Coping with Divorce: 20 Lies Divorced Men and Women Tell Themselves

When it comes to coping with divorce, everyone does it in his or her own way. I’ve written blogs in the past about both bad and good behavior that men and women exhibit while going through a divorce.

 

But what about how people think? Part of coping with divorce is sometimes telling ourselves things that will soothe our pain and make us feel better about our situation, our decisions and our actions. Some self-talk is positive and will truly help in coping with divorce, but sometimes divorced women and men lie to themselves, which is never good. Here are 20 lies divorced women and men tell themselves, and my response (of course.)

 1.    I could care less what happens to my ex. Yes, you do. You will always care until the day you die.

2.    I hate when I’m not with my kids. You don’t hate it all the time. Sometimes you welcome the break. Being alone offers reprieve from stress. Don’t feel guilty if you enjoy your time without your kids. Doing nice things for yourself and having some life enjoyment that doesn’t involve your kids makes you a better parent.

3.    I don’t want to meet anyone and I’m never getting married again. Yes, you do and yes, you might. You’re saying this to protect yourself because you are afraid that you might never meet anyone. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t care about finding love.

4.    I know my ex will regret this someday. Not trying to be a jerk, but no, he or she probably won’t. Accept it. It doesn’t really matter.

5.    When I was married, I was really happy or When I was married, I was really miserable. When you were married, you were both. You were happy at times, so don’t be afraid to remember those times, and you were miserable at times. Remember that too. It will reinforce the fact that you needed to be divorced.

6.    Everyone knows the divorce was his/her fault. For as many people who are telling you it was his/her fault, there are that many people telling him or her it was yours. Get over it. Who cares what people think!

7.    My attorney really hates my ex. He or she has to say that because you are paying him or her.

8.    Even if I could find a way, I’d never be interested in checking out my ex’s profile on dating sites or on facebook. Of course you are curious. That’s only natural. Just don’t become a stalker or spend too much time on it. Move on!

9.    I hate dating. No, you don’t. You hate bad dates. Good dates makes dating really, really fun!

10. The thought of having sex with my ex is repulsive. Hmm…I guess this one depends on the situation. If he abused you, or if she cheated on you, yes, it probably is. If he or she is the slightest bit nice to you, you might have moments when you remember how cute he or she was.

11. The thought of having sex with another man/woman is repulsive. Really? I don’t think so. It just takes time. You will eventually meet or see some guy or girl who will make your heart stop and you will remember that you liked sex.

12. My kids are going to grow up and realize what he or she did to me. They probably will, but they will still love both their parents unconditionally, and that’s actually a good thing.

13. I know how to stay away from dysfunctional relationships. When people get divorced, they are vulnerable to getting into bad relationships. I’m not judging. I did it. Just realize what the relationship is, and DON’T MARRY THE PERSON!

14. My life is really messed up, thanks to him or her. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and fix your life yourself.

15.  I love my new life. It’s okay to say, “this sucks.” We all know you aren’t blissful at the moment. You WILL love your life. But it takes time.

16. If I could just meet someone, I know my life would fall into place. Reverse that. Work on your life, career, kids, hobbies, yourself. When that falls into place, you will meet someone.

17. My ex’s girlfriend is hideous looking. She is not! She’s adorable and you know it. That’s okay. Did you expect your ex to date a dog??

18. My ex is really jealous of the guy I’m dating. Sorry. He just isn’t. Why do you need him to be? You don’t.

19. My wedding day was the best day of my life. No it wasn’t. Otherwise, you’d still be married. Don’t be afraid to see what you didn’t see back then.

20. I don’t care what other people think about me getting divorced. Yes, you do. But you shouldn’t.

 
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Author: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Girl Smiling offers advice, inspiration and hugs. If you want a Cinderella story, be your own fairy godmother. You're the only one who can pick out that perfect glass slipper!

42 Responses to “Coping with Divorce: 20 Lies Divorced Men and Women Tell Themselves”

  1. James

    Hi Jackie
    As a guy going through seperation after 10 years marriage I agree with all of them although some of the last I am not at the point in the seperation where that has happened yet.

