“I Do” ing It Again

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                A couple of years ago, my friend “Lexie” met this guy named “Pete” who was recently divorced with a couple of young kids. They went out on about three dates, and Lexie decided it wasn’t right, so she ended it. “Nice guy,” she said, “He just wasn’t for me.”

 

 

A couple months later (I’m not kidding about this) she gets a text from Pete saying that he is engaged. I’m pretty sure he had been divorced less than 6 months, separated from his ex-wife under a year.

 

 

Let me explain that I am by no means judging Pete. There is no bigger romantic than me, and I love, love, love the idea of marriage. When it’s the right time.  That said, I’m constantly amazed by how many divorced or recently divorced people not only rush into serious relationships, but they rush into marriage, and then, they always have these really short engagements, and they get married weeks after their engagement, like they just want to do it already. I don’t get it.

 

 

Slow down, people! What’s the rush? I’ve read so many divorce books that say it takes YEARS to heal from a divorce. I’m talking 5 years (in my opinion.) So, why would you want to get married to someone else before you’ve fully dealt with what happened to you?  There are still times that I think about my failed marriage and come to new revelations about what happened, how I might have been at fault, what I could have done better. And my marriage ended almost 6 years ago!

 

 

Again, I’m not judging anyone for wanting to get married again, because I know that feeling of being so in love at the beginning of a relationship that you can barely breathe, and all you want to do is spend time with the person. Having kids and different schedules and living in different houses makes getting together challenging. I know that from personal experience. There have been stretches of times when I haven’t seen my boyfriend for two weeks, because our schedules didn’t allow for it. So, trust me, those are the times I say to myself, ‘Maybe marriage is a good idea.’

 

 

But, if you really sit down and think about it, you better be pretty darn sure this is “the one” AGAIN because the last thing anyone wants is another divorce. And sadly enough, the divorce rate of second marriages is significantly higher than first marriages.

 

 

The thing is, everyone wants to end up “happily ever after” and I completely get that. I do, too! But does happily ever after really mean another wedding?

 

 

Let me continue with the Pete story. So, about three months after he told my friend he was engaged, she began getting texts from him late at night, some of the texts at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. The texts would read, “Hey, Lex, miss you!” or “Just drove by your house and was thinking of you.” Lexie actually thought maybe he broke off the engagement, but then found out from someone that he was married. That’s when she knew he wasn’t happy. I mean, really. You’re married and you’re texting old girlfriends? How happy can you be?

 

 

Fast forward to two years later, which was last week. Lexie gets a text from Pete that he is single again. Big surprise there. Sorry, not trying to be a biatch. But, the truth of the matter is, Pete’s marriage ended because Pete had no business getting married. He barely knew the girl, he has two young kids who are undoubtedly still trying to cope with their parents divorce, and he himself needs to heal from the first divorce, still.

 

 

There is a book called Crazy Time, which is sort of the Bible for newly divorced people. In the book, (which I believe was written in the 80’s) it says that often times, people get remarried and then get divorced again, and that is when they start really healing from the first divorce. I believe that. You can’t heal if your mind is clouded by a new relationship.

 

 

Don’t get me wrong. I was never one of those people to tell newly divorced people they shouldn’t date. They should! When I was getting divorced, I hated when people would say to me, “You need some time alone. You don’t want to date anyone right now. Just be by yourself and figure things out.”

 

 

I felt like saying, “How do YOU know what I want? (since you are married and have never gone through this,)” and “Why should I be by myself? Am I being punished for getting divorced, so I’m restricted from dating?”

 

 

When people are getting divorced they are feeling lonely and isolated and afraid, and in my opinion, they should date as much as they want. Big difference between dating and committing AGAIN to spending the rest of your life with someone.

 

 

I feel sorry for Pete, but I feel even worse for his kids. The silver lining is, Pete and the girl didn’t have any kids together. Talk about complicating things even more!

 

 

I might sound really judgmental in this blog, and if that’s the case, I apologize because I do realize that every situation is different. I’m just stating that in the majority of cases, if done too soon, getting married a second time ends up being a mistake. ANOTHER mistake, which any divorced person can tell you is not something he or she wants to make.

 

 

I wish people (both divorced and people who are engaged for the first time) would really take the time to sit down and think about what they are really doing by getting married. Are the things he does that bug you going to get better? NO WAY. Marry him and they will intensify big time. Are you okay with that? If so, great! But be honest with yourself.

