Divorce Advice: Guess What? Your Ex and His New Wife Aren’t As Blissful As they Are in Your Head


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I ran into a friend a few days ago who told me a story that I thought was truly worth sharing, as it translates into great divorce advice.

This friend of mine was happily married (or so she thought) for over two decades. A few years ago, her now ex unearthed her by asking for a divorce, and then marrying the woman he was cheating with, just days after their divorce was final.

It was a tough road for my friend. I watched her go from rock bottom at day one, trying to absorb the shock, through all the phases that included tears, depression, furry, fear, bad dates, confusion, to where she is now: a happy, healthy beautiful, successful person who is very much in love with a great guy.

Now, what about her ex? Here is the important story. My friend went on the woman’s twitter account the other day. Ok, I know that might seem a little stalkerish, but I actually don’t see it that way. I call it curious. Trust me, I’ve seen way worse when it comes to men and women stalking their ex’s. This was harmless. So, anyhow, she saw all the people the woman followed on Twitter, and noticed that she follows 10 cheating sites! Sites that include information like, “how to catch your husband cheating,” “What to do if you think you husband is cheating,” and “signs he’s sleeping with someone else.” The woman was also following several sites that were in the town where my friend lives. Why is she following our town when she lives 500 miles away? Very strange. Is she checking up on my friend?

The reason this is important to share is because I get so many emails from women (and men) whose spouse left them for someone else, and they paint this picture in their head that everything is blissful with their ex and his new spouse. NOT THE CASE my friends. Here is a woman who willingly began an affair with a married man, stole him from the wife, and is now suspecting that he is cheating on her. That doesn’t sound very blissful to me.

I am of the opinion that any relationship which starts with lies and cheating has a huge chance of failure, long term. Why? Because eventually, the burden of the guilt associated with what you did catches up with you and it damages the relationship. The person ends up with such self-hatred that they either take it out on the new person (like it was his or her fault for participating in the cheating) or they cheat again.

That’s just my theory. I don’t want to generalize, and I am sure there are countless men and women who technically cheated, but whose marriages were totally over. In other words, they hadn’t slept with their spouse in years, were disconnected, etc. Not saying that cheating in any case is acceptable/excusable—maybe those people should have left first. But, I’m not judging them. It’s the ones who decided to cheat, who were still sleeping with the spouse–who didn’t even know there was a problem. That’s where I have issues.

My friend also asked, “Have you heard that Kellie Pickler song, ‘Best Days of Your Life?’ I feel like that song describes my life exactly!”

I hadn’t heard the song, so I looked it up and listened to it, and the message I got from it is something I think will help men and women whose spouse left them feel incredibly good! Here are some of the lyrics:

“It’s just too bad you already had the best days, The best days of your life,”

“Ain’t it a shame, A shame that every time you hear my name brought up in a casual conversation you can’t think straight?”

“And ain’t it sad, you can’t forget about what we had? Take a look at her and do you like what you see Or do you wish it was me?”

“And does she know Know about the times you used to hold me, Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me I’d be the only one?”

“Someone told me once when you were out She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me Ain’t jealousy funny?”

“Life with me was a fairytale love, I was head over heals ’til you threw away us”

“I heard you’re gonna get married, have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I’ve been told that a cheater is always a cheater
So I’ve got my pride and she’s got you.”

The bottom line is, if you are the first wife (or husband), your ex’s new spouse will always feel just a little bit second class. That’s my opinion, right or wrong.

They will also always know in the back of their mind that they hurt an innocent person. They keep that guilt and shame locked away in a remote part of their core, thinking it will eventually stop bugging them, but it never does.

Even if they tell everyone things like, “From what I heard, she was a bitch, she was mean to him, he never really felt understood by her, she’s psycho and can’t understand that he just doesn’t love her anymore,” etc. etc. , In the back of their mind, they know what they did was morally wrong. So, wouldn’t you rather be YOU than her or him? Because, when YOU meet someone and fall in love again, your relationship will have started off without dishonesty, and without having hurt anyone. It’s a beautiful beginning, not a tainted, scummy one.

I’m sure it really really hurts to be left for someone else, but the bottom line is, don’t assume that he or she is going to live happily ever after. Their future is baggage filled. Yours, on the other hand is wide open!

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You’re the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

38 Responses to “Divorce Advice: Guess What? Your Ex and His New Wife Aren’t As Blissful As they Are in Your Head”

  1. Kath

    Isn’t life strange?! As usual your words are right on the money. Thanks for your amazing ability to see clearly on tough topics!

