don’t know how to offer her support for her divorce or even her new relationship- she refuses to listen to advice (even about pregnancy/ using protection), generally replies “whatever happens happens”, and lies to me and our mutual friends about details of the relationship, telling us all different information mere hours apart. Any advice would be much appreciated- I want to keep my best friend regardless of how this pans out.

    Reply
  7. Rogue

    It’s so sad how similar our stories are. After a marriage of 9 years ended with two kids my ex had made a stipulation not to introduce or kids to any romantic partners unless we’d been in our relationship for at least 6 months. He meets this girl (presumably on pof 2weeks before our divorce is finalized) introduces our kids 2 weeks later, moves her in 2 months later, now they’re engaged and haven’t even known each other but 4-5 months. It makes me sick. I can’t dislike her- although he keeps us from speaking-probably scared his lies to her will become revealed. Either way, she’s a our like me so it leaves me wondering why he would cheat just to go back to the same routine. He blatantly disagrees that his actions are affecting our kids and refuses counselling. Her goes another step further trying to tell me he’s going to take my kids from me. I just wish he would die some sick twisted poetic and karmic way. If only there was some divine intervention…

    Reply
  8. Kim

    It is amazing how common this is. It truly baffles my brain. My ex-husband and I were together for 12 years, married for 7 because he waited 5 years to propose which I was ok with because we were only in our late 20’s. We had been divorced a mere 6 months when he proposed to someone else. They were married a year after our divorce. ONE YEAR! Now almost 4 years later I still find myself healing and reflecting. I am in a relationship, but still can’t fathom taking on another marriage. There is NO WAY you’re healed, just ignoring your pain and masking it with a new marriage. I just feel sorry for the new woman, albeit it is her choice too.

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  9. Jenell

    I want to say my case is different, but in all reality it’s not. I was married for 21 years 10 years out of those 21 years, he abused me when he sexually assaulted me is when I called it. Ya we can blame ptsd and over stuff but it was a choice he made towards me. It’s been 3 1/2years now I’ve dated but no mr. Right. Then I reunited with a old classmate that I’ve known since the 4th grade. We both been through alot. We started talking again and then soon started dating. I’ve been with this wonderful man for 6 months now. My kids ages 21 16 and 13 have told me that this is the right man for me, guess they really like him. All my friends and relatives said the same. He recently proposed to me, and I accepted. But in no means are we rushing to sign any papers we are still getting to know each other and how to live with each other. Since we both been single for awhile we both have different opinions and differences on how to live. But we also share the Lord in our hearts and believe he brought us together again for a reason. Faith and love in the Lord is what we are seeking as of now. We have to make sure we are that perfect fit for each other before we proceed forward with our relationship.
    We both have a lot to work on but moving forward with everything and so far we are making a wonderful future plans.

    Reply
  10. Ana

    My friend is engaged to a woman who is divorcing or recently divorced..she left her husband or vice versa approx a month or so before they got together. It was long distance so they were not together day in and day out. She has three adolescent boys and he was married once it lasted 14 mo the or so. They were engaged after Mayne 9 months and it seems crazy to me . I hadn’t seen him in about a year and was getting ready to leave the state so we talked briefly. After this talk I got a text a while later. BTW I’m engaged and a emoji. I called to talk to Jim about it then texted I’m happy for you pick up I want to heat about it. I got this text It’s innapropriate. Odd as an hour or so before we were talking. In the morning I get a text to my phone asking me what my intentions were in texting him. Ugh She said she needed to know if ahe could trust him blah blah. I praised him and said he’s obviously in love with you and congrats wrx. But it left me sad. They ate both making a huge mistake. He’d been dating and literally ended it wirh someone that was off and on but that he really like one month before being exclusive with her. And again I’m not sure she’s divorced if so couldn’t be more than a few months. Sad.