 

 

I would imagine there are doubts in a second marriage, no matter what. You already made one mistake, so to feel nervous is normal. But overwhelming doubt shouldn’t be ignored. Again, be honest with yourself.

 

 

In closing,I will say this. There is no better feeling in the world than being in love, and feeling like FINALLY, after living your whole life well into your 40’s or 50’s, you’ve found the one. But is it necessary to rush into a marriage? If he or she is “the one,” than you’ve already lived happily ever after, whether you have a ring on your finger or not.

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

29 Responses to ““I Do” ing It Again”

  1. C. Wilder

    Wow that was very good. I am divorced 5 years and remarried a year ago……my new husband and I have some challenges…that are not easy…..we have had a rocky year yet we keep dating and trying on a daily basis…nothing is perfect. He and I are so alike and we overly analyze each other…

    Reply
  2. Fandango

    A relative (a guy) is getting married soon, after having been divorced a mere five months! The ink was barely dry on his divorce decree from his first wife of 7 years, and he met some woman on line halfway across the country from where he currently lives; she has two young kids. He barely knows this woman and yet he is going ahead and taking another plunge, probably without really thinking anything through. I predict disaster. There is more to the story and each little bit sounds iffier and iffier, and frankly, I agree that jumping into a second marriage before you have had time to sort out the first one, is a huge mistake. Again, I predict disaster on the horizon for this relative. Hope I’m wrong, but I just have a feeling this one is headed for disaster – like the first, wherein he took the plunge after knowing the woman a very short amount of time.

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  3. J

    My divorce has only been final 7 months. Just the other day, my ex husband tells me he’s moving in with his girlfriend of barely 4 months. And to boot, he said they could be engaged in 3-4 months. I’m baffled how he’s moved on so fast after being so devastated by the divorce. We. Have 2 young daughters together and I fear for the negative impact all this could have on them.

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  4. A

    my husband of 15 years and I separated just 6 months ago. For 4 of those months we discussed reconcilliation. Suddenly he met this woman and they are “serious” and planning a wedding after just a few months of dating. My children already call her children their step-siblings. Their relationship is very public on Facebook and other social media websites. He has already taken my children for weekend get aways with her, sharing the same condo. Our divorce petition wasn’t even filed until 2 weeks ago. She reached out to be my “friend” on Pinterest and I respectfully declined. Now I am being accused of being high conflict and narcissistic because I requested that she not text my son, post pictures of my children on her facebook page and that her 13 year old son not be allowed to share a bed with my 8 year old daughter. I have no idea how to process any of this. My husband and I can no longer communicate without me being accused of being hateful to her and jealous. 17 years together meant nothing apparently. I mean nothing as the mother of my 3 children.

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  5. kez

    I was married 5 years together for 12. My ex husband not only walked out on me and my two young kids aged 5 months & 2 years siting neglect because I ignored him whilst he let me bring up our kids alone but then moved his divorce lawyer into the matrimonial home 2 months after our absolute was granted! I’m sure there’s a conflict of interest there. So they were having an affair whilst we were getting divorced and that sickens me.

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  6. Anon

    My friend got divorced three weeks ago- her and her husband has been ‘separated’ but living in the same house for the last 6 weeks or so of their marriage, after several breakups and reconciliations. Divorce law is complicated here, but essentially the divorce was handled from start to finish in one day, and neither can legally get remarried for 3 months. A week before the divorce was put through, she was texting a guy she had just met- last week they moved in together, and today he announces on facebook that they are engaged. This is honestly the scariest thing to witness, as my friend no longer confides in me or any other friend, and is literally inseparable from her fiance. Immediately after her divorce, she stayed with me for a week, but her new man appeared to move in too, without asking if it was ok- when asked if perhaps he (or they) could stay at his house one or even a few nights a week, she moved out without saying goodbye, and our friendship has been minimal ever since.
    I don’t know how to offer her support for her divorce or even her new relationship- she refuses to listen to advice (even about pregnancy/ using protection), generally replies “whatever happens happens”, and lies to me and our mutual friends about details of the relationship, telling us all different information mere hours apart. Any advice would be much appreciated- I want to keep my best friend regardless of how this pans out.