    Reply
  2. Tamara

    Thank you for the words. I’m trying to get my heart to believe what my head knows to be true. Today’s just one of those days I can’t believe he threw it all away.

    Reply
  3. Wes

    My ex left me two weeks after meeting another man. She swears that he was only the straw that broke the camels back and she swears it would have ended anyway.
    We actually had sex the night before she left me. I had felt that we were going through a bit of a rough patch prior to her leaving, but she never ever told me she was unhappy. In fact the month prior to her leaving we had gone camping with my work, and went to her dads farm 8 hours away with the kids. All seemed ok until she met him. Well ok from my perspective, apparently not from hers. We had arguments, and we had lots of good times. But I had no idea she was so unhappy.
    This article hits home because from the outside it seems blissful. He has lots of money (money was a problem for us, but was actually getting better) and buys her expensive stuff that we likely would not have bought if we were together.
    I had been checking in with her over the few prior months to make sure we were ok, and the answer was always yes.
    I know where I screwed up and the saddest thing is I have changed in only a short time, but her limerence for this other man is too high for her to even care. Had she only told me how dire it was on her end I could have changed sooner (I had already started to long before she broke it off).
    Anyway great article. I only want her happiness and overall I am happy, although at some moments it hits me like a brick. The hardest part is the lack of time I now have with my children. I know this will impact them for the rest of their lives.

    Reply
  4. Kelli

    Thank you so very much for this!!! I just learned today that my ex husband is engaged and we’ve only been divorced for 3 months.They definitely were having a relationship while we were still married. I truly wish them the best. When my time comes to experience real love it will be based on honesty, trust and a clean slate!
    Happy, healing and healthy thoughts to us all!!! xoxoxoxo

    Reply
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  7. I Love....Dew

    hello everyone. I’m one of those sorry SOBs that cheated on his wife of 20+yrs and two kids, with her “best friend”, married the best friend the day after my divorce was final and….have regretted it every single second of my life ever since….yep, you get what you deserve in this life. I’d give anything to go back in time, knowing what I know now, and love my 1st wife like she’s never been loved, honored, appreciated, respected, or admired in her life. But, I can’t. I’ve screwed up beyond words. I had the best life anyone could have asked for. A beautiful loving, caring, and dedicated wife, two beautiful, sweet kids, an in-law family that loved me dearly. but, I was….bored with it all. People kept telling me how blessed I was, but I couldn’t see it. I was blind by selfishness. So, I threw it all away for someone that I thought was my “soul mate”. Oh, how I was wrong. so wrong…5 years later, I still can’t ignore the overwhelming guilt and shame of what I did. Only for a couple of minutes a day does the memory of my 1st wife, kids, and family leave my mind. I can’t watch a move or listen to music without thinking of her. She was my soul mate and truly my true love. But I threw her away. Oh, but if life was like the movies where sometimes we get second chances….I can’t put into words how I’ve broken my own heart, but I know it pales in comparison to how I broke my soul mate’s heart. I’m so sorry sweetness. If you ever read this. I’m so very sorry 🙁

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Ok this actually made me tear up. I’m so sorry. You sound like a dear, sweet, good person. What advice do I have for you? First, maybe seek therapy and figure out why you did what you did, so that you don’t make the same mistakes in the future. Secondly, just be thankful for your kids and their health and the health of you and your loved ones. Enjoy them as much as possible! Also, maybe express your feelings to your ex? Definitely talk to your kids about this. You don’t have to go into detail or tell them anything other than how sorry you were that you did this to them and how much you love them. Maybe you already have, but it might make you feel better if you talk to the ones you love and get some closure? I will be wishing you the best. YOu are a good person with so much insight. that is very important and key in being happy in the future.

      Reply
      • Biayl

        “dear sweet good person”? what kool-aid are you drinking? he’s a fucking cheat who is too damn proud to “seek therapy.” he’s not sorry he cheated; he’s sorry he got caught and it messed up his life and now he “wants it back”. It’s called “buyer’s remorse.” This pitiful paragraph is just a means to an end for him – so go ahead and placate his need to feel okay. And he did it for the same reason all people do when they cheat – immaturity, selfishness and lack of control. Duh. and it does take 2 to cheat. Women (or men) who rationalize “dating” a married person are just as much as fault – go find your own date.

        Reply
        • Dionne

          I agree with you totally. When people say they fault the married spouse only–I fault the mistress/lover too if they knew the person was married. To your point get some self esteem and find your own partner

          Reply
    • Dawn Pyatt

      That was so wonderful to read. I was choking up myself. First time I have ever read anything like that from the cheating partner. I had no idea it were even possible for men to feel of think that way.

