Loneliness: It Might Be The Worst Pain Someone Can Feel

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The other day, I ran into a divorced woman who I hadn’t seen in awhile. We said hello and then I started asking her questions—you know, the typical things you ask someone. “How’s life?” “What have you been up to?” “How’s work?”

 

Her responses were all very negative. “Eh…” was her answer to “How’s life.” “What have you been up to?” Her answer: “Nothing special, just trying to raise my kids and make a living on what that scumbag of an ex-husband gives me every month plus my two jobs.” Okay…

 

She seemed so bitter and angry and resentful. She was sort of playing the victim and almost seemed annoyed by my cheerful demeanor.

 

“So, are you dating anyone?” I asked.

 

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The instant the question came out of my mouth and I saw the look on her face, I knew that the story wasn’t going to be good. She started telling me (complaining, actually) about her semi-new boyfriend, how he is non-committal, won’t really make plans ahead of time, and that she’s not sure if he is seeing other women. He says he isn’t, but she’s unsure. I sensed a lot of anxiety when she was talking about him, like the whole relationship was just causing her stress.

 

I sensed that she knew the situation she was in wasn’t healthy for her, and that it wasn’t making her happy. In fact, it was making her unhappy. But, for whatever reason, she was choosing to stay in it. The reasons could be that her self-esteem is low and she doesn’t think she can do better, or she doesn’t want to start dating again and it’s comfortable, or she thinks she can change him.

 

All of a sudden, standing there feeling sorry for her, but also wanting to give her a firm kick in the ass and say, “Boot this asshole,” it hit me. This woman, who was not always the negative, bitter, unlikeable person she appeared to be today, was in pain. A lot of pain. Why? Because she is lonely. Masking her loneliness is anxiety, anger, bitterness, resentment and negativity, she doesn’t want to admit to herself or to anyone that it fucking hurts!

 

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Look, I didn’t just recently go back to school and get a degree in psychology, but I can read people, and I’m telling you, my heart went out to her because I could see the pain underneath her hard shell.

 

I’m not sure there are many things in life that are worse than loneliness. We as humans have it in our nature that we need love—intimate love to thrive. If we don’t have food, we will die. If we don’t have water we will die. If we don’t have love? I’m not sure we will physically die, but it can cause unbearable pain and suffering.

 

The shame of it is that this woman probably doesn’t realize that she is covering up the pain of her loneliness by acting pissed off and angry about other things. Instead of holding the loneliness accountable for her pain and unhappiness, she is blaming it on her job, her ex-husband, and possibly other aspects in her life.

 

But loneliness doesn’t just happen when you are dating the wrong guy or when you aren’t dating anyone. Some single people are perfectly happy and don’t feel lonely at all. On the flip side, there are married people and people in long-term relationships who are in pain because they are very lonely. I believe that loneliness stems from something missing–some big void in someone’s life. That could be the spouse, or it could be an unfulfilling life, which can include being unhappy at work or not having a hobby, an outlet or a passion that is satisfying. Or, not feeling like your life has meaning.

 

There are different kinds of loneliness:

 

1. People who are single and want to meet someone. I have been there. I get it. You want to meet someone so badly and it feels very alone not to have someone. But, there is a difference between being single and being lonely. Being alone because you just haven’t met the right guy yet is one thing. Being alone and lonely because you are making poor choices of the person/people you are spending time with is something that you can control. In other words, the lonely person has the power to make choices that might lead to possibilities of not being lonely anymore. It takes courage to make some of those choices, but the payoff is beautiful.

2. The end of a relationship. Maybe you just broke up with someone. Maybe you are a recent widow/widower. Maybe you just haven’t met the right person yet. These times are temporary, and the best way to get through it is to surround yourself with family and friends and those who care for you. Also, spend time with people who make you laugh, who you have fun with, and who make you feel good. Also, keep being a great mom/dad, work hard at your profession, and take time to do things you love—both by yourself and with others and things will change.

 

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3. Being with the wrong person. In this woman’s case, the man she is with is unavailable. His terms of the relationship are making her miserable. How do I know this? Because if she was happy in the relationship, the answers to all of her questions would have been much more positive and uplifting. I personally think that if a person ends a relationship that is making him or her unhappy, the loneliness will get better. Maybe at first it would be more difficult, but being free opens the door to meeting someone who will fill your gap of loneliness.

 

The thing is, when someone isn’t lonely, everything else in life is manageable. Problems seem solvable. So you aren’t making as much money as you’d like? It’s OK. Having issues with your ex-husband? It’s OK. Your furnace just broke and financially it’s stressing you out? It’s OK. Even health problems. I think people get through things so much better when they have either a spouse or a job or a passion or goal they are working towards that keeps them inspired, and hopeful and happy. In other words, when they don’t feel alone.

 

Long term loneliness comes from low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence to get into the right relationship, or to learn how to enjoy being alone. I truly think that love comes to those who love themselves and who love and appreciate life. Yes, loneliness can feel very empty and sad, but with good self-esteem, hope, faith and positive energy, I think loneliness almost always turns around.

Like this post? Check out my blog post, “3 Words For Those Who Can’t Cope With Divorce.”

 

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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

4 Responses to “Loneliness: It Might Be The Worst Pain Someone Can Feel”

  1. Kathy Lenta

    Why do women always ask other women are they dating? Why do you push going into a relationship when someone just came out of a bad one with kids. Maybe they need a break and why would you introduce a man into that mess. Dr. Laura says no dating until the kids are gone and I agree. How selfish you are to say I am lonely and need a man, where is the caring about what the kids needs which is frankly no more complications of another guy in the mix. You got that answer because you asked the question. Stop thinking women have to be with a guy. Why do we need a guy– because society keeps asking are you dating. Stop it. Just ask are you happy? If the answer is yes then let it lie and if it is no. then ask how can I help. I think at middle age women who get divorced are the luckiest in the world. No men breaking down to take care of, all the decision ours and the love of our family and friends to sustain us.

    Reply
    • Wes

      I think it’s a reasonable question. And I firmly disagree with waiting until the kids are older. Kids need to learn that their parents have needs and that’s sometimes dating.
      I do think though that it’s a personal choice and neither of which is actually selfish or wrong. Dating after divorce with kids is not selfish at all and can be good for them to see you making new relationships.

      As for the article. I feel this way right now. For me I feel lonely because I’ve had my kids a lot and it’s been difficult to get it and do stuff without them.
      When I haven’t had my personal space in a while and haven’t hung out with other adults I start to feel lonely.
      Also I work from home and during the summer they’re with me everyday. Working from doesn’t allow me to at least have day to say interactions with other adults. It sucks sometimes.

      Reply
  2. Aisha

    Thank you! This conversation was very helpful. All these scenarios keep going through my mind and being recently divorced, I am not sure what the rules are nor what is normal. At least reading this made me feel a bit less alone and isolated.

    Reply

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