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  11. Angie

    The older I get the more free thinking and non-judgmental I must become because my gut reaction to this entire story w/comments is “mind your own business.” Every couple is different. Life is short. Love who you want, when you want, how you want. Know yourself. Be true to yourself. Tend to yourself and cultivate your own happiness. And don’t let the opinions of busy bodies get in your way.

    Reply
    • Alexis

      My thoughts exactly. Plus, by the time we’re in our mid-40s, we’ve seen a million different versions of a million different relationships — romantic and otherwise — and know that it’s truly anyone’s guess as to how things will pan out between any two people.

      You can read 10 articles on this topic and get 10 totally different pieces of “expert” advice. Go figure.

      Reply
  12. Anonymous

    I have been married for just over three years. This is a second marriage for me, third for my husband. I completely agree with this article and the comments from the book “Crazy Time.” I wish I had been more clear thinking and perhaps read this article four or five years ago. This reads like an autobiography of everything I did wrong. It is important, crucial, and necessary to like yourself and spend enough time in relationship with yourself that you know what your deal breakers are, rather than diving into marriage so you’re not alone. I have been terribly depressed and anxious feeling trapped and dependent, as well as foolish and sad for my kids. I’m not sure if I can salvage my marriage or not and my adult kids are understandably angry that I still don’t have my crap together at age 50. They don’t want to go through another divorce. But I often feel I’m staying just for them, as I did the first time around. If you are thinking of marriage the first time around it second, do yourself a favor and heed the advice in this article.

    Reply
  13. Juju

    My husband of 12 years came home one day and said “I met this fantastic woman 2 weeks ago and I’m moving in with her”. Perhaps this article doesn’t refer to those type of people but still…. it doesn’t seem like a good foundation for a stable relationship. As for me, yes I’m dating but serious relationships….well that could take years.

    Reply
  14. Call me Billy Mack

    I have never been married myself. In fact, I am in my 40’s and can count the number of dates I have had on one hand, so I can’t speak from any personal experience. However, I am witnessing this right now in my own family. My brother and sister-in-law called it quits just recently. They were married for close to 13 years. However, do NOT be fooled by the 13 years. The marriage itself died LONG ago. By the end, those two hated. loathed, despised one another. They only toughed it out as long as they did for their children. Prior to the marriage’s inevitable end, my ex-sister-in-law met another man. She figured it was okay to go ahead and start dating before she even went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. Now, had she done this years ago prior to when they had children, I really would not give a rip about it. However, since this now involves my nieces, I am concerned about the effects a stepfather will have on them. My ex-sister-in-law is marrying her new man VERY soon. As in before the ink on her divorce has time to dry. I could write volumes about how dumb it is for her to automatically trust this guy after only a few months. But, what I REALLY don’t get is, she SAID that after having been married to my jerk of a brother (I totally agree with her there, he is a massive jerk) she would NOT remarry. And that she does not like what marriage eventually becomes. So, another marriage was out for her, end of story. Yet, this dude she was fooling around with while she was still married is suddenly her freaking prince charming. Her “knight in shinning armor” as she puts it. So, she can’t have TOO bad of a taste in her mouth about marriage, since she is marrying this guy VERY soon. Aside from the obvious part about thinking she knows someone well enough to have her and her children live with him after just a few months, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE THINKING? I mean, really now? Does she think that her marriage to her “knight in shinning armor” is really going to turn out all that differently than her marriage to my brother? Because there was a time when he too was her knight in shinning armor. Does she think that this puppy love stage she is in with him will last forever? All the gift giving and cuddling is going to fade. This guy will eventually get used to her and get comfortable around her. Then, his true nature will slowly start to show. I’m not saying that he is a monster or anything, but he’s not the perfect man that she thinks he is either. And finally, she said herself that she was well aware that the divorce rate of second marriages was higher than first marriages. Yet, she is doing it anyway. As it stands now, she is not quite done going through the agony of her divorce from my jerk of a brother. Yet, she is willing to roll the dice on a second marriage right away. She is taking a HUGE risk. She is putting herself in a high probability of having to go through yet ANOTHER divorce. Was one divorce not enough for her? She better have LOTS of money stashed somewhere. Because something tells me, she will be needing her divorce lawyer again. Sooner rather than later.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Ok so I completely agree with you. My question is, what’s the rush? Why can’t she wait a few years? If it’s true love he isn’t going anywhere. That said, I will defend her on one point. If someone was married, they obviously like the institution of marriage and monogamy. So, it would make sense that they would want to be married again. My experience has been, the longer a person is divorced, the less likely they become to get married again. If you stay single within the first 5 years–not meaning not dating or having a boyfriend, but rather unmarried, then I think your chances of not remarrying are greater. I could be wrong, but that’s my gut feeling.