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  7. Rogue

    It’s so sad how similar our stories are. After a marriage of 9 years ended with two kids my ex had made a stipulation not to introduce or kids to any romantic partners unless we’d been in our relationship for at least 6 months. He meets this girl (presumably on pof 2weeks before our divorce is finalized) introduces our kids 2 weeks later, moves her in 2 months later, now they’re engaged and haven’t even known each other but 4-5 months. It makes me sick. I can’t dislike her- although he keeps us from speaking-probably scared his lies to her will become revealed. Either way, she’s a our like me so it leaves me wondering why he would cheat just to go back to the same routine. He blatantly disagrees that his actions are affecting our kids and refuses counselling. Her goes another step further trying to tell me he’s going to take my kids from me. I just wish he would die some sick twisted poetic and karmic way. If only there was some divine intervention…

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  8. Kim

    It is amazing how common this is. It truly baffles my brain. My ex-husband and I were together for 12 years, married for 7 because he waited 5 years to propose which I was ok with because we were only in our late 20’s. We had been divorced a mere 6 months when he proposed to someone else. They were married a year after our divorce. ONE YEAR! Now almost 4 years later I still find myself healing and reflecting. I am in a relationship, but still can’t fathom taking on another marriage. There is NO WAY you’re healed, just ignoring your pain and masking it with a new marriage. I just feel sorry for the new woman, albeit it is her choice too.

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  9. Jenell

    I want to say my case is different, but in all reality it’s not. I was married for 21 years 10 years out of those 21 years, he abused me when he sexually assaulted me is when I called it. Ya we can blame ptsd and over stuff but it was a choice he made towards me. It’s been 3 1/2years now I’ve dated but no mr. Right. Then I reunited with a old classmate that I’ve known since the 4th grade. We both been through alot. We started talking again and then soon started dating. I’ve been with this wonderful man for 6 months now. My kids ages 21 16 and 13 have told me that this is the right man for me, guess they really like him. All my friends and relatives said the same. He recently proposed to me, and I accepted. But in no means are we rushing to sign any papers we are still getting to know each other and how to live with each other. Since we both been single for awhile we both have different opinions and differences on how to live. But we also share the Lord in our hearts and believe he brought us together again for a reason. Faith and love in the Lord is what we are seeking as of now. We have to make sure we are that perfect fit for each other before we proceed forward with our relationship.
    We both have a lot to work on but moving forward with everything and so far we are making a wonderful future plans.

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  10. Ana

    My friend is engaged to a woman who is divorcing or recently divorced..she left her husband or vice versa approx a month or so before they got together. It was long distance so they were not together day in and day out. She has three adolescent boys and he was married once it lasted 14 mo the or so. They were engaged after Mayne 9 months and it seems crazy to me . I hadn’t seen him in about a year and was getting ready to leave the state so we talked briefly. After this talk I got a text a while later. BTW I’m engaged and a emoji. I called to talk to Jim about it then texted I’m happy for you pick up I want to heat about it. I got this text It’s innapropriate. Odd as an hour or so before we were talking. In the morning I get a text to my phone asking me what my intentions were in texting him. Ugh She said she needed to know if ahe could trust him blah blah. I praised him and said he’s obviously in love with you and congrats wrx. But it left me sad. They ate both making a huge mistake. He’d been dating and literally ended it wirh someone that was off and on but that he really like one month before being exclusive with her. And again I’m not sure she’s divorced if so couldn’t be more than a few months. Sad.

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  11. Angie

    The older I get the more free thinking and non-judgmental I must become because my gut reaction to this entire story w/comments is “mind your own business.” Every couple is different. Life is short. Love who you want, when you want, how you want. Know yourself. Be true to yourself. Tend to yourself and cultivate your own happiness. And don’t let the opinions of busy bodies get in your way.

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  12. Anonymous

    I have been married for just over three years. This is a second marriage for me, third for my husband. I completely agree with this article and the comments from the book “Crazy Time.” I wish I had been more clear thinking and perhaps read this article four or five years ago. This reads like an autobiography of everything I did wrong. It is important, crucial, and necessary to like yourself and spend enough time in relationship with yourself that you know what your deal breakers are, rather than diving into marriage so you’re not alone. I have been terribly depressed and anxious feeling trapped and dependent, as well as foolish and sad for my kids. I’m not sure if I can salvage my marriage or not and my adult kids are understandably angry that I still don’t have my crap together at age 50. They don’t want to go through another divorce. But I often feel I’m staying just for them, as I did the first time around. If you are thinking of marriage the first time around it second, do yourself a favor and heed the advice in this article.