      Reply
  8. I Love....Dew

    Jackie, thank you so much for the kind words. I’ve shared my feelings with my ex and my kids. I think it’s helped us all (or I hope it has). I feel that they believe me and understand my shame and regret. My ex and I both know how much we still love and miss each other, even though we’re married to others. We both know that we have a special bond that can’t be broken even by terrible things I’ve done. Her love for me is greater than my sins, and so much more than I’ll ever deserve. I’m not worthy to even look into her beautiful, sweet, and loving eyes. She knows that she’s truly my soul mate and true love. My kids know I love them and am sorrowful for all I’ve done. that’s what matters most to me, that they know I still love and miss them, deeply. To be honest, I look forward to when we’ve both lived out long and happy lives, to take our last breaths, and to greet each other in heaven (if I make it…) with open arms and open hearts. That….is the day I most long for 🙂

    Reply
  9. June

    “…. she stole him from the wife.” If that’s the case the wife can steal her husband back. My point being …. that people can’t be stolen. the husband voluntarily gave up his marriage. Simple fact. Hard to accept. It’s easier to say he was “stolen” because it doesn’t make his leaving seems so voluntary.

    Reply
  10. Rita

    My ex left me for another woman when we had been married 20 years. I’m miserable without him. He married her right after our divorce was final. His new wife found out we were having sex, but she forgave him. It’s been 17 years and they’re still together. I miss him and our life so much. I’m so sad most days. I love him so much

    Reply
    • Aya

      Hey Rita! It’s been 17 years and that’s a long time to move on from someone who didn’t appreciate you and the years of marriage you both invested in. If they have been married for 17 years then it seems to me the relationship will stick around. It’s time to let go and focus on yourself and you will eventually find the right man who will LOVE you and won’t give up on you that easily. Go to divorce care unit or find people around you who faced similar situations like you so you will be able to relate. 17 years is a long time to be stuck on someone. If you loved him for 17 years despite what he has done to you then your ex is at a greater loss because he lost someone who was willing to give him eternal love and you lost someone who wasn’t willing to give you that. Please start focusing on yourself and the best revenge is to live life greatly. Honestly your ex’s new wife has to live with a man who threw away a 20 year marriage JUST LIKE THAT. Just be happy he didn’t waste any more of your time. Best wishes.

      Reply
  11. Mcclure Kay

    I don’t know why people are still finding it difficult to get their ex back when someone like priest tokubo is out there. Let me introduce myself first, I from USA_Washington, last month exactly 12pm i went out on a date with my ex not knowing that the date is going to be our last meeting. on getting there he told me he have find another lover that he can’t continue with the relationship anymore. I was so shocked and short of words after hearing those trash from him. i could not help myself so i have to contact my best friend who direct me to contact priest tokubo that the man is a great spell caster, since it was my best friend who recommend the man to me i have to believe in the man so i decided to contact him through his email which my friend gave me. after contacting him the priest promise to bring him back to me within 24 hours and he told me to hold him by his words that is a minor issue to him to handle. within the 24hours my ex called me begging me in the name of God to accept him back that he was not his right mind when he was saying those words to me. please stopping worrying on how to get your ex back and contact priest tokubo on; highpriesttokubo@gmail.com “PLEASE” also testify to others for help too when your ex is back to you.

    Reply
  12. Will

    This article is spot on. I cheated on my wife, who was my best friend for most all of my life. We hit our rough patch where things were “boring” for a few years and long story short, I cheated. Out of guilt, I left my wife and gave her everything (even though I know that’s no consolation). It’s been a year now and I’m still with the woman I cheated with. We have some good days, but the truth is, we have more bad days and good. I’m crushed inside for what I did and I know she feels ugly for causing pain to an innocent person. My ex wife went through a horrible year getting over it and likely still struggles but I heard she’s doing better. I, on the other hand, am doing worse and worse and I feel that my tainted relationship is being held together buy not wanting to accept “defeat” or that I was wrong, even though I know I was. Sadly, I am starting to believe the only way I’ll ever move on and stop hating myself is if I leave her and start over. The cheating has only made us both suspicious of the others every move. From day one we were basically married because we had to be (it’s hard to start off like it’s a first date and slowely built trust and a relationship when you are moving in together immediately after an affair). Everything is complicated now and that love and innocence that we were doing for when it was new has been swallowe up by distrust, arguments, guilt and blaming. I’d give anything to take back what I did. All cheating ever accomplished was ruin my life and cause me to spend every day simply trying to get back to the point where I was with my best friend on those “boring Tuesday nights” drinking wine and watching a movie. Don’t cheat. I still havnt forgiven myself but this article is very good.

