“I Do” ing It Again



                A couple of years ago, my friend “Lexie” met this guy named “Pete” who was recently divorced with a couple of young kids. They went out on about three dates, and Lexie decided it wasn’t right, so she ended it. “Nice guy,” she said, “He just wasn’t for me.”



A couple months later (I’m not kidding about this) she gets a text from Pete saying that he is engaged. I’m pretty sure he had been divorced less than 6 months, separated from his ex-wife under a year.



Let me explain that I am by no means judging Pete. There is no bigger romantic than me, and I love, love, love the idea of marriage. When it’s the right time.  That said, I’m constantly amazed by how many divorced or recently divorced people not only rush into serious relationships, but they rush into marriage, and then, they always have these really short engagements, and they get married weeks after their engagement, like they just want to do it already. I don’t get it.



Slow down, people! What’s the rush? I’ve read so many divorce books that say it takes YEARS to heal from a divorce. I’m talking 5 years (in my opinion.) So, why would you want to get married to someone else before you’ve fully dealt with what happened to you?  There are still times that I think about my failed marriage and come to new revelations about what happened, how I might have been at fault, what I could have done better. And my marriage ended almost 6 years ago!



Again, I’m not judging anyone for wanting to get married again, because I know that feeling of being so in love at the beginning of a relationship that you can barely breathe, and all you want to do is spend time with the person. Having kids and different schedules and living in different houses makes getting together challenging. I know that from personal experience. There have been stretches of times when I haven’t seen my boyfriend for two weeks, because our schedules didn’t allow for it. So, trust me, those are the times I say to myself, ‘Maybe marriage is a good idea.’



But, if you really sit down and think about it, you better be pretty darn sure this is “the one” AGAIN because the last thing anyone wants is another divorce. And sadly enough, the divorce rate of second marriages is significantly higher than first marriages.



The thing is, everyone wants to end up “happily ever after” and I completely get that. I do, too! But does happily ever after really mean another wedding?



Let me continue with the Pete story. So, about three months after he told my friend he was engaged, she began getting texts from him late at night, some of the texts at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning. The texts would read, “Hey, Lex, miss you!” or “Just drove by your house and was thinking of you.” Lexie actually thought maybe he broke off the engagement, but then found out from someone that he was married. That’s when she knew he wasn’t happy. I mean, really. You’re married and you’re texting old girlfriends? How happy can you be?



Fast forward to two years later, which was last week. Lexie gets a text from Pete that he is single again. Big surprise there. Sorry, not trying to be a biatch. But, the truth of the matter is, Pete’s marriage ended because Pete had no business getting married. He barely knew the girl, he has two young kids who are undoubtedly still trying to cope with their parents divorce, and he himself needs to heal from the first divorce, still.



There is a book called Crazy Time, which is sort of the Bible for newly divorced people. In the book, (which I believe was written in the 80’s) it says that often times, people get remarried and then get divorced again, and that is when they start really healing from the first divorce. I believe that. You can’t heal if your mind is clouded by a new relationship.



Don’t get me wrong. I was never one of those people to tell newly divorced people they shouldn’t date. They should! When I was getting divorced, I hated when people would say to me, “You need some time alone. You don’t want to date anyone right now. Just be by yourself and figure things out.”



I felt like saying, “How do YOU know what I want? (since you are married and have never gone through this,)” and “Why should I be by myself? Am I being punished for getting divorced, so I’m restricted from dating?”



When people are getting divorced they are feeling lonely and isolated and afraid, and in my opinion, they should date as much as they want. Big difference between dating and committing AGAIN to spending the rest of your life with someone.



I feel sorry for Pete, but I feel even worse for his kids. The silver lining is, Pete and the girl didn’t have any kids together. Talk about complicating things even more!



I might sound really judgmental in this blog, and if that’s the case, I apologize because I do realize that every situation is different. I’m just stating that in the majority of cases, if done too soon, getting married a second time ends up being a mistake. ANOTHER mistake, which any divorced person can tell you is not something he or she wants to make.



I wish people (both divorced and people who are engaged for the first time) would really take the time to sit down and think about what they are really doing by getting married. Are the things he does that bug you going to get better? NO WAY. Marry him and they will intensify big time. Are you okay with that? If so, great! But be honest with yourself.



I would imagine there are doubts in a second marriage, no matter what. You already made one mistake, so to feel nervous is normal. But overwhelming doubt shouldn’t be ignored. Again, be honest with yourself.