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  13. Juju

    My husband of 12 years came home one day and said “I met this fantastic woman 2 weeks ago and I’m moving in with her”. Perhaps this article doesn’t refer to those type of people but still…. it doesn’t seem like a good foundation for a stable relationship. As for me, yes I’m dating but serious relationships….well that could take years.

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  14. Call me Billy Mack

    I have never been married myself. In fact, I am in my 40’s and can count the number of dates I have had on one hand, so I can’t speak from any personal experience. However, I am witnessing this right now in my own family. My brother and sister-in-law called it quits just recently. They were married for close to 13 years. However, do NOT be fooled by the 13 years. The marriage itself died LONG ago. By the end, those two hated. loathed, despised one another. They only toughed it out as long as they did for their children. Prior to the marriage’s inevitable end, my ex-sister-in-law met another man. She figured it was okay to go ahead and start dating before she even went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. Now, had she done this years ago prior to when they had children, I really would not give a rip about it. However, since this now involves my nieces, I am concerned about the effects a stepfather will have on them. My ex-sister-in-law is marrying her new man VERY soon. As in before the ink on her divorce has time to dry. I could write volumes about how dumb it is for her to automatically trust this guy after only a few months. But, what I REALLY don’t get is, she SAID that after having been married to my jerk of a brother (I totally agree with her there, he is a massive jerk) she would NOT remarry. And that she does not like what marriage eventually becomes. So, another marriage was out for her, end of story. Yet, this dude she was fooling around with while she was still married is suddenly her freaking prince charming. Her “knight in shinning armor” as she puts it. So, she can’t have TOO bad of a taste in her mouth about marriage, since she is marrying this guy VERY soon. Aside from the obvious part about thinking she knows someone well enough to have her and her children live with him after just a few months, WHAT IN THE WORLD IS SHE THINKING? I mean, really now? Does she think that her marriage to her “knight in shinning armor” is really going to turn out all that differently than her marriage to my brother? Because there was a time when he too was her knight in shinning armor. Does she think that this puppy love stage she is in with him will last forever? All the gift giving and cuddling is going to fade. This guy will eventually get used to her and get comfortable around her. Then, his true nature will slowly start to show. I’m not saying that he is a monster or anything, but he’s not the perfect man that she thinks he is either. And finally, she said herself that she was well aware that the divorce rate of second marriages was higher than first marriages. Yet, she is doing it anyway. As it stands now, she is not quite done going through the agony of her divorce from my jerk of a brother. Yet, she is willing to roll the dice on a second marriage right away. She is taking a HUGE risk. She is putting herself in a high probability of having to go through yet ANOTHER divorce. Was one divorce not enough for her? She better have LOTS of money stashed somewhere. Because something tells me, she will be needing her divorce lawyer again. Sooner rather than later.

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    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Ok so I completely agree with you. My question is, what’s the rush? Why can’t she wait a few years? If it’s true love he isn’t going anywhere. That said, I will defend her on one point. If someone was married, they obviously like the institution of marriage and monogamy. So, it would make sense that they would want to be married again. My experience has been, the longer a person is divorced, the less likely they become to get married again. If you stay single within the first 5 years–not meaning not dating or having a boyfriend, but rather unmarried, then I think your chances of not remarrying are greater. I could be wrong, but that’s my gut feeling.

