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By Jackie Pilossoph, Divorced Girl Smiling Editor-in-Chief

I’ve been divorced for six and a half years, so to say I’ve had some time to get used to life after divorce is an accurate statement. In fact, I’ve almost been divorced longer than I was married, which is a strange thought.

 

But, no matter how much time goes by, there are still certain things I truly miss about being married, like that sense of belonging to someone. I loved that feeling of being someone’s wife. That said, if you’re with the wrong person, marriage can feel really, really lonely, which is something I don’t miss.

 

Last night, my friend K stopped over for a quick dinner. K was married for 27 years and has been divorced for 5. No big surprise that what we thought was going to be a quick 30 minute sharing of a salad turned into two and a half hours of drinking wine, talking, and laughing till we had tears in our eyes, the way only two really close friends can do.

 

We got into a conversation about life after divorce, and what we miss and don’t miss about being married. We both started rattling things off, so of course, the writer decided to whip out my computer and start a list, which turned into this blog post.

 

Here is the combination of what K and I miss and don’t miss about being married:

 

What we miss:

 

Falling asleep with my leg wrapped around his

Having someone to zip my dress for me

Knowing you’re with someone who made a serious commitment to you in front of God.

Have someone to bounce off a bad day with the kids.

Having a date for every function

Family nights

Being called “Mrs. So and So.”

Having a designated driver if I drank too much

Having unprotected sex

Sending out a family Christmas card

Traveling as a couple

Knowing certain things about him that no one else knew

Making love with the father of my children

His friends and family (with the exception of his mother)

His sense of humor and all the little things that only we would laugh at

The smell of his cologne

His foot rubs

Our own language

Feeling really secure, safe and loved

HIM

 

What we don’t miss:

 

Picking up tons of dry cleaning

Cooking food I don’t like to eat

Having to have sex on-demand

Feeling like I did everything, including changing every poopie diaper and waking up for every middle of the night feeding

Cleaning up after him constantly

His mail all over the counter

Having to buy his mother a Christmas gift

Having to watch what he wants every night or feeling guilty about watching what I want to watch

Bickering and arguments that usually turned into silent treatments

Having to hide tears

Having to hide shoes and other purchases

Not feeling loved or appreciated

Falling into the toilet bowl in the dark because the seat was up

Frequent obligatory get-togethers with in-laws

Arguing about finances

Endless kitchen counter crumbs

Him tapping his razor on the sink every morning

Feeling inadequate, being criticized all the time

Not feeling really secure, safe and loved

HIM

What do you miss and not miss about being married?
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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

11 Responses to “Life After Divorce: What Two Divorced Women Miss about Marriage and What We Don’t”

  1. Doug, Chicago

    Jackie: Those are two extraordinary lists … List One: The transcendent experience of trust, respect and acceptance … the giddy feeling of having a true partner, a co-conspirator and a loving ally who provides a safe-zone for you to be vulnerable away from the battles of the outside world; List Two: The heart-brake of feeling the safe-zone weaken, break-down and give-way to those outside battles. Divorce is a difficult experience but your lists demonstrate an inspired level of maturity and appreciation for both the good and the bad of marriage … an advanced degree from the school of life that was hard-earned but prepared you well for your current adventures. Thank you for sharing it!

    Reply
  2. Maria

    Why does it still feel so weird and sad?
    My ex was a terrible husband yet I still have plenty of pain over this
    I feel so stupid because I wanted to leave yet here I am like a lost soul.

    Reply
  3. Caroline

    I really can’t say how much your blog has helped me. I thought that thinking that I missed so many things meant I “shouldn’t have” left, so I never let myself just feel sad about it. Nice to know I’m kinda normal 🙂

    Reply
  4. Page

    This coming summer I will have been divorced for 4 years……I think he got married again and in fact, married to one of his former residents….how cliché. I have had one b/f but I can’t trust anyone and as of late, I have been thinking I could live the rest of this life solo…..On one hand I want that relationship but base on experience, it’s like I desire something that really doesn’t exist. I have a lot of dogs….lol….

    Reply
  5. Bisha

    For the first time I am really smiling thinking of my divorce. I got divorced 7 years back and still couldn’t get over it. In fact I am divorced more longer being married.

    Reply

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