      Reply
      • Call me Billy Mack

        It is a WEIRD situation, to be honest. It’s the weirdest one I have ever seen, and that is REALLY saying something, because I have seen some doozies! My ex-sister-in-law says that she does not like marriage because she likes to “share her sexuality” and “have fun life experiences with several different men”. Yet, she wants to marry this other guy once the divorce from my sorry, no good brother is final. By the way, the sorry no good part are MY words. My brother is impossible to live with. Anyway, the thing that I seem to be missing is why she thinks that her marriage to the next guy is going to be so different. I mean, does she really think that he will be totally fine with her sleeping around? Unless they have already sat down and agreed that it will be an open marriage, where absolutely anything goes. But, why get remarried (especially SO soon after a divorce) is she wants all these different sexual experiences with different men? The two ideas don’t seem to go together. So, why not remain single? She seems to be suffering from delusion as well. She is in her mid-30’s, yet she THINKS she is “as hot as any girl 10 years younger than her”. Personally, I am not seeing it, but then again, her being the mother of my nieces makes her family to an extent, so it’s difficult to see her as attractive. But, even still, she is not as hot as she thinks she is, and she definitely can not compete with girls in their 20’s who have never been married and don’t have any children. The problem is, (for reasons that are beyond me) too many men are currently drooling over her, and thus her ego is off the charts. I chalk that up to there being a REAL lack of people to date in the area we live in. I really can’t imagine what these men are thinking.She does not offer anything meaningful outside of sex. Well, maybe I just answered my own question, LOL. Anyway, I will be glad when she gets closer to 40, and what looks she has managed to retain from her youth will HOPEFULLY have faded by then and her ego will fade with it. Nothing gets old faster than someone whose ego has been built up.

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        • Jackie Pilossoph

          wow, that really is a crazy story! Doesn’t she understand that marriage equals monogamy? if not that, what’s the point??

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  15. Call me Billy Mack

    Bottom line here. Rushing into a second marriage is insane. As others on here have stated, there is NO WAY you can adequately heal from a divorce AND roll right into a second marriage and expect that there won’t be any problems. There will be problems. BIG ONES! And why? Well, very simply because you are still reeling from the implosion of your first marriage. The very first thing that goes wrong will send you right back into the mode you were in when your first marriage ended. Your new spouse will have ZERO margin for error in your eyes, thanks to your previous one. That is how you will feel, whether admit it or not.

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  16. Rivers

    No matter how you look at it, anyone who marries someone who is divorced is inheriting a bad situation, right from the start. Otherwise, the person they are marrying would never have divorced their previous spouse. If there are kids involved, then you inherit that person’s ex, not to mention, other problems. Nobody thinks about this, but the problems that caused that person’s first marriage to fail are still there. Even if there are not kids involved, you are still walking into a less than ideal situation. The pressure is on the new spouse. They have no room to screw up, and most likely, they will not be getting the same number of years that their predecessor got.