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      • Call me Billy Mack

        It is a WEIRD situation, to be honest. It’s the weirdest one I have ever seen, and that is REALLY saying something, because I have seen some doozies! My ex-sister-in-law says that she does not like marriage because she likes to “share her sexuality” and “have fun life experiences with several different men”. Yet, she wants to marry this other guy once the divorce from my sorry, no good brother is final. By the way, the sorry no good part are MY words. My brother is impossible to live with. Anyway, the thing that I seem to be missing is why she thinks that her marriage to the next guy is going to be so different. I mean, does she really think that he will be totally fine with her sleeping around? Unless they have already sat down and agreed that it will be an open marriage, where absolutely anything goes. But, why get remarried (especially SO soon after a divorce) is she wants all these different sexual experiences with different men? The two ideas don’t seem to go together. So, why not remain single? She seems to be suffering from delusion as well. She is in her mid-30’s, yet she THINKS she is “as hot as any girl 10 years younger than her”. Personally, I am not seeing it, but then again, her being the mother of my nieces makes her family to an extent, so it’s difficult to see her as attractive. But, even still, she is not as hot as she thinks she is, and she definitely can not compete with girls in their 20’s who have never been married and don’t have any children. The problem is, (for reasons that are beyond me) too many men are currently drooling over her, and thus her ego is off the charts. I chalk that up to there being a REAL lack of people to date in the area we live in. I really can’t imagine what these men are thinking.She does not offer anything meaningful outside of sex. Well, maybe I just answered my own question, LOL. Anyway, I will be glad when she gets closer to 40, and what looks she has managed to retain from her youth will HOPEFULLY have faded by then and her ego will fade with it. Nothing gets old faster than someone whose ego has been built up.

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        • Jackie Pilossoph

          wow, that really is a crazy story! Doesn’t she understand that marriage equals monogamy? if not that, what’s the point??

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  15. Call me Billy Mack

    Bottom line here. Rushing into a second marriage is insane. As others on here have stated, there is NO WAY you can adequately heal from a divorce AND roll right into a second marriage and expect that there won’t be any problems. There will be problems. BIG ONES! And why? Well, very simply because you are still reeling from the implosion of your first marriage. The very first thing that goes wrong will send you right back into the mode you were in when your first marriage ended. Your new spouse will have ZERO margin for error in your eyes, thanks to your previous one. That is how you will feel, whether admit it or not.

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  16. Rivers

    No matter how you look at it, anyone who marries someone who is divorced is inheriting a bad situation, right from the start. Otherwise, the person they are marrying would never have divorced their previous spouse. If there are kids involved, then you inherit that person’s ex, not to mention, other problems. Nobody thinks about this, but the problems that caused that person’s first marriage to fail are still there. Even if there are not kids involved, you are still walking into a less than ideal situation. The pressure is on the new spouse. They have no room to screw up, and most likely, they will not be getting the same number of years that their predecessor got.

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    • Jackie Pilossoph

      What a dark way to look at second marriage. I completely disagree and think that although the vast majority of second marriages fail, the reason isn’t because the people got divorced in the first place. It’s because the second marriage situation was either rushed, and/or not thought out. I think divorced people are beautiful in the sense that they have suffered and are trying to become stronger, better individuals. Do they inherit the problems of thier new husband/wife and his or her ex? sure. But many divorced people view second marriage as a chance at true happiness. Although nothing is a fairytale, and it certainly comes with baggage, people just want to be happy and they want companionship and a partner who cares for them and loves them. What’s so bad about that? The expectations just have to be real, and the divorced people have to be self-aware and try to do better this time.

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      • Rivers

        Yes, that ,may seem dark, but it comes from the fact that EVERY second marriage I have ever seen has failed and it has failed faster than the first one did. I can tell you some stories from several different second marriages that would leave you aghast. Sure, everybody that goes into a second marriage wants that love and companionship that their first marriage did not provide. As I say, had their first marriage given them that, then they would not be in a second marriage. i can certainly understand and appreciate that. However, nobody goes into it expecting failure. Yet, that is where most end up, sadly. I heard one woman who rushed into a second marriage say “oh my gosh, he was the sweetest man in the world at first, then the monster came out”. That was someone who had divorced her previous husband because he had “gotten comfortable” and did less and less as time went on. He quit doing anything at all around the house and quit showing his wife any affection. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her. He had just gotten lazy in every aspect. So, she meets a new man who she moves in with him while she is still married. After about 8 months of living with him, (while still married to her first husband), the first husband makes her go file for divorce. She does, and when the divorce is final, she immediately, marries the guy she had been living with. Three months after they get married, the “monster came out” as she said, and he beat her to the point of hospitalization. As she laid in the hospital bed, she lamented that she should have just held on to her lazy first husband. And that is just one story.

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        • Jackie Pilossoph

          While that is a very very tragic story, all the red flags were there. Had she done things right–not cheated, not rushed into the marriage, not moved in with the guy so fast, she might have found out about the monster before it got really bad. I”m not judging her, I’m just saying that done right, second marriage can work beautifully. Unfortunately most people rush into it before they really know the person. It’s understandable because they think they are madly in love at the beginning.

          Reply

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