I ran into a friend a few days ago who told me a story that I thought was truly worth sharing, as it translates into great divorce advice.
This friend of mine was happily married (or so she thought) for over two decades. A few years ago, her now ex unearthed her by asking for a divorce, and then marrying the woman he was cheating with, just days after their divorce was final.
It was a tough road for my friend. I watched her go from rock bottom at day one, trying to absorb the shock, through all the phases that included tears, depression, furry, fear, bad dates, confusion, to where she is now: a happy, healthy beautiful, successful person who is very much in love with a great guy.
Now, what about her ex? Here is the important story. My friend went on the woman’s twitter account the other day. Ok, I know that might seem a little stalkerish, but I actually don’t see it that way. I call it curious. Trust me, I’ve seen way worse when it comes to men and women stalking their ex’s. This was harmless. So, anyhow, she saw all the people the woman followed on Twitter, and noticed that she follows 10 cheating sites! Sites that include information like, “how to catch your husband cheating,” “What to do if you think you husband is cheating,” and “signs he’s sleeping with someone else.” The woman was also following several sites that were in the town where my friend lives. Why is she following our town when she lives 500 miles away? Very strange. Is she checking up on my friend?
The reason this is important to share is because I get so many emails from women (and men) whose spouse said “I want a divorce” and left them for someone, and the person paints this picture in their head that everything is blissful with their ex and his new spouse. NOT THE CASE my friends. Here is a woman who willingly began an affair with a married man, stole him from the wife, and is now suspecting that he is cheating on her. That doesn’t sound very blissful to me.
I am of the opinion that any relationship which starts with lies and cheating has a huge chance of failure, long term. Why? Because eventually, the burden of the guilt associated with what you did catches up with you and it damages the relationship. The person ends up with such self-hatred that they either take it out on the new person (like it was his or her fault for participating in the cheating) or they cheat again.
That’s just my theory. I don’t want to generalize, and I am sure there are countless men and women who technically cheated, but whose marriages were totally over. In other words, they hadn’t slept with their spouse in years, were disconnected, etc. Not saying that cheating in any case is acceptable/excusable—maybe those people should have left first. But, I’m not judging them. It’s the ones who decided to cheat, who were still sleeping with the spouse–who didn’t even know there was a problem. That’s where I have issues.
My friend also asked, “Have you heard that Kellie Pickler song, ‘Best Days of Your Life?’ I feel like that song describes my life exactly!”
I hadn’t heard the song, so I looked it up and listened to it, and the message I got from it is something I think will help men and women whose spouse left them feel incredibly good! Here are some of the lyrics:
“It’s just too bad you already had the best days, The best days of your life,”
“Ain’t it a shame, A shame that every time you hear my name brought up in a casual conversation you can’t think straight?”
“And ain’t it sad, you can’t forget about what we had? Take a look at her and do you like what you see Or do you wish it was me?”
“And does she know Know about the times you used to hold me, Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me I’d be the only one?”
“Someone told me once when you were out She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me Ain’t jealousy funny?”
“Life with me was a fairytale love, I was head over heals ’til you threw away us”
“I heard you’re gonna get married, have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I’ve been told that a cheater is always a cheater
So I’ve got my pride and she’s got you.”
The bottom line is, if you are the first wife (or husband), your ex’s new spouse will always feel just a little bit second class. That’s my opinion, right or wrong.
They will also always know in the back of their mind that they hurt an innocent person. They keep that guilt and shame locked away in a remote part of their core, thinking it will eventually stop bugging them, but it never does.
Even if they tell everyone things like, “From what I heard, she was a bitch, she was mean to him, he never really felt understood by her, she’s psycho and can’t understand that he just doesn’t love her anymore,” etc. etc. , In the back of their mind, they know what they did was morally wrong. So, wouldn’t you rather be YOU than her or him? Because, when YOU meet someone and fall in love again, your relationship will have started off without dishonesty, and without having hurt anyone. It’s a beautiful beginning, not a tainted, scummy one.
I’m sure it really really hurts to be left for someone else, but the bottom line is, don’t assume that he or she is going to live happily ever after. Their future is baggage filled. Yours, on the other hand is wide open!
Like this post? Check out, “Women Dating over 50: Are We in No-Mans Land?”