    For anyone going through this your brain is remarkable in pulling the wool over your eyes. It almost takes a concious effort not to fall into the lies above. You will definately still think them but just realise they arent true. And remember even though your ex may have some awful things to say about why you split up it comes from a place of guilt and hurt similar to the place you are in. Some or all of it may be true but remember it is equally your ex justifying the split to themselves and they are just as capable of lying to themselves as you are. Its not always about you .

    Reply
  2. Q.

    This is the biggest load of bull*@!# gathered in one single place I’ve ever read! Not only does it suppose far too much, but it greatly deminishes the damage of divorce. Divorce is the single greatest cause of the decay our society today. Divorce is a hiddeous cancer and it is literally ripping our entire civilization to pieces one broken family at a time. Divorce = a fate far worse than death. It’s a special kind of hell, and it’s forever.

    Reply
    • Insidious_Sid

      Q, you’re spot on. There is much out there that encourages people (women especially) to divorce. The damage is minimalized and being divorced / getting divorced is passed off as being “something everybody does now”. Well, I have to encourage my own children never to get married in this kind of climate, especially my son who little than ever to gain and more than ever too lose. More men are opting out of marriage completely and I say good for them!

      Reply
      • Barb

        Yes. “Everyone divorces” is what my husband of 30 years said to me after he abruptly left our good (I thought) marriage. It is hideous.

        Reply
        • Heartbroken

          I feel you completely my husband of 27 years just told me he loves me deeply but not the way a man should love a woman. That was October then in December he told me he’s in love with his girlfriend of one year when he was 15 to 16. He wants a divorce and plan to live with this woman. I never knew anything two weeks before telling me these things he was sending me love songs and telling me he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me.

          Reply
    • Fred

      Dude, take a pill. The fact that people can leave relationships that aren’t working out isn’t the greatest cause of decay in our society. It’s a fire exit. It really sucks if you need to use it, but if you don’t it’s going to be a hell of a lot worse.

      Divorce is not a fate worse than death. For example, I am divorced. I started my day with a run by the river, and then met my girlfriend for brunch. After that, I went to the movies and then had a long call with my Dad about nothing before having a beer. It’s been a pretty good day so far. I haven’t been dead before, so I can’t say definitively, but just going out on a limb, I’d say this is not a fate worse than death.

      Sorry she left you, Captain Happy. Can’t imagine why. You seem like a barrel of laughs.

      Reply
      • Jackie Pilossoph

        I LOVE this! I love how you spent your day today! You are inspiring, very smart and I am happy for you!

        Reply
      • Nance

        Good for you Fred!
        Your post brightened my day.
        Stay well, healthy and positive. 🙂

        Reply
      • Debbie

        Fred,
        Great points…I am in line with your way of thinking! Thank you for sharing!

        Reply
  3. Leonard Perez

    U were right on almost all of the lies we tell ourselves after divorce. In my case I had a real bad drug and alcohol problem which led to cheating. Since then I went to rehab approaching a yr clean and sober. We’ve been divorced almost 2 yrs and the pain is more real than ever I continue 2 support my ex wife and boy’s. Which places me second financial.

    Reply
  4. pjay

    Complete nonsense. The world would be a better place if my psychotic ex were 6 feet under. And the divorce was entirely her fault.

    Your generation seems intent on preserving a flawed, dead institution – it’s beyond idiotic. I prefer my sons never get married, and they already have a window seat at the train wrecks that so many young women have become.

    It’s an Eat Pray Love culture, and moron white women have sprayed their narcissism all over it.

    Reply
    • Samurai

      I am with you.
      After the 4yrs of marriage she had cheat on me with other guy.
      Worst thing is They cheat their a way to happiness.nothing I could do about it.
      Meanwhile I paying for house mortgage, car loan,insurance,healthcare and all other bills while we were married.

      All the son in this world.
      Don’t get married. Don’t sign legal paper. Trust me its not worst to you..