In closing,I will say this. There is no better feeling in the world than being in love, and feeling like FINALLY, after living your whole life well into your 40’s or 50’s, you’ve found the one. But is it necessary to rush into a marriage? If he or she is “the one,” than you’ve already lived happily ever after, whether you have a ring on your finger or not.


Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

15 Responses to ““I Do” ing It Again”

  1. C. Wilder

    Wow that was very good. I am divorced 5 years and remarried a year ago……my new husband and I have some challenges…that are not easy…..we have had a rocky year yet we keep dating and trying on a daily basis…nothing is perfect. He and I are so alike and we overly analyze each other…

  2. Fandango

    A relative (a guy) is getting married soon, after having been divorced a mere five months! The ink was barely dry on his divorce decree from his first wife of 7 years, and he met some woman on line halfway across the country from where he currently lives; she has two young kids. He barely knows this woman and yet he is going ahead and taking another plunge, probably without really thinking anything through. I predict disaster. There is more to the story and each little bit sounds iffier and iffier, and frankly, I agree that jumping into a second marriage before you have had time to sort out the first one, is a huge mistake. Again, I predict disaster on the horizon for this relative. Hope I’m wrong, but I just have a feeling this one is headed for disaster – like the first, wherein he took the plunge after knowing the woman a very short amount of time.

  3. J

    My divorce has only been final 7 months. Just the other day, my ex husband tells me he’s moving in with his girlfriend of barely 4 months. And to boot, he said they could be engaged in 3-4 months. I’m baffled how he’s moved on so fast after being so devastated by the divorce. We. Have 2 young daughters together and I fear for the negative impact all this could have on them.

  4. A

    my husband of 15 years and I separated just 6 months ago. For 4 of those months we discussed reconcilliation. Suddenly he met this woman and they are “serious” and planning a wedding after just a few months of dating. My children already call her children their step-siblings. Their relationship is very public on Facebook and other social media websites. He has already taken my children for weekend get aways with her, sharing the same condo. Our divorce petition wasn’t even filed until 2 weeks ago. She reached out to be my “friend” on Pinterest and I respectfully declined. Now I am being accused of being high conflict and narcissistic because I requested that she not text my son, post pictures of my children on her facebook page and that her 13 year old son not be allowed to share a bed with my 8 year old daughter. I have no idea how to process any of this. My husband and I can no longer communicate without me being accused of being hateful to her and jealous. 17 years together meant nothing apparently. I mean nothing as the mother of my 3 children.

  5. kez

    I was married 5 years together for 12. My ex husband not only walked out on me and my two young kids aged 5 months & 2 years siting neglect because I ignored him whilst he let me bring up our kids alone but then moved his divorce lawyer into the matrimonial home 2 months after our absolute was granted! I’m sure there’s a conflict of interest there. So they were having an affair whilst we were getting divorced and that sickens me.

  6. Anon

    My friend got divorced three weeks ago- her and her husband has been ‘separated’ but living in the same house for the last 6 weeks or so of their marriage, after several breakups and reconciliations. Divorce law is complicated here, but essentially the divorce was handled from start to finish in one day, and neither can legally get remarried for 3 months. A week before the divorce was put through, she was texting a guy she had just met- last week they moved in together, and today he announces on facebook that they are engaged. This is honestly the scariest thing to witness, as my friend no longer confides in me or any other friend, and is literally inseparable from her fiance. Immediately after her divorce, she stayed with me for a week, but her new man appeared to move in too, without asking if it was ok- when asked if perhaps he (or they) could stay at his house one or even a few nights a week, she moved out without saying goodbye, and our friendship has been minimal ever since.
    I don’t know how to offer her support for her divorce or even her new relationship- she refuses to listen to advice (even about pregnancy/ using protection), generally replies “whatever happens happens”, and lies to me and our mutual friends about details of the relationship, telling us all different information mere hours apart. Any advice would be much appreciated- I want to keep my best friend regardless of how this pans out.