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    • Jackie Pilossoph

      What a dark way to look at second marriage. I completely disagree and think that although the vast majority of second marriages fail, the reason isn’t because the people got divorced in the first place. It’s because the second marriage situation was either rushed, and/or not thought out. I think divorced people are beautiful in the sense that they have suffered and are trying to become stronger, better individuals. Do they inherit the problems of thier new husband/wife and his or her ex? sure. But many divorced people view second marriage as a chance at true happiness. Although nothing is a fairytale, and it certainly comes with baggage, people just want to be happy and they want companionship and a partner who cares for them and loves them. What’s so bad about that? The expectations just have to be real, and the divorced people have to be self-aware and try to do better this time.

      Reply
      • Rivers

        Yes, that ,may seem dark, but it comes from the fact that EVERY second marriage I have ever seen has failed and it has failed faster than the first one did. I can tell you some stories from several different second marriages that would leave you aghast. Sure, everybody that goes into a second marriage wants that love and companionship that their first marriage did not provide. As I say, had their first marriage given them that, then they would not be in a second marriage. i can certainly understand and appreciate that. However, nobody goes into it expecting failure. Yet, that is where most end up, sadly. I heard one woman who rushed into a second marriage say “oh my gosh, he was the sweetest man in the world at first, then the monster came out”. That was someone who had divorced her previous husband because he had “gotten comfortable” and did less and less as time went on. He quit doing anything at all around the house and quit showing his wife any affection. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her. He had just gotten lazy in every aspect. So, she meets a new man who she moves in with him while she is still married. After about 8 months of living with him, (while still married to her first husband), the first husband makes her go file for divorce. She does, and when the divorce is final, she immediately, marries the guy she had been living with. Three months after they get married, the “monster came out” as she said, and he beat her to the point of hospitalization. As she laid in the hospital bed, she lamented that she should have just held on to her lazy first husband. And that is just one story.

        Reply
        • Jackie Pilossoph

          While that is a very very tragic story, all the red flags were there. Had she done things right–not cheated, not rushed into the marriage, not moved in with the guy so fast, she might have found out about the monster before it got really bad. I”m not judging her, I’m just saying that done right, second marriage can work beautifully. Unfortunately most people rush into it before they really know the person. It’s understandable because they think they are madly in love at the beginning.

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  17. Koren

    I was married for 33 years, and have 6 kids. My x decided he wanted out and was very cunning as he got everything and doesnt pay child support or alimony. He tricked me so badly into thinking we were getting back together that I didn’t fight for anything, just didn’t want contention, little did I know he was having affairs and married one of them only 3 months after he left me. He often tells everyone I threw it away and that I poisoned our kids, of course my kids are older and smart they make their own decisions. Anyway He flaunts his new marriage in front of my church and comes with her. I sometimes hope and wish that it will blow up on them. The amount pain they have caused is sometimes so unbearable. I am slowly healing. But life is so different that what I expected it to be at this stage in life.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Please know that I read your comment and I completely understand your pain. I will pray for you that you will begin to heal and find peace soon. Life being unexpected doesn’t have to mean it’s a bad thing. Really really great things can be in your future. Keep the faith and try not to focus on your ex and his new wife, but rather YOU and your future, and today, of course. xo

      Reply
  18. Coriander

    My ex did snowed me too. I was naive enough to buy it and still can’t get over it. Several big ticket hits came one after another and this was my One Too Many. Now I know; it was financial strategy, all of it. He said he’d never marry again so often I didn’t suspect anything like it. Sex? Sure. Affairs? Of course, when didn’t I suspect. But…marriage? He described his optimal solo existence time after nauseating time. Then he remarried…three weeks after the divorce was final.

    I would never have given him leeway or let my emotions factor into any decision. I went through years (sorry, wish I could say months) of rumination, wishing I’d done better, couldn’t imagine holding another man’s hand. It tortured me that he could cut me off so absolutely.

    And one day it fell into my lap, like a terrible gag gift. An Internet search led to a woman who–lo and behold–shared my exes new address and referred to him as…her ‘long time partner’. Excuse me? Our divorce wasn’t final when it was written, yet he was living with some ‘long time’ partner?! From what life??