    Reply
    • Anabel

      The two becomes one. Cheating always tells on the cheater eventually. You’ll just have to deal with the consequences and ask God to forgive u. No one is perfect but you’ve hurt an innocent person who was a part of your own flesh. My own husband showed no remorse and for that, I wish him bad, so sorry if I come off a bit bitter or harsh.

      Reply
    • Sasha

      Sorry but you got what you deserved. Had you worked on your marriage your life could be so much better. I hope your ex wife finds a man who cherished her…

      Reply
    • Susan

      “leave her and start over” – How many woman are you callously planning to hurt? You seem to think that a new woman is always the solution to everything – the solution to “hating yourself” and a way to “move on”. No one but you is responsible for hating yourself and not moving on. No one but you is defining your relationship as ‘tainted’. A new woman doesn’t change reality. A new woman will have as much reason to be suspicious of you as the current one. Switching one woman for another doesn’t work – you’d think that you would have already realized that by now. You just can’t seem to be loyal to anyone, and if you dump the woman who went through everything she did to be with you like it means nothing to you it will only prove all the more how disloyal you are. There are so many reasons to define your current relationship differently than you are, but you seem to be too negative to do that. You are suffering from negativity. Why not try being positive for a change?

      Reply
  13. Anabel

    Nice article! My husband and I have been married for over 3 years now but have been together for about 8 years. During the first two years of our marriage, the douchebag cheated on me with a random whore from another country. He was working away from home, close to the border of our country while I was at med school in the city preparing for our future. I tried, prayed, fasted and tried to spend more time with him when I found out about what he did. I did confronted him and he wa very aggressive and didn’t do much to reconcile the rekationship nor did he ever admitted and apologised. Eventually, he weaned from that affair and things were beginning to look better until I found out again he has been going to whore houses and sleeping with different women. Finally, he picked up one of these girls and started a relationship with her. He text me to say he’s moving on and that he’s been cheating for a long time. I’ve literally begged him to try and work it out because I loved that ass cap so much, I loved him to my own detriment. Anyhow, I still had a few months more at med school when he told me the latter and promised to continue supporting me until the end. Not so long after then, he began insulting me whenever I needed money from him and since my studies were full time, it was tough to work. I found out he wa pampering this woman with so many things and then moved her into our apartment. I once told her we were still married and she pretended to be sorry but continued and then she had the nerve to tell me that I should leave them alone to live their lives happily and that he doesn’t want me anymore. She frequently posts pics lf their seemingly perfect life and had no shame despite knowing we are not divorced. He doesn’t want to file for divorce but he blocked my from his social medias and we don’t talk anymore. He literally treated me like dirt and I regret i didn’t leave the scum the firsf time. I remember the firat woman he cheated with came apologising to me several months after she cursed me on facebook, saying that God punished her for her deeds. She also said ge showered her with so much gifgd and even paid for her to sculpt her body. He’s wasting all his money on this other one and I feel bad for putting in for alimony because his family said he left me because I was with him for money. Can u imagine his mother? This woman never wants to hear a bad word about her son. We both had planned to take care of our parents when I started working but he left just as I was about to finish. He isn’t rich, he just has a well paying job and he has become prideful and so selfish since then. I don’t know why I loved someone so cruel. I see tge things he did with this woman and it hurts too much because he never did these things with me. He treated me so badly, abused me physically, emotionally, mentally. To besides, he has a sister who doesn’t walk because she has a congenital defect, yet he had no remorse on me. He is just unstable and immature. I just wish I knew then what I know now. I don’t wish for his return, I just wish that he gets back taste of his own medicine one day. He’s so mad over this woman that he cut off his friends, the same friends who used to take him whore shopping and rarely talks to his parents. It just hurts that he is so bold to find this woman and move her in within 4 months when he knew me for 8 years and never changed for me. The little good he did for me was helping me to further my education but he didn’t support me mentally, I was always alone and it has placed so much strain on my studies that I even failed two of my main courses recently. I hope he gets it one day.