  7. Rogue

    It’s so sad how similar our stories are. After a marriage of 9 years ended with two kids my ex had made a stipulation not to introduce or kids to any romantic partners unless we’d been in our relationship for at least 6 months. He meets this girl (presumably on pof 2weeks before our divorce is finalized) introduces our kids 2 weeks later, moves her in 2 months later, now they’re engaged and haven’t even known each other but 4-5 months. It makes me sick. I can’t dislike her- although he keeps us from speaking-probably scared his lies to her will become revealed. Either way, she’s a our like me so it leaves me wondering why he would cheat just to go back to the same routine. He blatantly disagrees that his actions are affecting our kids and refuses counselling. Her goes another step further trying to tell me he’s going to take my kids from me. I just wish he would die some sick twisted poetic and karmic way. If only there was some divine intervention…

  8. Kim

    It is amazing how common this is. It truly baffles my brain. My ex-husband and I were together for 12 years, married for 7 because he waited 5 years to propose which I was ok with because we were only in our late 20’s. We had been divorced a mere 6 months when he proposed to someone else. They were married a year after our divorce. ONE YEAR! Now almost 4 years later I still find myself healing and reflecting. I am in a relationship, but still can’t fathom taking on another marriage. There is NO WAY you’re healed, just ignoring your pain and masking it with a new marriage. I just feel sorry for the new woman, albeit it is her choice too.

  9. Jenell

    I want to say my case is different, but in all reality it’s not. I was married for 21 years 10 years out of those 21 years, he abused me when he sexually assaulted me is when I called it. Ya we can blame ptsd and over stuff but it was a choice he made towards me. It’s been 3 1/2years now I’ve dated but no mr. Right. Then I reunited with a old classmate that I’ve known since the 4th grade. We both been through alot. We started talking again and then soon started dating. I’ve been with this wonderful man for 6 months now. My kids ages 21 16 and 13 have told me that this is the right man for me, guess they really like him. All my friends and relatives said the same. He recently proposed to me, and I accepted. But in no means are we rushing to sign any papers we are still getting to know each other and how to live with each other. Since we both been single for awhile we both have different opinions and differences on how to live. But we also share the Lord in our hearts and believe he brought us together again for a reason. Faith and love in the Lord is what we are seeking as of now. We have to make sure we are that perfect fit for each other before we proceed forward with our relationship.
    We both have a lot to work on but moving forward with everything and so far we are making a wonderful future plans.

  10. Ana

    My friend is engaged to a woman who is divorcing or recently divorced..she left her husband or vice versa approx a month or so before they got together. It was long distance so they were not together day in and day out. She has three adolescent boys and he was married once it lasted 14 mo the or so. They were engaged after Mayne 9 months and it seems crazy to me . I hadn’t seen him in about a year and was getting ready to leave the state so we talked briefly. After this talk I got a text a while later. BTW I’m engaged and a emoji. I called to talk to Jim about it then texted I’m happy for you pick up I want to heat about it. I got this text It’s innapropriate. Odd as an hour or so before we were talking. In the morning I get a text to my phone asking me what my intentions were in texting him. Ugh She said she needed to know if ahe could trust him blah blah. I praised him and said he’s obviously in love with you and congrats wrx. But it left me sad. They ate both making a huge mistake. He’d been dating and literally ended it wirh someone that was off and on but that he really like one month before being exclusive with her. And again I’m not sure she’s divorced if so couldn’t be more than a few months. Sad.

  11. Angie

    The older I get the more free thinking and non-judgmental I must become because my gut reaction to this entire story w/comments is “mind your own business.” Every couple is different. Life is short. Love who you want, when you want, how you want. Know yourself. Be true to yourself. Tend to yourself and cultivate your own happiness. And don’t let the opinions of busy bodies get in your way.

  12. Anonymous

    I have been married for just over three years. This is a second marriage for me, third for my husband. I completely agree with this article and the comments from the book “Crazy Time.” I wish I had been more clear thinking and perhaps read this article four or five years ago. This reads like an autobiography of everything I did wrong. It is important, crucial, and necessary to like yourself and spend enough time in relationship with yourself that you know what your deal breakers are, rather than diving into marriage so you’re not alone. I have been terribly depressed and anxious feeling trapped and dependent, as well as foolish and sad for my kids. I’m not sure if I can salvage my marriage or not and my adult kids are understandably angry that I still don’t have my crap together at age 50. They don’t want to go through another divorce. But I often feel I’m staying just for them, as I did the first time around. If you are thinking of marriage the first time around it second, do yourself a favor and heed the advice in this article.

  13. Juju

    My husband of 12 years came home one day and said “I met this fantastic woman 2 weeks ago and I’m moving in with her”. Perhaps this article doesn’t refer to those type of people but still…. it doesn’t seem like a good foundation for a stable relationship. As for me, yes I’m dating but serious relationships….well that could take years.



  1.  Second Marriages: Those who Rush in and Those Who Resist - Divorced Girl Smiling

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