      Reply
  5. S

    Sad to read some of these comments, I’m mid-divorce and really hope that everything they’ve witnessed and experienced in the last couple of years doesn’t put my girls off men or marriage, and I tell them as such – there are good marriages that do last, not all relationships end up like this.

    Reply
  6. Kenny

    What I don’t understand if you and your spouse both know what you did wrong why not do better for you and your kids why just quit. And why try to make your kids think one of you were the reason it happened

    Reply
    • Danny

      If it were as simple as knowing what someone did wrong, it usually wouldn’t get that far. Half the battle is usually understanding what is going wrong, and many times that is a fiendishly difficult thing to answer. Particularly because the answer is subject to change. Even if it does get figured out (it isn’t always a mystery), what if someone won’t change? What if Dad is a drunken, negligent failure? What if Mom is an emasculating, rageaholic and refuses to seek help and only gets even more furious whenever anyone tries to tell her that she has a problem? What if someone is a serial cheater? Or is abusive to the kids?

      As for staying together for the kids, it’s better for them to be from a broken home than in one. Kids get by with divorced parents all the time. To be sure, it’s very tough for them particularly while the process is going on. But, after the smoke clears, everybody is able to heal. Maybe not heal everything, but get to a happier place than they would have been in a dysfunctional home. Many times people will use their kids as excuses to avoid hard decisions. It does them no favors.

      Not everything lasts forever. I had a beautiful 5 year marriage and the best years of my life were with my Ex. I am more grateful than words can express for that time together. But, we were making each other absolutely miserable, and we just couldn’t make each other happy anymore. We divorced while our son was still very young and we’re both very involved. We’ve even become friends again.

      Are there still wounds? Absolutely. Would we be happy or even civil with each other if we stayed together? I don’t have a crystal ball, but it seems pretty easy to say no, we would not. And, we’re both happy again and our son is also happy.

      Reply
  7. superchicken

    My ex went dating site crazy over 70guys in under 6yrzi divorced her she had done the cheating game for all of our25 yrhell my son is the only kid stile home and he wants nothing to do with her I got all the stuff she barely got visiting rights she is still fight in court 6 months later my 15 yr old won’t see her so I’m fighting for his wellbeing I’m getting talked to by her lawyer relreal bad and it’s very expensive but what am I to do my son asked me to protect him 50,000 dollars later on a visitation hearing we’re still fighting unfortunately and I can’t stand to even be around her anymore

    Reply
  8. CCC

    Divorce sucks. I did a lot of the wrong things in my marriage and don’t blame her for leaving. I own it. I do wish however she stayed to see my transformation and give us another chance. I hate that we can’t be together as a family with the kids. I hate some other male figure will be in my kids lives. But I did it and own it. At least I am becoming a better person as a result #getcleanandsober

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I have so much respect for what you wrote. Your life is going to get better and better because of your self-awareness. that takes guts. Good for you!

      Reply
  9. Queen

    Divorce is a part of our world. We determine how we would like to cope with this and teach our children in the process. Accountability and therapy are likely to go a long way. Lets spend more time reflecting, growing and healing rather than blaming. Your site is wonderful!

    Reply
  10. Klaudia

    I admire moms who are so strong and keep going moving on their life with kids even though is not easy. I find some points true to my situation after 2 divorces and with my lovely 3 kids. Number 15 rocks!

    Reply
  11. Lisa

    I was reading about when your kids prefer to be with the other parent… It makes me feel so awful and unloved. I know they love me but I want them to be just as excited to see me. I shouldn’t have to force my kids to do things with me… I had to leave but never guessed I would be so lonely 🙁

    Reply
  12. Bev Walton

    I have been an ex-wife (married twice before and am now remarried – 3rd time lucky). Along the way, I “inherited” 3 ex-wives from my 3 respective marriages. Having been the “new wife” twice before, I have finally, probably due to my age (now 46), started to accept and come to terms with the pain and heartache that comes with the territory of divorce. I have been able to move on. The points in your article are spot on Jackie. I love point 17! 🙂

    Reply
  13. Stephanie Stansell

    Each person has their own divorce experience and some of those are horrible and involved various forms of abuse. My ex is a sociopath and dangerous and I will not allow him in my home. Now that I am divorced and I totally support myself I say who is allowed in my home and life and that’s okay! I understand this is a blog but men and women come to this site for information so you should do a better job of expressing that your “lists” are your opinion. Someone that is currently going through the difficult process of divorce may read this and take it to heart and beat themselves up over what you think they should be feeling.