    I about swallowed my throat. Dumbfounded and heartbroken, the pieces started coming together. So much began to make sense; things he’d said, how he so easily discarded me, why he relentlessly bullied me into that settlement. I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for that. I am in a much more difficult position to start over. For many reasons, each so ridiculously extreme I wouldn’t believe me if they hadn’t actually occurred to me.

    I am eternally grateful I found out. If I went into detail you’d understand what a long shot that was. He kept absolutely everything essential from me and I stayed out of contact as best I could anyway, in an attempt to regain my life or maybe some dignity. But through a string of ludicrously bad luck and failing health I am only worse for the wear. And he’s remarried, he was with her the whole time. Never had a lonely night.

    At least I can start the process of letting go. Finally. Why he wouldn’t give at least that much to me I’ll never know…power, cruelty, who knows. But that little piece of information is kind of vital to the process. Had I but known during those grueling proceedings…

    He was all about image power and money and this chick serves him well. Even now I hesitate to write this–what if he sees it, what if she sees it… And the worst part? He wouldn’t care.

    Sorry to be so maudlin! And thank you for letting me bellyache.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      There isn’t a woman on this planet who thinks at one time or another in life, “How could I not have seen it?” I am included. But that’s OK. Also, dont think your ex-husband is blissful. He isn’t. How would you like to be that other woman, knowing that your boyfriend was still married and sneaking behind his wife’s back? How can that woman have respect for that? You are going to be just fine. Lonliness for a little while is OK. Just heal and try to enjoy something every day. Before you know it, time will go by and you will be really happy again, and realize what a hard time this was but that you got through it. Lastly, don’t give up on love. There are really good men out there who want to be monogamous. You deserve to be loved, this time by a good, good man who isn’t a cheat.

      Reply
  19. J

    I posted a reply almost two years ago when my ex husband was over the moon about his new relationship and was moving full steam ahead with her. They moved in together after 7 months and two break ups. They got engaged 4 months after that. They bought a house together 4 months after that. He then proceeded to kick her out one month after buying the house. He called off the wedding 3 months before the wedding date. Fast forward to today… they ended up getting married and have been married two months and he’s miserable. She has a luke warm relationship at best with my daughters (it’s been that way since day one) and my daughters are a constant source of argument between them (also since day one) He has told me he doesn’t know why he went through with the wedding and is now contemplating divorce. I think he moved faster than was good for him but that’s just my opinion. I just mostly feel bad for my girls.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      There must be some feeling of validation for you, right? That said, are you sad for your husband? or do you want to say “I told you so?” YOur ex didn’t move too fast, with 3+ break ups, this is the wrong person for him. Period. But he married her anyway. I don’t really understand the judgment. Especially when your kids are involved. The thing is, your only concern should be your kids. You are providing them stability. You are their rock. They will now have to deal with your ex’s divorce. That is very sad for them. So, just keep being a great mom and be there for them. As for your ex, some people might disagree, but I think if he needs a friend, it’s not a bad thing if you are there for him. It will actually be beneficial for your kids in a way. (i think.)

      Reply
      • J

        I agree with you that this probably wasn’t the right person for him. Oddly enough despite the fact that he put himself in this position, I do feel bad for him. He deserves to be happy. He has shared many of his marital struggles with me and I try and just be a listening ear for him. It’s tough watching my girls be stressed out about the fact they may have to move to another home if they do in fact divorce, but I just keep reminding them that I’m always here for them.