    Reply
  14. Sasha

    My partner and I of 22 years split five months ago,and he immediately told our 12 year old he’d met another lady who she could meet…he has pressured our sweet child to the extent of causing anxiety and stress…several weeks later he moved in with the OW. His life is bliss right? Hardly! He has questioned friends about me,believing my male friend is my new beau,which is untrue…rung friends husbands to see what I’m doing, created havoc by coming to the house,demanding I hand my car and phone to him because he paid for them,tried to argue about child maintenance,got his sister to snoop my social media page and that of friends…..I chose to work on me,be supportive to our child and get my life back on track…I’ve got back into employment, signed on a new car today,and surrounded myself with great supportive friends. Life is hard some days, I miss him, however there’s no going back for me. He’s lied, cheated and has the convictions of a snake. The man I knew doesn’t exist,and I believe I’m worth so much more. My point is, he thought his life would be so much better, but it’s falling apart around him. Friends say he’s miserable, he’s put weight on, looks old,and is drinking more. We live in a small town,and my dignified silence has stood me in good stead. I’m working on my happiness, and know there are better things in store for my daughter and I…..I hope he finds the happiness he was looking for,but I doubt it’s with this woman.

    Reply
  15. Sandy

    My husband left me for the other woman, now from what I hear she’s terrified that he’ll come back to me. He did tell me right before the divorce that he still loves me.

    I hope he does. Marriage is until death, not divorce. I still love my husband and our child needs Dad around (not to mention misses Dad terribly).

    I’m willing to give him another chance. I still love him. But my life is not going to revolve around this. Don’t worry, I’m not delusional. 🙂

    As far as the other woman–what did she expect!?

    Reply
  16. Heidi

    In 2004 my husband and I decided to sell everything and move to a country in Central America. Prior to leaving I had a premonition. I said .. you’re not going to have me give up everything, move us down there and leave me,right? He said “no. I would never do that” I said” do you promise?” He said “yes”.
    Fast forward one year, we had bought a bar and yup, I found out he was dating some woman who was coming around. When I asked about his promise he said “shit happens” quote unquote.

    left, returned home and rebuilt my life.
    They married but it annulled apparently. So that was wife #3.
    This week I was contacted by wife #4 on Facebook messenger. They’ve been married for 2 years now.

    She said she wanted to help me with my pain, help heal my open wounds. I replied I’m very happy. Living where I want to be, I have a great relationship with my stepson (from exes first marriage) remember I was #2. And I have a wonderful man in my life.

    She replied with a book..lol… telling me that she is much different than his other wives because she didn’t have sex with him till they married. He’s 61.

    That I should not let the poison in me kill me..
    That she’s sorry that I don’t have children with my blood flowing through their veins. That my pain doesn’t cause them pain but only pity. That I should respect my ” current” lover, not husband.
    I’ve been with this kind man for 8 years now. The paper doesn’t seem so important at this age. I’m 56 now.

    Like WTF? I haven’t talked to my ex since 2006!

    I replied to her today saying congrats on being a 50 year old virgin. But it doesn’t quite work that way. She has three kids for Gods sake!

    She’s met my exstepson (now friend who still calls me mom) once and declares him her son now. He’s 36 and they can’t even communicate in the same language.

    So I wrote her back, in English this time so the ex would have to translate in his sign language.
    Told him to reign his 50 year old Virgin in and she’s insulting my stepson too because he’s living without benefit of a piece of paper.

    So, yeah.. what I read in this article seems right.
    You think the exes life is perfect but why would
    She be saying this shit to me?

    I told her she’s delusional.. and so is he if he’s been feeding her this story from 11 years ago!

    Something isn’t right in paradise!
    LMAO!

    Reply
  17. Zed

    This article is purely designed to make someone feel better. Chances are your ex thanks to you have realised what doe s not work for them and found someone they are truly happy with. It happened to me and my husband, he had to get married when a woman he was seeing and openly told her it was not serious for him, who told him she was infertile, suddenly was pregnant and he was given the choice to marry her or never see his child. He wanted to be in his son’s life so go figure. He could not even have sex with her after this. 6 years later they luckily separated and she apologised and they’re friends now. I also found that I never loved my ex- what me and my husband feel for each other is so rare that everyone around as simply says we are the exceptions to the rules of relationship because of how happy we are. Therefore you are wrong in certain cases as there are extremely loving new relationships out there , face your fear instead of pretending the ex partner’s relationship isn’t as happy as you think it is, as there is a big chance it actually is. As a lawyer, I can tell you that second marriages tend to be the happiest.

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      Yes, there are happy second marriages, and there are exceptions. That said, you are talking about 18% of the population, since 82% of second marriages end in divorce. And those are just the people who admitted being unhappy and decided to get divorced. I know plenty of people in second marriages who admit it was a mistake and are miserable but they stay together because they don’t want another divorce. But I also know couples in a second marriage who are really happy. Maybe about 10%.

      Reply
  18. Zed

    By the way, tehy did not have sex as he could not bear himself to touch her after what she did.

    Reply

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