Why Do I Attract Losers? 3 Reasons And How To Stop

“Why do I attract losers?” I woman I know recently asked me through tears. Here’s her story. She has been divorced for almost 10 years. She was dating a man for 3 years, and thought everything was perfect until she found out he cheated with multiple women. She’s heartbroken.

Was she just unlucky? Did this guy truly know how to fool her into thinking he was this great guy? I don’t think so. I think there were probably signs that she missed. I’m not putting her down, I’m just saying that she might have wanted it to work out so badly, that she stayed in it even though she knew he wasn’t the best guy. Why else would she ask, “Why do I attract losers?”

I don’t think this woman is alone. I think that many women (and men) attract…I won’t call them losers, but rather not-so-great-for-them partners.

You might think after going through a bad divorce, a divorced person would catch a break–meet a great guy who loves them and have that happy ending. Also, you might think that after being so hurt by the divorce that the person would be wiser, less careless, see red flags more, be more cautious, have her eyes open more, etc.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of women out there (men too!) asking “Why do I attract losers?”

Here’s the thing and don’t get mad. If you are attracting losers, it’s your fault. Sorry. If you’re livid at me right now, I apologize. I’m just writing the truth.

Also, please don’t think I’m judging. I attracted many many many losers in my life before I realized it was my fault.

Here’s the good news. When we understand why we are attracting losers, i.e. choosing badly, we can avoid making those mistakes over and over again.

So, first of all, what does “choosing badly” mean? A drug addict (who isn’t in recovery yet), an alcoholic (who isn’t in recovery yet), a pothead, a control-freak, a cheater, a physical or mental abuser. Those are just a few.

By the way, I also want to add that I’m not just talking about women choosing bad men. Men can choose badly too. Women can be alcoholics and drug addicts and abusers and cheaters, too.

Here are a few reasons for “Why do I attract losers?”

1. Fear of being alone:

I can’t even count the number of men and women who get divorced and are married two minutes later, simply because they had a fear of being alone. Call me judgmental, but I just don’t get it. Why not take the time (I’m saying years) to get to know someone? I have to believe that the chances of breaking up keep going down as the years go on. Although, nothing is a guarantee. But, I’d hate to marry someone, and two years later, be sitting there saying, “What the heck did I do?” What’s wrong with taking a few years to be by yourself? I’m not saying sit home alone. Date, fall in love, be as romantic and committed as you want to be. When I say “be by yourself,” I just mean don’t rush to marriage number 2 so quickly.

2. Trying to compete with the ex:

I’ve seen this, too. One of the people gets remarried quickly, so the other one rushes into something with the wrong person, trying to prove to the world that they are happy too. It’s really sad to me.

3. Low self-esteem and lack of self-love:

This is the biggest reason people choose badly (attract losers). People are willing to put up with things like excessive drinking, abusive behavior and cheating because they don’t feel like they deserve any better for a few possible reasons.

First, they might not have the confidence to realize how unacceptable the behavior really is.  Maybe their marriage was worse, so anything is a step up. Or, it might stem from childhood. Maybe their mother let their father treat them this way and so it seems acceptable. Or, it might stem from the insecurity of the circumstances of their divorce. Maybe the wife leaving left the guy with such little self esteem that he’ll take anyone who loves him, no matter what she’s like. Or, it could be the fact that the person has no professional life or passion or hobby, so they have no self worth.

Lastly, it could be that they simply don’t like who they are. I’ve seen absolutely drop-dead gorgeous women and men who have zero self-love. Really successful people, too! Lack of self-love and self-esteem makes it almost impossible to meet someone that turns into a healthy relationship.

The thing is, no guy or girl is perfect. I’m not saying to go out and settle for nothing less than Prince Charming. But NO ONE, man or woman deserves to be with someone who cheats, abuses them physically or mentally, who is out of control with drugs or alcohol, who is a narcissist, or who has any other bad behaviors or qualities that might make the relationship suffer and cause the person unhappiness.

Here’s my advice for not attracting losers…

Let yourself see the red flags. If he has four beers in the first half hour, I’m not saying he’s an alcoholic, I’m saying, be aware of it. If he’s getting texts and phone calls late at night, be aware of it. If he has a little too much to drink and pushes you against the wall, do you really feel like it’s something you should let slide? It’s up to you, but I hope you take a good look in the mirror and discover all your wonderful qualities, and don’t let someone treat you improperly. Attracting losers is a choice. Attracting someone who makes you happy is also a choice. What’s in going to be?

Like this article? Check out, “Dating After Divorce: Advice, Tips and Why This is an Exciting Time”

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Jackie Pilossoph is the Founder of Divorced Girl Smiling, the media company that connects people facing with divorce to trusted, vetted divorce professionals. Pilossoph is a former NBC affiliate television journalist and Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press features reporter. Her syndicated column, Love Essentially was published in the Chicago Tribune/Pioneer Press and Tribune owned publications for 7 1/2 years. Pilossoph holds a Masters degree in journalism from Boston University. Learn more at: DivorcedGirlSmiling.com