        Reply
  20. Ajit Padmakar Pradhan

    The article and comments are real life situations.
    Remarrying with kids on hand is a very sensitive issue. Remarriage should be approved by yhe kids along with your own feelings. A disaster is second marriage hurts the childrens more than you yourself. Adjusting to it and convincing children is more drainful than anything.
    Before commiting to second marriage it is also essential to know how much the families are involved emotionally. Are they dependant on individual to support them or will it be in the future. This may put additional stress on you when making family adjustments.
    In second marriage financial support and utilization should also have a clarity.
    Not least but important .. take time and be sure if u really want to marry or take immense pleasure in bringing up your own children. Secod marriages are very sensitive issues.

    Reply
  21. Ajit Padmakar Pradhan

    I posted this expressing my real time experience. I was married for 16 yrs living in US well established with the family. Ex wife got involved with a man 10 yr. youngrr to her (she being 36 then).
    It was a disastorous situation for me. Not realizing my love and commitment to my daughters, I left them in search of settling down in other city.. could not manage so came bac to native country… this was another shock ..
    Got married after three yrs. after divorce… but not aftrr 20+ yrs. of second marriage i feel strongly thay that i should have stayed single and devoted my life for my daughters.. that would have brought me happiness.
    God bless my daughters are doing well and love me in all the situations. They both were brought up with care and love by both of us.
    Second marriage issues, in a different culture, emotional atachment, guilt of not having been with my daughters during their growing years keep haunting in second marriages.
    Second mrriage was rushed in ..the emotions, wife’s attachment to her family.. her children (two children from her first marriage) and her commitments are diffetent .. realised it too late. She is a good lady but our wavelength do not match…
    Concluding : Take time , see a bigger picture, be truthful to yourself, your children, and go for it with heart to heart commitment sorting out values of life and commercial commitments that may arise and beleive it they will arise.

    This article gives in depth feelings and experiences of many including owner of this blog.

    Reply
    • Ajit Padmakar Pradhan

      Yes.. learn most of everything about her first marriage… her involvements after first marriage…
      Focus on why she wants to get remarried… purpose goals … if any children from first marriage … take extra time to see how they like you and how adjusting they are… to accept you as their father.

      So in brief take time before committing … do not rush and don’t fall into rush.

      It is very important to get your wavelengths and desires to match to make it a successful attempt.

      Got to know these important points from this website… thanks.

      Reply
  22. Mike

    My ex-wife and I recently divorced after over 9 years of marriage. We have 2 daughters together. We decided to file jointly so that there would be no lawyer fees and because we were agreeing to joint custody of our girls. Prior to the actual filing of the divorce, I found out that she was having an affair. Before I found that out, she had been telling me that she just wanted to be alone. Turns out that was a lie. She continued to see this person while I still lived in the house, flaunting the relationship even though she agreed to not talk to him on the phone in front of me. I moved out at the end of January, 2017. We went to court on 2/21/2017 to have our case heard and to be granted the divorce. The divorce decree came about a week later. On 3/18/2017 I found out that she had married him. 3 weeks is all it took for her. She didn’t forewarn me, and she hasn’t told the girls. That tells me that she isn’t ready for this. She is so blinded by being in love that she is only thinking about her immediate gratification. I tried dating someone, but quickly realized that I need a lot more time to deal with the divorce and to focus on being a father to my girls before diving into a relationship. I feel bad for my ex as someday it is all going to come crumbling down around her, and her daughters are going to resent her for the decisions that she has made.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I am so sorry. You are right about all of this. Your ex is going to wake up one day and regret her actions. (if she doesn’t already.) I believe it takes 2 years to get out of that “everything is perfect” stage. Also, the fact that she didn’t tell your girls about the marriage is very very selfish and immature. So sad. All you can do is be the best dad you know how and be there for them. Your life is going to turn out great. I know it. xo

