I love when people send me emails and ask, “Do you think I should get married?” I get so many of them! They say things like, “I’m not sure,” “I love him but I don’t think I’m IN LOVE with him,” “I’m afraid I will never find anyone who loves me this much,” or “I feel so guilty because he wants to get married and I don’t.”
Being a divorced person, I want to shout to anyone asking IF he/she should get married to the person they are dating is NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! If you have to ask an advice columnist/blogger or a friend or your family if you should get married, that means it isn’t right and you definitely should not. At this point, anyhow. Things could change in the future.
Here’s the thing. Even if you are marrying the love of your life, your soul mate, someone you adore and trust and care for and love spending time with, and even if you have no doubts, marriage is hard! That doesn’t mean married people can’t be happy or glad they are married, but being married is a job! Living with someone day-to-day, blending families and becoming a step-parent is a lot different than dating and snuggling and going out for romantic dinners when both of you are without your kids.
What’s ironic is, many divorced people rush into second marriages. Why? Because they have this illusion that things are going to be Brady Bunch-like and the reality is that they won’t be. That’s why 72% of second marriages end in divorce.
I’m not saying second marriage never works out. In fact, I know lots of second marriages that are happy. But, when it comes to a second marriage, there are potential challenges that I think are overlooked or tucked under the rug because of lust, infatuation and this idea that you got the fairytale ending.
Why can’t more divorced people who are really happy in relationships realize that they got the fairytale ending just by being where they are: in the happy relationship!? Why do people feel they need the ring and the wedding and the co-habitation to feel truly connected?
Here is how I feel about second marriage or even first marriage. I have a friend who is in a long-term relationship and whenever we talk about her marrying him she says, “Well…I’m just not sure.” Now, if he proposes, (which she said he might be doing that soon) will she say yes? I’m not sure. I hope not. Because the only way she should say yes, is if we start talking about her potential marriage to this guy and she responds, “I cannot wait to marry him, move in with him, blend our families, and become a stepmom. I would do it today!” If someone can’t say that, then they should wait. I’m not saying my friend should never marry this guy, I’m just hoping she will be wise enough to wait until she truly feels it is right for her and her kids.
Here are 10 reasons a person should want to get into a marriage (or second marriage):
1. They want the day-to-day living experience and each knows the person well enough to know their flaws and what they will have to deal with.
2. They love the other person’s kids a lot and want to blend families. Everyone gets along relatively well.
3. The couple trusts each other wholeheartedly with finances.
4. They are more than willing to take care of the other person if he/she becomes ill.
5. They have little or no doubt that after the excitement of the wedding and honeymoon wears off that this is the person they want to spend the rest of their life with.
6. They are willing to support the person financially if he/she loses their job.
7. They are getting married for the person, not because they are afraid to be alone or they fear they won’t meet anyone better.
8. The couple genuinely enjoys each other’s company. They love doing things together. In other words, they have a lot in common.
9. The couple values the religious aspect of marriage.
10. The couple wants to wake up together every morning and go to bed together every night. They are fully aware that things won’t always be romantic and perfect, and they want to face and solve problems-big and small as a team. Parenting styles are similar and the couple is on the same page.
Like this blog post? Check out, “A Dark View Of Second Marriage And Why I Completely Disagree.”
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TigerKim
Great Ten Points! Actually these should be all listed out and each party should have to be counseled on each item & have to initial each one, before THE FIRST MARRIAGE.
Jackie Pilossoph
Right!!
Sensei
Simple decision-making filter – if it’s not a “hell yes!” then it’s a “no”.
And also consider – you can achieve most (if not all) of the 10 items in that list *without* the contractual and legal entanglements of marriage. i.e. you can be perfectly happy with someone in a long term committed relationship, without getting married.
Finally – consider the downside risk. Anyone who has been through a divorce knows that it’s *way* harder to get out of a marriage than it is to get into one. Don’t discount the possibility that your current “one and only” may one day turn into a very expensive adversary.
Kristen from Kandy Apple Mama
I LOVE THIS. I’m marrying my soulmate in just under 3 weeks, and it means I’m marrying him and his daughter and officially co-parenting with his ex-wife. If this wasn’t absolutely the man I wanted to marry or I was unsure in any way, I wouldn’t be marrying him.
Jackie Pilossoph
Best best wishes!!!
Ellenor Davis
Great article and good 10 reasons to marry your loved one. These ten points are really important and if you consider marrying, you and your half should accept every point from that list.