I’m usually not this harsh in my posts but today I just couldn’t stand what I was reading. In three emails from different women—all seemingly devastated by the actions of her man and asking for relationship advice, I felt frustrated. Why?
Because while I feel for these women, I want to tell them all to get a grip, take a deep breath, pull your shoulders back, pick your head up high and move the hell on! In other words, you deserve better!
Here are excerpts of the emails, followed by my comments and advice.
1. He is still having sex with me even though he has a girlfriend. What I want to know is, why are YOU still having sex with HIM?? He has a girlfriend. Is that OK with you? I can’t imagine that you enjoy feeling badly about yourself, which is the only thing that comes from sleeping with a man who has a girlfriend. Oh wait, I forgot low self-esteem, sadness, lack of self-love and lack of self-confidence. Those things also come from sleeping with a man who has a girlfriend. Don’t you feel like you deserve better? When did it become OK to settle and rationalize that sleeping with a cheater—who has now made the choice to make the person he cheated with his girlfriend is acceptable? Please have the dignity to stop sleeping with him and realize that there are so many men out there who want to be in a monogamous relationship, and that you deserve to be with one of those men.
2. Last night he tells me he’s leaving me, he doesn’t love me anymore and I’m not moving with him. I have begged him to let me come with him. I am only asking for 3 months and if by then he still feels the same I’ll leave, but we have nothing to loose by trying, yet he will not budge. * (this woman and her husband have been living apart for a few years due to their jobs. Now, the husband got a new job and he and his wife were supposed to move to the same city—finally.) Here is my advice. You should not have to “beg” someone to make it work with you. I understand that you are trying to make your marriage work, but it sounds very desperate, like you feel you are lucky if he lets you move with him. The attitude instead should be, HE should feel lucky if you move with him. Actually, you should both feel lucky to have each other. He obviously doesn’t feel this way and I’m so sorry for you. But, “he won’t budge” means it is time for you to accept that things are over and start to rebuild your faith in yourself. I have no proof of this, but is it possible he could be in another relationship? If you find out that is the case, I am so sorry, but I won’t be surprised. Someday you will be with a man who you won’t have to beg to keep loving you, because he will be committed. Isn’t that what you deserve??
3. My boyfriend ended things with me, stating he needed to focus on his son and their relationship and getting him through the separation. His daughter is also apparently not able to deal well with the fact her dad is dating as well. So now here I am single again. He of course states that it is not me or our relationship that is a problem, just timing and perhaps lack of thinking about whether his kids or he was truly ready to date. I feel like I have been cut off and left to just feel the heartbreak which I feel. I feel your pain and in the past I have had similar experiences. It’s awful. It stinks. It’s unfair. But the bottom line is, he has to deal with his baggage and you are powerless to that. He should not let his kids be dictating if he has a girlfriend or not, but it isn’t my place (or yours) to tell him this. My gut says he will try to get back together with you and it might or might not work out. He doesn’t sound like a bad person, just a confused recently separated guy trying to find his way. You should focus more on yourself rather than on him and what he is going through. Go out and meet people. I’m not saying jump into another relationship, but you owe him nothing. Go out with your girlfriends and flirt and talk to interesting people and do fun things. You have already gone through the pain of a divorce and you deserve to be with someone who won’t doubt the relationship, someone who is firm in his conviction to be with you and who will not let you go or lose you.
Did you notice that in all of these scenarios there is one recurrent theme? That is, “You deserve more.” I think that older, divorced women are so much more willing to accept and settle for situations that they know deep down aren’t right for them. I am not judging because I have done it in the past. It’s easy to rationalize and talk yourself into relationships that in your heart you know aren’t right, and to tolerate bad behavior because you don’t want to be alone again or you are afraid you will never find anyone as good.
But when you get really old (like me) you start to realize that the happier life can be one that is without a man versus with the wrong man. Because feeling like you are living an authentic life is key in experiencing true joy and a great day-to-day existence. The bottom line—ask yourself, “Do I deserve better?”
Like this blog post? Check out my post, “Can Falling In Love Turn You Into a Fool?”