      Reply
  23. Jack

    I’m guessing this comment will go ignored, but I’ll post it anyway.
    I have been with my current girlfriend for 9 months. We are both divorced from 10+ years of marriage, we are in our 40’s, we each have children at home and separate homes. I live 30 minutes across town and our work schedules are conflicting to get together, as well as the responsibility of parenting. We see each other generally on weekends and sometimes a few extra days out of the week.
    We had been friends for a few years before we started dating. I was single for a year and a half, from a 5+ year relationship, and she was single for 3 months from an ‘on again, off again’ 3 year relationship.
    After we had been dating 6 months, she was pushing marriage. Saying she doesn’t want to be single and 50, or have to go through the dating game. Of course, this made me feel like she’s just settling for me, because I’m nice looking, have a job, and we’ll…I’ll do.
    I want to take this relationship slow and absolutely know we are right for each other. She told me she loved me right at the beginning of our relationship, which concerned me.
    So…Here we are, 9 months in, and she’s talking about “evaluating” where she is in life, mentioning that she doesn’t like the long distant relationship or seeing each other just on the weekend. At this point, with us both having children in different schools, living in different homes, is taking this relationship slow wrong? I love her dearly, but I’m really wondering if she’s just needing to be with someone? Anyone. She’s mentioned she doesn’t like to be alone, and I have no problem with it. I don’t want to break up, because we have a lot of fun together and get along wonderfully. But, if we broke up, I have a feeling that she’d be in another relationship within 6 months.
    So, if anyone is reading this…Do you have any advice? Am I being unreasonable by moving slow? Again, we’ve only been dating for 9 months. I kind of feel like she’s just settling for me, even though she adores me to no end.
    I’m just not sure what to do or think about her pressing to get married.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      First of all, no comments on here get ignored! 🙂 I am going to give you my honest advice. I see some red flags here. Big time. It sounds like you two have a great relationship! You see each other on weekends and during the week. that is more than most divorced couples dating see each other. And, they are all fine with that. When you have kids and jobs, you kind of have to take what you can get when it comes to seeing your girlfriend/boyfriend! Instead of rushing to marriage, why can’t this girl just enjoy YOU, enjoy what the two of you have? Here is where I truly have issues with this woman: if she is saying she doesn’t want to be single and 50, that is a very very very bad reason for wanting to get married. And yes, I can see how that makes you feel like she is just settling (although I don’t think that’s the case.) I think this girl has convinced herself that you are the one and she wants that fairytale ending really really badly. I get that. I really do. I’m single and 51 and I am in a relationship that is the same as you guys, but the difference is, I’m fine with the way things are. I always tell him, “I don’t care about marriage. I just want you.” And that comes from the bottom of my heart. Could she say that? Don’t you deserve someone who would say that to you? and 9 months is a really short time to be dating someone and then getting engaged after marriage! Please be careful and don’t marry her just so she won’t break up with you. Have confidence in yourself and in your ability to be happy with or without her. I wish you all the best.

      Reply
      • Jack

        Thank you so much! Your advice is exactly what I’ve been thinking. It is good to hear it from a neutral party.
        You’re right, I think she has convinced herself that I’m the one, and she does want that fairytale ending. That doesn’t bother so much as having to question if she really wants me. We do have a great relationship, and she is a confident woman, but I think she has some issues of neediness when it comes to marriage. She’s mentioned that the thought of being in the same routine, and not being married within in 2 years, is upsetting to her.
        I will talk to her about this. Don’t worry, I have learned from my last relationship how to be confident in myself. I have no problem being by myself. It would be nice, however, to build a stronger relationship with her, without it having a marriage deadline attached to it.
        Thank you so very much for giving me a reply. This is just what I needed. I am very grateful and appreciative.

        Reply
        • Jackie Pilossoph

          It’s my pleasure. I ended up writing a whole blog post on it 🙂 Best wishes. I know you will do the right thing. As for her, she needs to learn independence and how to be happy being alone. What many divorced people don’t realize is, you get to have all these different dynamics going on and it’s a great balance. You have time alone, time with just your kids, time with your boyfriend/girlfriend without the kids, and then time as families together (if you have blended.) It’s kind of a good mix and you (or I should say she) should enjoy all of it!

          Reply

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