    Reply
    • Jay

      Her opinions are spot on, my ex-wife says that me saying she shouldn’t have my daughter spending the night at her boyfriends house 2 1/2 months after I moved out is an “opinion”. Opinion= getting called out for doing the wrong thing and not wanting to hear about it. Opinion ( at least with my ex-wife).

      Reply
  14. Sabrina Morris

    Hello, I am Sabrina I want to give my testismony aboout a powerful spell doctor who help me restore my broken marriage, I contacted him via meissmcenter@gmail.com and it took 24 hours for my lost husband who broke up with me return with a begging note, i am happy now and i want you to contact him if you are passing thru same troubles.

    Reply
  15. Storm

    This is good advice allround. After I found him cheating 3 times, i decided to give it a go… Bad idea! It ruined any self-respect I had left and a great friendship with someone truly special. Finalising my divorce in December and still teaching my children that love is real. Some things in life goes wrong, but then you pick up the pieces and move on.

    Reply
  16. Timm

    Number 19 is complete nonsense. My ex and I will never speak again. The awful divorce ruined that chance. However, I will ALWAYS remember my wedding day as the happiest day of my life. It doesn’t matter if it all worked out forever or not, Nothing can change the past and that is a good thing.

    Reply
  17. Garry

    Look to Jesus instead of the other person. Do this for everything you do even if you are already divorced.
    Look to Jesus, Look to Jesus, Look to Jesus.

    Reply
  18. Sensei

    “No good marriage has ever ended in divorce.” – Louis CK

    Don’t over-embellish your memories of your marriage, or hold it up as some perfect thing that you can’t believe is over and would do anything to get it back. Stop it. If it was good, it wouldn’t have ended. You weren’t that happy, and neither was your ex.

    Reply
  19. Jay

    Jackie,
    Thank you for writing the Dating After Divorce article/post. As I read the article, I felt like I wrote it for my ex-wife. To the point, when I printed it out and emailed to her, I was afraid she was going think I typed it up and sent I to her and she would think it was fake. Odds are something was going on before we got divorced, but that doesn’t really matter now. My concern is my 11 year old daughter. Within 3 weeks of our divorce ( and it was a quick one, told she wanted a divorce middle of Feb., final March 29) she had my daughter hanging out all weekend with her ex-boyfriend and posting pictures on Facebook of her and his daughter “hanging out”, not the he and her were, but the kids. Now less than 3 months she is spending the night at his house. I feel sorry for her, when she said she had spent the night there, she had a look of guilt. The worse was this past weekend, Fathers Day morning, she woke up at his house, that hurts.
    My ex-wife seems to think it’s perfectly ok since they dated before and she has told my daughter they used to. The points you made:
    1. If you want to date- let your ex keep them or get a babysitter- Offered
    Their relationship failed once already, I asked to give it some time and see where
    it goes before dragging my daughter in to it.
    2. Sleepovers are bad- She doesn’t see anything wrong with it.
    3. Subjecting them to another loss- see number one, failed once, I said” she just
    went through a divorce, what happens if this doesn’t work out again and you
    guys break up in a few months. Basically 2 divorces in a few short months”
    – not worried about it. none of my business.
    4. Play dates with the kids- Told her your using the kids “play dates” as a way to
    justify seeing each other when you have your children- response-Not my business
    Sorry to ramble on, but thank you for letting me vent and thank you again for
    writing it. I thought when she saw it and it was basically what I had been telling her,
    I thought she might see the light. Her response- My attorney said I don’t have to
    respond to your opinions. I wouldn’t be dragging around my daughter to hang out with new lovers, possible girlfriends, etc., but that’s just me. I could care less about meeting someone right now……. Thanks again, it feels good to feel right.

    Reply

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